New member saying hello

[Darkhorse]

Hello everyone, I'd like to introduce myself. I'm Darkhorse, I live in Scotland.
I was diagnosed with CPTSD a few years ago, 2019.
I've struggled so much over the years.
I am not in contact with my family of origin.
It has been about 20 years since I've seen any of them. But it's very peaceful, and also joyful, tinged with a lot of sadness.
The worst thing is that I long to socialise with people, but I become so exhausted trying to work people out, are they trustworthy? So it's so much easier and less tiring to not socialise.
I feel that I will be forever on the outside, looking in.
Why am I not good enough to be part of a group?
What am I doing wrong?
I am interested in other people, their likes, dislikes and passions.
I have been 'used' in the past by some, as do many other human beings I guess.
I do have a few very very good friends, who care very much.
Any ideas why I am always on the outside?
It was always this way growing up too.

[Blueberry]

Hello Darkhorse! Welcome to the forum

Sorry you need us, but glad you found us. I hope that at least here on the forum you can start to feel like part of the group.

[Kia1212]

Me too Darkhorse. I live in the Us. My trust in people is nil. I have no desire to interact with people, just my adult kids. Took me 30 years to figure out how my family of origin was just as narcissistically abusive as my malignant ex husband. But when I recently was diagnosed with complex ptsd I realized I can't be around bullies anymore. Went no contact in September 2024 and I am at peace now. But there are a lot of scars from the abuse. It was hard for me to see that my mom and 5 siblings were narcissistic psychopaths and delighted in being abusive. Never once acknowledged one word or statement. It was you are crazy, etc. My ex started it in 1994, and I finally divorced him in 1999, after being married for 25 years. But my family continued and every time I would defend myself to no avail. My mom was the type that fully enmeshed you thinking she was me, it was really sick. The worst part is everyone loved her and she played the good time Charlie part to everyone but me. She passed away in 2018 from COPD. Now I get nauseous thinking of any of them, especially my mother. My whole life was dedicated to helping her out in every way. She was at my house, with my 5 siblings 5 of out of 7 days a week. It was sadistic. Sorry to rant but it takes a long time to heal I guess. My life lesson I guess was stop being so naive and put your guard up around users, players, manipulators, and sick individuals. They mean you no good will. Hope you are able to occupy your time well. I have been doing a lot of games, puzzles and coloring mandalas on the computer. It helps me creating beautiful pictures. Happy New Year too!

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS Dark Horse     

The worst thing is that I long to socialise with people, but I become so exhausted trying to work people out, are they trustworthy? So it's so much easier and less tiring to not socialise. I feel that I will be forever on the outside, looking in.

I think you'll find as you read more on the forum that this is one of the main issues we face as survivors of relational trauma. And really after what we've been through why on earth would we trust people? I guess the answer to that is because we all have a need to belong, it's what makes us human. And so we have to learn somehow who and when to trust. Part of that IMO is having sufficient boundaries to keep those user type people at bay but allow healthy people to come closer to us.  It's not easy or simple as you point out but I think we can learn who is safe and not safe. 

The not safe people become more apparent as we learn more about abusers, but it's the healthy people we really need to be able to spot. When I say healthy I don't mean someone who never makes mistakes in a relationship, that's asking far too much. Instead it's looking at the person who has made a mistake and seeing if they take responsibility and apologize authentically. What are they like if/when they are angry? Do they lash out and tear you down or do they express their feelings without becoming personal?

I'm sure there are lots of signs of a healthy person we could list here but that's the trick in all of this. That is, put good boundaries in place to screen out the abusive types, and identify signs of healthy people so we can try a little at a time to build a relationship.

[Darkhorse]

Big thanks to those who have said hello so far!
Kizzie....my goodness.....you certainly make a lot of sense with your reply.
It's something I've always known.
It seems like my boss is someone who I cannot trust....she forced me to tell her 'what was wrong' with me......happy one minute....easily in tears the next......I just cannot regulate my emotions, no matter how hard I try.
I have left employers, by not coping with awful behaviours....and yes....abuse in the workplace!
If someone screams and yells, I am out of there.
The thing is, I work very hard and go the extra mile so often.
I know I am talented, but I will never ever reach my potential.

