Working through this wound

ednasurvivalmode · November 23, 2024, 09:28:51 PM

Fear of abandonment is something I see deeply rooted in myself. In learning and observing myself, I realize that if someone shows the slightest hint of familiar behavior indicating a past experience, I go into a fear space. As I sift through all the baggage unpacked for this lesson, it occured to me that I often "give up before I start" when it comes to people. My recent experience has shown me that I can overcome these fears. They still happen and are very real to me but I'm only experiencing from my point of view and how narrow that has been. I know how to be kind and Ive learned to implement boundaries again. Now, I am struggling to open up. Ive closed myself off out of necessity because Im a recovering oversharer. Where is that middle ground? I dont think this is a question that someone else can answer for me but I hope that by posting this, you can find solace in knowing youre not alone on your quest for answers. I will try to allow myself to take comfort as well.

Chart · November 26, 2024, 08:13:09 AM

Not being alone helps. Thanks for sharing, ednasurvivalmode.

ednasurvivalmode · December 09, 2024, 09:23:48 PM

Thanks, Chart

AphoticAtramentous · December 10, 2024, 01:02:27 AM

Thanks for sharing this, it is indeed a problem I think many of us face. Especially the notion of just finding the middle ground in general... battling between our fawning and fighting selves. It is a good reminder.

Regards,
Aphotic.

Kizzie · December 10, 2024, 05:27:13 PM

Thanks for sharing your experience Edna, it does help to hear how others are doing and what they are working on. Being here means you are opening up so bravo to you, it's a big step when you think about it.

ednasurvivalmode · December 20, 2024, 05:29:20 AM

It feels good to know that others understand. Thank you for sharing, AphiticAtramentous and Kizzie.

Kizzie · December 20, 2024, 04:46:58 PM

Papa Coco · January 11, 2025, 04:37:23 PM

Edna,

Fear of abandonment is huge in my life too.

A couple of weeks ago, I met one of my IFS parts while I was struggling with why I can't feel comfortable around other people. As I finished my thought a young boy appeared with a pair of antique copper binoculars up to his face. He lives in my chest. Right side. Very near my right shoulder. He says that no matter who I'm with at any time, be it a loved one or a stranger, he is watching their faces with his binoculars. He has the ability to watch rooms full of people too. He says it's his job to watch the eyes and mouths of every human near me, so he can immediately warn me to RUN! the second he sees them about to betray me, hit me, hurt me, laugh at me, and abandon me out of disgust for who I really am.

I named this little IFS part BB, short for Binocular Boy. BB does this because he is protecting me. On multiple ocassions, I've been betrayed and abandoned and humiliated by the people I loved the most in my life. I've been uninvited to events because I wasn't "cool enough" to join. My little friend, BB, remembers how badly it hurt each time I was told I wasn't wanted, so he is tied directly to my flight response. When he shouts, "Run!" I run without thinking it through. I've ended some good friendships due to his seeing an eyeroll or a lip movement in someone that he interpreted as the moment they decided to abandon me because I'm not worth their time.

Me and BB have a friendship going now. He has protected me since I was about 5 or so. We talk now. Now that I see him and now that I understand why he does what he does for me, I'm not quite as powerless to override it. I'm still triggerable, but the sensitivity of the trigger is toughening up a wee bit.

BB is a part of me. So his anxiety levels are my anxiety levels. When he gets scared, I shake. When he gets suspicious that someone isn't trustworthy, I'm the one who gets a knot in my stomach.

As we talked early on, BB also shared with me that he's the reason I have to have this little beach cabin to run to. Here in my beach side community, the beach itself is many miles long. When I'm on the beach, most days, I'm alone. I can look North and South and see nobody. Also, I don't know anyone here. I don't participate in community events, and I don't allow myself to learn the politics of this community because I need to be alone here. Totally alone. BB told me that the reason I feel peace when I'm alone and out of sight of all other humans, is because it's the only time he feels allowed to put down his binoculars. Being on the beach, alone, where no humans can see or hear me talk to myself, is the only place HE feels relaxed, and when BB is relaxed, I can relax.

Again: Interesting. Knowledge is power, and seeing BB connected to my flight response and to my need for isolation, helps me frame the whole picture a bit better. I hope it leads to me gaining a bit more peace in my overall life. I want BB to do his job, but I also want to help him lose the anxiety over doing it. It's okay to watch for betrayals and stop them before they happen, but if I can help BB lose the anxiety about it, I'll find more peace in more social situations.

ednasurvivalmode · February 28, 2025, 10:05:32 PM

I, too, feel safe when I'm alone. You're very strong for your persistence in healing and I have learned so much from your sharing what you learn. It's helpful for me to hear(read) that being alone isn't wrong or bad. Like you, I believe I have lost the opportunity with the right people in the past. Unfortunately, I spent more time chasing the wrong people. Thank you, Papa Coco, and BB.