M

[Azul]

You know how people say that they "call out for their M" or that they "still call out for their M" sometimes as an adult?

I have never done that as an adult and I can't remember ever doing it. I may have at one point as a child, but I can't remember it if I did. And I can't remember a time when I saw her or my F as people I can trust or as people to go to for comfort, advice, validation, love, etc.

This has to mean something, right? I am new to exploring my trauma honestly. So forgive me if I say the most obvious and commonplace things for people who have been mistreated by their FOO.

I have been going at life and survival solo for so long, as in without emotional recognition and support from my M or F, and with them depending on me for emotional support instead, that I just couldn't even recognize that it wasn't at all healthy or the way it's supposed to be.

I'm just now beginning to fully realize the actual reality and I'm in my 40s!

[Armee]

I saw something like that on Facebook today too and had the same thought: Oh. No, not me.

Never ever ever have the desire to call out for my mom. Quite the opposite. Repulsion at the thought of her near me. It's what happens when the nature of your mom is frightening. I'm sorry you know this too. Never feel bad stating something obvious to people with similar experiences. It's healing for us and healing for you.

If it helps, the only way in which I think of my mom these days is: she's dead. It's over. Thank god.

Horrible, but true. I'm not a cruel person. I'm very kind.

[Azul]

I heard it today in a song. But it'll be in movies/shows or in people's stories when they talk about a time they were sacred or sick or whatever.

Thank you so much for your response. It is so validating and comforting. I too can feel repulsed and filled with intense anxiety when I think of talking to or being with my M.

I understand your relief at it being over. My F passed this year which puts an end to him doing more new harm, but my M is a different story. She just moved to my city this past July. It's a big piece of why I'm struggling so much right now.

[AphoticAtramentous]

Absolutely relate with you there. When I hear that phrase, I feel a mix of envy and sorrow. But also a pang of fear, because the thought of me calling out for M would only lead to more pain, not help.

So forgive me if I say the most obvious and commonplace things for people who have been mistreated by their FOO.

Don't worry about this at all. Even sharing the most obvious stuff can be very reassuring, to know you're not the only one - and you're definitely not.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[Phoebes]

Most definitely relate, Azul. NM's seek to control and keep their kids afraid of them. Kinda hard to trust a person like that, but they feel entitled to our love because to them we are things," not people. We long for a mother we can go to for comfort, but if your mom is like mine, she would shame me when I would not "treat her like a child should treat their mother." 

I was 47 before the lightbulb went off that it wasn't me. I agree with Armee that it helps to know others experience these things and feelings about them.

[Azul]

Aphotic-

Yes, it would only lead to more pain for me too.

Thank you for your encouragement and expression of understanding. These little moments with you all on OOTS are helping me a lot.

[Azul]

Phoebes-

You are describing my experiences. Felt like a thing to both my M and F, instead of like a person. And a thing that they could use however they needed/wanted. As long as I was compliant, things seemed okay. But as soon as I had needs or feelings, or asserted my personhood in a way that went against what they expected and wanted to use me for, their mood, attitude, demeanor, way they would speak would all turn very dark. And their self-centeredness would be on full shocking display.

I'm in my early 40s and the lightbulb is only now really going off that it wasn't, and still isn't, me. There have been a couple people who tried to tell/show me in the past that things with my FOO were not okay and that it wasn't because of me; that it was because of my parents. I kind of understood it a little bit, but I did not fully see or believe it.

I'm only coming to a full realization of it all now.

And you all are right. It is definitely helping me to hear from others who have had similar experiences; people who have been through it too. I've never really known anyone who has been through it AND is openly and honestly talking about it, accepting it and dealing with it.

Thank you