Life is difficult for those of us diagnosed with CPTSD, then we have to do the delicate dances and game playing in the workplaces.

[Dalloway]

Welcome to the forum, Darkhorse 
I think you came to the right place, there are lots of people here who have similar experiences and can understand and emphatize with your struggles. I´m sorry for all you´ve been through that led you here, but glad to have you in this safe place. I can relate to the loneliness and the longing you described. I also struggle with socializing, I´m always nervous and anxious when meeting new people and having to communicate with them, because they are not "safe", meaning I don´t know them well enough to be prepared for their reactions. So I´m choosing to stay home isolated. (Maybe "choosing" is not a right word, because it´s not a conscious choice, but anyway.) But it´s killing me slowly because I have a desire to bond with people, to make friends and to be part of a community that understands and accepts me.
There are many things stopping me from pursuing my dreams and being braver, from "putting myself out there" and many times I feel that I´ll never be prepared for changing that. But I can´t lose hope, can I?
Anyway, glad you joined us and welcome again. 

[NarcKiddo]

Hello, and welcome. My husband is from Scotland so we visit there from time to time to see relatives. It's a long journey as we live in the South of England. I hope the weather where you are is not too grim right now.

I am familiar with the feeling of being an outsider. Although part of me would like to be social I tend to feel much safer on my own. So my desire to be part of things is heavily laced with needing to keep an escape route open at all times. I'm sure other people sense that reluctance on my part to commit fully.

Kizzie's comments about the difficulty in spotting a healthy person are bang on. I'm trying to make connections very slowly these days. Engaging in idle chit chat in the locker room of the gym rather than just ignoring everyone and getting dressed as fast as possible is one thing I have been experimenting with.

[Darkhorse]

Thank you to everyone so far who has replied, I've got tears running down my cheeks. Nice thoughts Dalloway, they all make perfect sense.
And to you NarcKiddo, oh yes, there's plenty of snow, but it's all good and can get about with no issues.
Thank goodness this place exists.
I mean it when I say it's probably a lifesaver......

[Kizzie]

 

[Dark.art.girl]

Darkhorse, I know I'm a little late to the party here but I'll post anyway

First of all, welcome welcome welcome. This community is full of support and understanding, and I hope you find peace here. I believe you're where you're supposed to be!

Your concerns about trust with others in making new connections is completely valid. I totally understand. I come from a lot of instability in my upbringing, and a lot of betrayal from familial, romantic, and platonic relationships. Honestly, I don't trust anyone unless they give me a good reason to. But at the end of the day, it's what protects us from getting hurt again. And if you have close friends that you trust and who love you, I think that's all that matters.

Personally, I don't look at it as being on the outside even if that's how it feels. I look at it as a blessing sometimes, because there are a lot of unreliable people out there. And from personal experience, people who have struggled with what we struggled with will attract people similar to those who have hurt us already. Now, can we be open to new connections? Of course! But there's absolutely no shame in being careful. Give yourself that grace, because you deserve it! It's not a you problem. All of us do our best to get through life the best we can, and you're doing that. Also, now you have a lot of people here who can relate to you and support you through this. Don't ever be afraid to reach out, we're here for ya!

Much love from the US! Stay warm out there.

[Chart]

Welcome Darkhorse!
So many things you express ring true for me too. Cptsd, developmental trauma, relational trauma... whatever term we use, there are specific commonalities that we all seem to relate to. What probably helped me most here on the forum was just exactly that: others have experienced nearly the exact same stuff as me. Finally I realized that I wasn't alone... nor totally broken and insane. That was an enormous boost and has helped me advance greatly. Thankyou for sharing your story and very happy to have made your acquaintance.
Ps. I'm 56, American male, living in France for 22 years and I cry about 2-3 times per day. It helps so much I'm gonna do as long as I need :-)