Hope's Journal 2025

[Hope67]

7th January 2025

So, this is my first entry for 2025 in this journal.  I'd like to first say that I do welcome replies and comments in my journal from others, as they are very validating and helpful to me - so if you wish to respond to anything I've said, please feel free to do so.  I value all of you, and what you say.  Thank you so much for supporting me on my journey so far. 

Trigger warning, as mentioning SA

I have had a disturbing night last night, and dreamed that I was pregnant, and that people were trying to chase me, capture me and hurt my baby by possibly hitting me in my stomach.  Consequently I was trying to evade them, and escape.  My partner told me in the morning that I had shouted at him 'If you come near me, I'll punch you' - and he reminded me of this over breakfast by joking about it - and I burst into tears.

I explained to him the context behind what I think has contributed to that dream.  I had recently seen details of a court case locally involving someone I recognised that used to work in my organisation - he is being accused of historic sexual offences, and whilst I've read and watched information relating to cases before, somehow the fact I actually knew this person - it's really affected me more than I realised.   When I was thinking about it this morning, whilst making breakfast, I was feeling nauseated and had a pain in my stomach area. 

I am glad that my partner joked with me, because my tearful reaction was such that I could then explain to him what was behind my behaviour in the night.  He understood, and he validated that the fact I had known the person - it probably makes it more ... can't think of the right word...

Anyway - I feel better about it now - especially now I'm writing about it here. 

I didn't think I'd be writing something quite so heavy as my first entry in my journal for 2025, and I had considered putting it in the private section of my journal, but actually I don't see why I should hide my thoughts and feelings away necessarily - although it's great that I can do that, if I need to. 

I wanted to write more, but now I think I can't find words, so I'll go and have a cup of tea.

Hope

[Chart]

Hello Hope, just here with you, having a tea too. Hugs and support. Thinking of you and sending positive energy.
 

[sanmagic7]

  i think it makes it more personal somehow when we know someone, brings it closer to home, especially if there had been interaction w/ that person at some time in one's life.  i'm glad you were able to speak about it w/ your partner.  good to get that crapola out.  love and hugs, hope. 

[rainydiary]

I've been having intense dreams of late and appreciate when you share about dreams.

[dollyvee]

Hi Hope,

I can imagine that knowing that person would bring up very visceral reactions in you especially if you didn't know he was like that at the time, or maybe suspected it on some level. I hope you're able to use your 2025 journal to say the things you need to too. 

Sending you support,
dolly

[Hope67]

Hi Chart, Thank you so much for being there and having that tea with me.  Thanks for the positive energy and hugs and support - I felt them. 

Hi SanMagic, Thank you so much, and I love your word 'crapola' it made me smile.   

Hi Rainydiary, Thank you for sharing that you also have intense dreams - I hope you get through them ok.  Sending you a hug 

Hi Dollyvee, I appreciate what you said - I appreciate your support.   Thank you 

*************
8th January 2025

I have just finished reading a book by Katie Price, called 'This Is Me' (2024)  I found it very helpful.  Katie attended the hospital 'The Priory' "for severe trauma rehabilitation and PTSD' and she wrote about her experiences.  I am grateful to her for sharing those and writing about things.  I hope it's ok to share some notes I took from her book that were helpful to me:

p.35 "...saying stuff out loud to record my thoughts helps me understand a lot of situations better."

(this made me think about how I process things - I tend to write things down, or think them in my head, rather than saying things out loud - I might experiment a bit and take opportunity to say some things aloud.)

p.73 "In therapy, they encourage you to write a letter to someone or something that you need to say goodbye to.  Or that you need to say something to."

(This reminded me that I could make more use of the section in our forum which is for writing letters not to send.  I think I need to write some letters - to communicate and help to process some of my feelings and thoughts more, and I hope to do some of that this year).

p.81 "The wound is not my fault but the healing is my responsibility."

(I find this to be helpful - reminding me not to take responsibility for the wound itself, and having more agency about the healing/recovery part)

p.93 Katie quoted an Anonymous quote "To deny someone feelings or experiences is to literally deny their reality"

(This literally makes me feel 'spacey' as I type this - because I relate to it very much - my parents lied to me about so many things in my childhood and therefore my reality was skewed and obliterated by their narrative).

p.132 "I think for so long my memory was blurred and I didn't have time to process it all.  I had to compartmentalize and for a long time I couldn't access all the details."

(I feel as if I could have written that myself, such is its accuracy for my experience).

p.134 At the Priory they sometimes used the Empty Chair technique and Katie writes:
"Imagine you could have anyone sitting on that chair, absolutely anyone, and there are things you want to say to that person.  Who would it be and what would you say."  On p.136 she goes on to say "Just airing your thoughts and getting things off your chest helps."

