Maria S journal

[Maria S]

This is weird. Dad was at my door. Kid left his homework. He picked it up. Dad innocently and joyfully inquired how I was doing. As if things were absolutely normal. Kinder than in a long while. If people see this, I can imagine they do not believe the other side exists. Even I doubt myself now.

This man...for years, I went to ruins, because I was so sad and anxious and psychotic and suicidal over his behaviour. I told him the exact behaviours. He knew. He hid it for others. But did not change. Knowing he was nearly driving me to suicide. I told him. He - and my dependence on him - wrecked me. He hurt the bond with my child. He undermined everything I found important to my child. He did a smear campaign with family. I grieved so deeply, because after my mum died, I lost the rest of the family, over things mum and him told them, and that weren't even true. All this slid of him. I don't think he feels the slightest bit of guilt. Or lets it even access his awareness. 

After all this, I decided to take a gigantic leap back. To go ultralow contact. I told him. I showed it, behaving politely businesslike to him. Emotionless. As he does to me. I have refused to celebrate the holidays together, as well as a shared vacation, saying too much happened. I cancelled therapy. I said I would propose parallel parenting.

I remember my mum screaming at him in frustration over her marriage. Screaming that everything always needed to come from her. Him seeming the victim. And now I kind of....say sorry to my mum-in-the-skies. I had no idea how difficult he was. And how frustrating this is. His daughter moved away from the relationship. And I don't think he even registrered it. Or he is just relieved I finally act normal and stopped showing emotions.

He puzzles me. Autism? OCPD? Narcissistic behaviour? Did I see it wrong? What is this?

[Maria S]

I decided to post music and poetry and books I like in my healing process.

I love this band. This song speaks to me. I speaks of being frightened to love people after hurt. And chosing to love again, and to heal. I want to connect to other people again.

https://youtu.be/lh897YhbUG0?feature=shared

[Papa Coco]

Hey Mathilde,

Your journal is powerful. I'm impressed by your awareness of the appropriate/inappropriate things your family does.

While reading some of the books I read about how to live a more intentional life, they talk about people who respond exactly how you say your dad is responding. It sort of speaks to the old game of playing hard-to-get. When he's being pursued, he resists being caught. When you stop trying to pursue him, he turns and pursues you.

I'm not intending to hijack your journal, but this seems like a story that might be partly relevant to what you're going through. Maybe. Not sure.
  I spent 50 years being gaslighted and smear-campaigned by my own family. I've spent 14 more years away from that behavior, but I still get super anxious when I'm accused of anything I didn't do or say. My FOO would make up stories and launch smear campaigns for leverage, fun, or revenge when I didn't give them what they wanted. I became so used to always being on the defensive that I didn't know there could be any other way to be. Whenever I was falsely painted as someone that isn't me, or for having done something I didn't do, my voice would rise to a higher register, and I'd chatter so fast you could barely understand me. I looked and sounded crazy. When the chattering truth got too entangled with the lies, then I'd dissociate. Go blank. No more talking. They called me crazy. They drove me crazy. Then they laughed and accused me of being crazy when I couldn't defend myself in a calm state of mind. Then they just reached out and took what they wanted from me never to be held accountable for what they took.

I don't think anything can raise my anxiety like being accused of being a bad person on any level.  I sound like an idiot when I try to prove myself innocent. In 2010 I had used an email to ask my brother to help me find a time when I could visit my aging dad without our evil sister being in the house screaming at me. He altered the email, printed it, and gave it to Dad, who then called me on the phone screaming at me because my (altered) letter said I was planning to kill everyone. (My siblings wanted my share of the inheritance. They'd gotten our baby sister to take her own life and they were now working on me to follow suit, as I was the new baby of the family, and heir to 1/4 of Dad's worth. They wanted me to kill myself like they got her to do to raise their portions to 1/3). As he screamed, "I'm having you thrown in jail" an otherworldly peace befell me. I was so suicidal that I knew I wasn't going to last much longer. But during this horrible call, a sense like warm wax was poured over my head and gravity was coating my whole body in it. I calmly said, "Dad, I love very much. Goodbye." I hung up, changed all my phone numbers and email addresses and never saw or spoke to him, or any of them, ever again. It wasn't his fault. But if I'd have argued that I didn't write that, it only would have escalated the situation. My evil sister and our tattle-tale brother were, no doubt, listening in on the other line, locked and loaded with lots of backup lies and fabricated evidence to be ready to sabotage me again if I'd have bothered to fight back. No doubt they were planning to trick me into saying some words that they could record, take out of context, and use to push me to my suicide. I was right on the verge. I think they knew that. But luckily, something snapped in me during that call, and I totally disconnected. I had wanted Dad's love. They wanted his money. He took their side. And I disconnected. He was kind of crazy and incurably selfish. He was, himself, seldom telling the truth. But I loved him. He was my dad. But there, in the summer of 2010, I was done fighting. Done defending myself against the absurd barrage of accusations that routinely flowed my way. I found that, for me, peace was in choosing my battles, and, for me, fighting for my father's love was a battle I couldn't win, so I put up the white flag and moved on. In my case, I have never regretted it even for a second.

