This time of year is so difficult

[Desert Flower]

I was doing quite all right I thought. But then I got very triggered today by two people who care for me, saying the same thing, well-meaning.

I told my friends we were gonna visit our holiday home for the holidays and that should be nice. (After a period of frantically trying to deal with daily life. It's always so busy this time of year, and I had so much to do and I always feel I should get everything done and do everything right too, because otherwise I will not be worthy and that's exhausting. I get so anxious whenever I feel anything will go wrong and I'm the one responsible for it. But I was doing okay nonetheless.) And then my friend said: I hope you can get some rest during your holiday.

And I also spoke to the company doctor, who is monitoring my health and who's such a very gentle person and he said to be sure to gain some energy during the holidays, spending some nice time with family and such ...

BUT

I'm spending some of the holiday time with my mother. This is my doing. I feel I should take her with us during these times. As she is lonely. And my pattern was/is: I have to make her feel better. But the thing is, I wrote this before, I cannot make her feel better. She will never feel better. And I will not be able to relax or rest while she's there, I will only feel inadequate.

OH how I hate this situation! I will never be able to deal with this in an acceptable manner. Either, I take her along and feel s****y because she is so triggering to me. Or I don't take her and I will feel so terribly guilty. There is just no way out!

There were many years that I just refused to deal with any of this holiday season business. And just made sure I was out of the country this time of year. The whole thing just felt phoney and fake to me. Look at us being happy ha ha. Feeling miserable and not showing it, you mean! OH I hate it so thoroughly. And nowadays, I feel even more obliged because she's old and fragile. And there's this saying/joke we have over here that goes: "What shall we do with mother this Christmas?", family members saying that amongst themselves. Because a parent may not be left alone this thime of year. And I'm responsible and well adjusted ha ha. And I won't allow myself to bail anymore.

I just needed to get this out here, so the little kid can have a little recognition. I know I'm not doing it for me, but I will do it anyway. I wish I had the courage not to.

And I spoke to my h about it and he understands. And the next holiday opportunity is our May holiday and there's no special custom around that saying: "What shall we do with mother this May holiday?". So we agreed we will leave mother at home then!

[Armee]

I'm sorry. I was in this exact situation and feeling no way out. Covid shelter in place was such a gift to me as it allowed me to bow out of that for a few holidays. It's was so nice. I wish you had something that could excuse the obligations.