Community

[snuz]

Hi all. I've just had a painful realization about myself and how I relate to community. I thought for a long time that the solution for my loneliness and isolation was community. In the past I found community either in work relationships or friend groups. What I learned over time, however, was that I valued those communities much more than I was valued.

One example was when I moved away from a group of work friends and we happened to all come together at a conference some time later. These were people I considered my friends. I thought they cared about me. But not one of them, including someone who I thought was one of my best friends, made any effort to reach out and connect with me at the conference. It broke my heart. I've got lots of examples of this including being treated terribly and bullied by people I thought were my friends. So I struggle in groups.

I've been severely isolated much of my life mostly because relationships with people are so painful. I thought, however, more recently that community would be a solution to this. A few months back I moved into an intentional community. I was really excited. I thought this was the end of feeling isolated. This situation has turned into near constant stress and trauma of having to work toward being part of a community. It's only been four months, and I am so unhappy here. I would move if I could afford it. It mostly just feels like living in close quarters with people is a lot of giving up what's important to you without getting much of anything back. There is a lack of engagement with my messages in the community text thread, which somehow feels the worst, in addition to several other difficult situations.

I know much of my difficulty is unresolved trauma but healing doesn't happen instantly, and for me, it has been excruciatingly slow.  For now I will be intentionally isolating to protect myself from more retraumatizaiton. Maybe in the future I will have healed enough to have capacity for community dynamics. I currently don't. Right now I need to recover from the most recent trauma that made me realize I don't have the strength for community. And that at the present moment community mostly does more damage. This was a painful realization.

It feels better to get this out though. Thank you all for listening. 

[Kizzie]

Snuz, I am so sorry things have not gone well for you in community thus far. That's so hard I know. You won't be bullied or ignored in this community though.

Perhaps non-survivor communities are just too much for now given how much most of us struggle with relationships. The key IMO is that we find safe communities and I'm not sure they are a lot of those out there. Group therapy for people with CPTSD from complex relational trauma like us might be an option because there's a therapist at the helm helping to deal with issues that come up. Sharing here is safe and a good place to try out community because we're all working on relationships and being respectful with one another. 

Paddling around in the shallow end and gaining confidence rather than jumping into the deep end may just be helpful.



   

[Chart]

Hello Snuz, I'm touched by your openness and honesty. Being "let down" is in my opinion one of the major hallmarks of developmental trauma. We were massively "let down" by our caregivers. This is so very very painful, and I personally have spent years struggling with others by unwittingly re-creating the same dynamics of my childhood. This took me a loooong time to unravel and try to straighten out (and remains unfinished). It means ultimately finding what is our true selves. So long as there is disconnect, sadness, conflict, etc with others around us, we know that we are still very likely consciously or unconsciously dealing with our deep-seated trauma patterns. It sounds like you are clearly passing all this into the conscious realm, which could give you the distance and perspective needed to start working through the feelings and emotions that accompany your search and need for community. As we learn, we get better and better at discerning what is truly good and healthy for us. But with Trauma this can be hard work. But worth it! I'm so sorry for your struggles, but hang in there and know that the work of understanding will almost certainly have a positive repercussion.
Sending hugs and support if that's okay.
 

[Healing Finally]

Hello snuz 

I get it.  Overall community is a good thing.  But if you are still healing from trauma then too much can be a bad thing.

You are actually describing my worst nightmare, as I used to think that living in an Intentional Community was the answer for my future.

And yet, I have heard that living in an IC can be mentally exhausting, like "being in therapy 24/7".

It's all about boundaries.    And if you can't make them properly with people around you, then it may be best to protect yourself by being alone at this time. 

I have been living on my own for the past year and realize it's been 15 years since I've lived alone.  Since I'm so used to putting other people's needs in front of my own, it's been nice to only have my needs to deal with. 

I hope someday maybe there will be a good community solution for you, and all of us. 

take care