My FOO had finally become so ugly that even I couldn't love them anymore.

I know that your story is different from mine, but I just wanted to share that if you are feeling any of what I felt around my lying family, then you have a kindred soul on this forum who shares in that sense of being crazy because of all the lies.

Here's where we might be different:
For me, the worst part though was that the practices of 50 years of gaslighting, slander, and smear campaigns by the people I loved the most, taught me to distrust my own memory. Even to this day if you accuse me of having done or said something, I will likely take the accusers's side before my own. I am not always sure if I just forgot I'd done it....my family made it very clear that everything I said or did hurt someone somewhere, and I learned that maybe they're right and I'm wrong. It is 20 accusers to 1 against me. Every day. For fifty years. Maybe I'm the 1 who just doesn't remember doing whatever it is that they say I did?

NOW that I know what gaslighting is, and how it decimates its victims' self-worth, I feel like maybe I know enough to fix what they did. THEY were in the wrong to lie and cheat and smear and gaslight. I was led to beleive I can't trust my own thoughts, but that was a lie. I CAN trust my own thoughts and my own convictions. This is a way to help gain strength and confidence when we have to fight for ourselves. Our abusers got a lot of time to undermine our self-confidence, but we can get that back when we truly grasp that THEY were wrong and WE were NOT what they said we were.  Now I know...NO! If I didn't do it, I didn't do it. PERIOD! A smear campaign is just a smear campaign. It's a powerful weapon of destruction used by bad people. It's a tactic that should be considered a crime. It's a powerful tool that turns everyone involved into either villains or victims. Nobody in its web is neutral. Even the pawns who just believed what they heard are now guilty of having our blood on their hands just for falling for the lies without validating them.

I just wanted to share with you that I could really feel some valid frustration in this thread, and I really felt a lot of empathy and compassion for what you're going through.

[Maria S]

It's night here...I'm going to respond better later. But thank you SO much. This is a tremendous help. Thank you. I am sorry for what they did to you.

[Blueberry]

This is weird. Dad was at my door. Kid left his homework. He picked it up. Dad innocently and joyfully inquired how I was doing. As if things were absolutely normal. Kinder than in a long while. If people see this, I can imagine they do not believe the other side exists.

Oh, I believe the other side exists!
Some of my FOO members act just like that.

[Hope67]

 

[Maria S]

Thank you. I had a conversation with the CPS worker. I feel bad about it.

I had a big religious fear after. Feeling I am a horrible person for criticising my father and not being a good enough mother to my son.  And will be punished.

I felt strong for days...then suddenly felt it was all my fault. That they are right about all the bad things they said. That I am as awful a person as they always told me. That God is so angry with me.

I'm terrified. And disoriented again. Am I to blame for all of it? Is it maybe true? Should I reconnect? Apologise? Shut up?

[Armee]

No, no honey. You are not bad or to blame. The men who assaulted you as a little girl are to blame. And now at least one has enormous power over you still.

What did the CPS worker say to you?

[Maria S]

Thank you. Thanks. Dad wasn't the assaulter in childhood btw...rather the  bystander not protecting me. He became assaulting later on. When mum died, he took over. I took some anxiety meds and a ton of cookies.   It helped a bit.

She is a very young girl, but she is better than the last, who seemed to be npd-ish.

- I asked for therapy for my son, and me and him together to curb parental alienation. She said she too thought that would help him. But he has to want it. He is avoidant of such things and I'm not sure if we should respect that or persuade him to have sports therapy.
- I told her I want no contact with dad. That I need parallel parenting, no shared meetings and no sharing of my information with him. I explained why (threats, revenge). And said I'm a person who tries until I have nothing left. So to please respect the boundaries I set. She respected that. Which is a big win.
- She wondered about my support system. And goals for my own health. I told her.
- I said I want more room to be a mother, and for my child to be my child. She didn't really say much, but I suspect they won't do much there. She said sometimes we have to accept it won't be the ideal situation.
- She started about me having to give my child permission to be with dad and stand behind this placement. I said I disagree with him living there and I cannot change that. But that I try communicate with kid as tactful as I can. But I'm open to feedback. I also said the parental alienation goes exactly the other way. And I'd like attention to that too.
- I mentioned narcissistic dynamics before. She inquired what I wanted from her. That she would not choose sides for me. I think it was interpreted as fingerpointing. I withdrew a bit, but told her dad called his family narcissistic, and has similar communication styles, which are unsafe to me. That I did not need her to pick sides, but to have a balanced view. With the focus changing from my trauma responses, to our complete system. For the benefit of all.
- I think she did not really grasp the impact of (physical and) emotional abuse towards me, on my kid...saying what happened from dad to me did not impact kid (sigh, of course it does). I also think she doesn't understand that if dad is not capable of emotoinal stuff...that this also impacts kid, even if nobody sees it.
- I think I did not give her a comfortable feel. The situation is really skewed now. With all my problems in focus. And my dads not at all. So I need to set that straight. Without fingerpointing accusations. Which is impossible.
- I asked to not go by hearsay. But take a real look into my functioning with kid. She agreed.

Ah well. It is what it is. I'm happy she doesn't share my information with dad. And that I'm not forced into contact. And that they will look better into how I'm really dealing with my son. I'll send her a summary.

That's what I remember.

[Maria S]

A poor torn heart a tattered heart
That sat it down to rest
Nor noticed that the Ebbing Day
Flowed silver to the West
Nor noticed Night did soft descend
Nor Constellation burn
Intent upon the vision
Of latitudes unknown.

The angels happening that way
This dusty heart espied
Tenderly took it up from toil
And carried it to God
There sandals for the Barefoot
There gathered from the gales
Do the blue havens by the hand
Lead the wandering Sails.

- Dickinson

Like it.

[Maria S]

I am a bit shocked actually. It sinks in now. I told cps that my brother and dad hit me to the ground. And threatened me. And showed a severe lack of empathy (not understanding a child to be afraid of incest).

And she said all that didn't have anything to do with my child.

His mother has severe ptsd because she is beaten to the ground. And thus cannot care for him. How does this not harm him?

[Blueberry]

Thank you. I had a conversation with the CPS worker. I feel bad about it.

Feeling bad after it doesn't mean you did it badly. In fact I read your long post of what all happened and what you said in your conversation with the CPS worker and I am impressed. I think you did very well.

I had a big religious fear after. Feeling I am a horrible person for criticising my father and not being a good enough mother to my son.  And will be punished.

I felt strong for days...then suddenly felt it was all my fault. That they are right about all the bad things they said. That I am as awful a person as they always told me. That God is so angry with me.

I'm terrified. And disoriented again. Am I to blame for all of it? Is it maybe true? Should I reconnect? Apologise? Shut up?

No, you are not to blame for it!! You are trying to do the best for your child, to advocate for your child.

A lot of what you write sounds like an EF to me, or that plus what I call the "boomerang effect": you stand up for yourself against FOO and/or against some greater Power (like an institution - CPS etc), you do it well and then boom your Inner Critic or something slams you down because 'how dare you stand up to FOO / defend yourself / set a boundary /or a whole host of other things??'  A therapist I used to have referred to this as The Empire Strikes Back.

Standing with you.

[Blueberry]

I am a bit shocked actually. It sinks in now. I told cps that my brother and dad hit me to the ground. And threatened me. And showed a severe lack of empathy (not understanding a child to be afraid of incest).

And she said all that didn't have anything to do with my child.

His mother has severe ptsd because she is beaten to the ground. And thus cannot care for him. How does this not harm him?

That shocks me too.        - directed at CPS worker and/or her training

[Blueberry]

And she said all that didn't have anything to do with my child.

Wouldn't that past behaviour of your dad (and brother if he is allowed contact to your child via dad) be a potential threat for your child?  SMH     at CPS worker.

[Maria S]

Thanks.

Yes I think it was a flashback. But also: they literally drove me crazy. I had psychosis years ago. This works against me. They rather have a father who seems nice, but secretly hits and manipulates, than a mother who had psychosis. There is stigma. 

I indeed think it was a flashback. What you describe is exactly it. I was guilttripped and gaslighted a lot. So I have this automatic response of feeling I am bad after speaking up.

I'm a bit sad. The good part of my father gave me a booklet with drawings and texts from childhood friends. He said, with hope: I thought you would like this. I think there is genuinely a part of him that wants a good relationship, and doesn't understand what he did wrong.