The "door"

[TxiaHoria55]

Hi,
I was talking with my therapist a few weeks ago about my current situation and the stress it puts me. My BPD parent is current moving out. I lived with both of my parents because of the difficulty to find apartments alone as a student. However, my parents are in the process of divorcing, and my BPD parent has found another appartment for them, so they'll be moving out soon. Well, they've been moving out for several months, it feels that they're doing everything to move the date as much as they can. So I talked to my therapist about the stress is causing me and the problems of having them at home. Specially, about the fact that I try to avoid them as much as I can, so that I don't have to oppose them. They hate opposition, whatever form it takes (different opinions, boundaries, etc.), and I don't feel safe opposing my self to them in a situation where I don't have a place to escape if things go wrong.

That day, my therapist proposed me an exercise of role play. That I would imagine my BPD parent and talk to them about how I felt, knowing that they would not react. And also, that I could leave the conversation whenever I need it through a door. It went pretty well, but when we finished the therapy session, she asked me to reflect on how could I find my own "door" in the real world. Not a physical place though, a metaphorical door of some sort.

I've been reflecting about this for two weeks. And I feel as clueless as when she asked me that question. I've always used avoidance and fawn to survive with my BPD parent, to the point where those are the only options I know that I can think of. So I wanted to see what where your opinions on this subject. Do you have a "door"?

[Armee]

I have no idea what she means by that! 

[NarcKiddo]

I have no idea either. It's probably worth asking her to give some examples of what she means.

I am supposing she may mean something like this:

You take yourself mentally away through a door, which leaves a shell of you on autopilot doing the "smile and nod" response. Kind of like sticking your fingers in your ears and saying "la la la". I'm not sure if you are able to do such a thing, or whether it would even be helpful to you. It feels a bit like deliberate dissociation to me. My alternative would be to try the "observe, don't absorb" technique. There's lots of resources on Google. The essence is that you (in advance) make a mental note of annoying/hurtful things they say or do on a regular basis. And a note of the unpleasant feelings they evoke in you when they are doing something horrid but not necessarily something on your bingo list of their behaviours. Then you pretend you are a scientist with a clipboard, and your job is to look out for these behaviours or reactions in yourself. When they happen you mentally make a note on your imaginary clipboard and congratulate yourself on having predicted this. After a while I find it takes the sting out of what they are doing. I am busy concentrating on observing the behaviours that I am no longer absorbing their damaging effects.

[TxiaHoria55]

NarcKiddo, that's an interesting technique. I never heard of it before. I enter in danger mode when things like this happen, so I never tried that. Thanks for the info!