After 10 years my mother still doesn't get it

Started by Healing Finally, December 22, 2024, 10:35:40 PM

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Healing Finally

HI all  :wave:

I haven't posted in awhile, but plan to make more of an effort to participate here as I could use your support.  :yes:

Just want to share that I wish I could get over my mother's insensitivity to my needs/feelings.  :'(

Over 10 years ago my family was blown apart by dysfunction, and I was blamed due to my trying to point out my younger sister's narcissistic negatives effects on our family.  :aaauuugh:

I have gone through so much since I was removed (discarded? fired? cancelled?) - all the while - providing continual support for my mother (lived with her for two years and moved her into assisted living without any help from my sister who lived 10 minutes away.)  :pissed:

My 92 year old mother can't stand up to my 64 year old sister, as she is fearful of her doing the same thing as she did to me, so she supports my sister keeping me outside the family.  :no:

I just had my mother here visiting me for our Christmas time together (as she will be with my sister on Christmas.)  We had a lovely time.  I try to make things really wonderful for her as I know she only has a few years left.

And yet, my mother yesterday sends me a picture of her and my sister's finance in an email.  The email is titled "Love this picture of you two" and it came from my sister to my Mom.

My clueless mother still thinks we are one big happy family! She has never admitted that her actions/inactions play any part in the division. 

Fortunately for me the picture wasn't attached, but the insensitivity of sending me a picture of someone I am not allowed to know or even be around is so painful to me, and so I've been triggered.

As I don't want to feel triggered, I do my best to justify to myself that my mother just can't "go there" when it comes to her part as my (u)NPD sister has such a hold on her, and yet....how can someone be so insensitive, my own mother.

BIG SIGH.

Sadly the only thing that gives me any sense of solace is the fact that this finance cheated on my sister, and she still stays with him because she admits he can support her lifestyle and she doesn't want to be alone.  IN other words, I don't care about any of them!

Thanks for listening... :grouphug:

Healing Finally

HI all,  :wave:

So I feel so embarrassed.  :disappear:

I just reviewed my last post before this one and it stated that I will no longer be a victim of what I am sadly complaining about in this post!  :doh:

Damn my C-PTSD!  :pissed:

So, I'm still working on it.  Hope all is well with you out there...  :grouphug:

Desert Flower

Hi HealingFinally,
Yes, here's some support! I definitely know what it's like to have a mom who still totally doesn't understand and it's so frustrating! At least you know what's going on yourself and that's a big thing.

Quote from: Healing Finally on December 24, 2024, 07:46:22 PMI just reviewed my last post before this one and it stated that I will no longer be a victim of what I am sadly complaining about in this post!
:yeahthat: Me too ...

Big sigh here too.  :fallingbricks:

Hang in there  :hug:

Kizzie

Quote from: Healing Finally on December 22, 2024, 10:35:40 PMMy clueless mother still thinks we are one big happy family! She has never admitted that her actions/inactions play any part in the division. 

My NM did the same thing right up until she passed. It helps them if they create a reality they can live with but it's hard on us. I think sharing how it made you feel is actually not being a victim of it anymore. You're not stuffing it down or pretending it doesn't bother you, you getting it out here with others who will support you and that's recovery   :thumbup:   

Chart

The trouble with Cptsd is not knowing what the problem is, it's making our brains feel differently about what we know already to be wrong...
I hear you about maternal insensitivity. So sorry you too have a dysfunctional mother.
 :hug:

Healing Finally

Thanks all for the support.  :wave:  The Mom triggers are the worst.   :fallingbricks:

Kizzie, this comment is very helpful...  :cheer:

"My NM did the same thing right up until she passed. It helps them if they create a reality they can live with but it's hard on us."

This is exactly what is happening. I do understand her need to create her own reality.

After reading your comment I closed my eyes and imagined life with my mother no longer here.  Wow. The weird family dynamic would be GONE.  There would be no "dynamic" as it would just be my sister making her stand against me. I would no longer be a scapegoat for the family dysfunction.

Then I imagined, what if both my mother and my sister died?  Wow. This gave me an unusual feeling, which to be honest I can't quite describe.  The entire dysfunctional family situation would be GONE. My nemesis would be GONE. I imagine this may be what it's like for people who go no contact, and I can understand the desire as it is freeing.

I'll stick it out for my Mom's sake, and honestly I don't think she's going to be around much longer.  HUGS ALL  :grouphug: