Glad this forum exists

[desertkate]

Hi all, I'm in my early 40s and live in the US. I've struggled with self esteem/worth, people pleasing and perfectionism, toxic shame, and codependency for as long as I can remember. At times, that's been accompanied by debilitating anxiety and depression, as well as relational problems, hypervigilance, avoidance, self sabotage, etc.

I've been going to therapy for many years, have been on different medications, etc., and I try to remain hopeful that I've got this and can get through it but self doubt weighs heavy. I believe I grew up in a dysfunctional family system where I played the scapegoat where my mother enabled my step father's emotional abuse, my birth Dad acting as a repeat abandoner, as well. I replicated these harmful early relationships with bosses, friends, lovers, until I realized in my early 30s that I was stuck in such a cycle. This sort of mild awakening happened while working with early childhood mental health practitioners, and I think it changed my life. But I still struggle. I'm realizing it's mostly anger and grief now, that weigh on my heart and mind the most.

I'm married, and my husband also struggles with similar trauma responses and issues. I'm very grateful for him. I think the next steps in this healing journey are to share more and open up more to people that "get it." That's why I'm here, and I'm glad, but also sad, that this space exists. I'm glad for us to relate to each other and lean on each other, but sad we've all endured such associated pain. Such is being human, I suppose.

Thanks for reading everyone, and I look forward to sharing with you all and learning from you all along the way. 

[Little2Nothing]

Welcome to OOTS, desertkate!

[Papa Coco]

Welcome to the forum, DesertKate!

[SenseOrgan]

Welcome here desertkate! 

[TxiaHoria55]

Welcome desertkate! I hope you find here the comfort and the support that you need in your journey.
 

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS DesertKate 

You're right about members here "getting it" and more than that, being prepared to share their experiences and offer suggestions, comfort and support.

You're so right that it's sad we are here, but ten years ago there was not much if anything like this so it was a big boost to recovery that we started to find one another. I know professionals read here too so they are more aware of just what we go through and that helps them be able to help us.

Anyway, glad you found us and us you!