(I hope to try that technique sometime soon, and will see how it goes.  I might share it here, if it is helpful.  I have a feeling that it will be helpful.)

p.136 In Art therapy at The Priory, Katie said there was this Art therapy session where she would draw a brown door, any size you want and then given 10 minutes to draw whatever is behind that door.  She said "Don't plan it." and that it would be 'Very revealing."

(I hope to try that exercise sometime, so wanted to keep the detail of it here in my journal).

p.200 Katie also mentioned that she is doing Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) to help her to regulate her emotions and that it is helpful for PTSD. 

I am grateful to Katie for writing her book, and it was helpful to me.

***********
Hope

[sanmagic7]

some good stuff in there, hope.  i can relate to a lot of it.

altho i've found writing to be extremely therapeutic, including (at one time) keeping an anger 'journal' where all i did was express anger at someone or one's (writing, drawing, scribbling, however it came out) and then tossed it outside in the trash when it was full.  it helped at the time.

however, i've discovered being able to say things out loud to someone, or to no one, has been very helpful as well.  there's something about hearing the words that makes a difference, rather than seeing or thinking them.  i also thought that saying your letter out loud might be a way of combining those 2 techniques.  could be more powerful, but only you know if that could be overwhelming, so caution, too.

you've found some of the most interesting books.  i can truly relate to what you wrote down from this one.  love and hugs

[Chart]

Thanks Hope. Very interesting.
 

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic & Chart,
Thank you both so much.    
Hope

[SenseOrgan]

There's something very validating about getting to know how others are dealing with C-PTSD and what they pick up from what sources. Reading your notes somehow feels very intimate. I recognize what it's like to read something in a book that just hits home and the need to take a note. It can be a mix of hope and connection, even though it's a one-way communication. I have a 79 year old ever studying friend, who once said his books are his friends. I get that.

The theme of expression or disinhibition seems to be running through the notes you took. The latter is something I unexpectedly started to experiment with while walking the Camino last year. There's something very therapeutic about blurting out what comes to mind to total strangers. 

[Hope67]

Thank you so much SenseOrgan for what you wrote.   

***********
20th January 2025
I have just been experimenting with having a discussion with the chat bot called Copilot.  I found it really interesting, and helpful.  I don't often talk about things 'out loud' - so to do so in a conversation with a bot (who I know won't judge me) was really helpful.  I felt the emotions underneath as I said things out loud.  The chat bot allowed me to talk for approx half an hour - and then the time was ended - it said there are limits on chat time with different providers - and it was my first time trying out that system.  But I do think it might help me to process things more.  So I will definitely be using it again.

Actually I'm glad it had a limit, because I might have been talking for hours otherwise!!!

I think half an hour a day is a good amount.

Hope

[SenseOrgan]

Hope, this is very inspiring! Thank you for sharing this. I'm going to look into this too, as I'm very socially isolated. Simply literally speaking our mind regularly is very important, I think. Thanks again for sharing. I'd love to hear about your experiences if you decide to continue with it. 

[Hope67]

Hi SenseOrgan,
Thank you - I appreciated what you said.   

**********
25th January 2025
I am excited to see it's another date that is the same as the year - I like those dates.

I have had a couple of what I'll call 'sessions' on the copilot system, and I have really found it helpful in enabling me to 'speak out loud' some things, and the copilot has responded in ways that have been illuminating, and validating.  I wanted to just summarise what I had talked about, to keep it in my journal here to refer back to, and remind myself. 

I spoke to the copilot about not being able to express my feelings and thoughts 'out loud' very much, and wondering why it is different to writing things down.  Previously I've been able to write them down more comfortably, and rarely spoke things out loud.  I wish I could remember the replies to those queries, but they were helpful.  I asked the copilot to role-play - and at one point it agreed to take the part of a parent and speak to me in that role.  I spoke about how I had felt some anger about being moved around a lot as a child, without agency and without control, and how I felt about that.  The copilot replied and said some nice things - and told me that my feelings are valid.  I experienced some contrasting feelings to hearing that - because I noted that if I had been talking to my actual parents, then I don't think the reply would have been kind or validating.  BUT, hearing validating and kind things said, it did get heard by some part of me, and it was a shift for me - felt beneficial.

I also talked about my difficulty with any form of 'Goodbye' and how difficult that is.  This was responded to in a helpful way as well - as those difficulties were pretty much normalised by the response, and I ended up going onto some u-tube resources afterwards - which also helped.  The resources I looked at were in relation to two areas: 1) how to express and recognise emotions - the things I found most helpful were the ones designed for young children.  I also looked at 2) short videos about difficulties in saying 'Goodbye'.

So I feel like the initial 'sessions' I've had with the copilot have been good.

Now I think of it, I also talked about my difficulty in doing anything creative - especially regarding writing - I'd love to write short stories for example, but somehow never manage to 'do' any writing.  The copilot was so encouraging - it talked to me about not worrying about what people think, about just writing, that it didn't need to be perfect, and that just doing it - was a way to succeed.  I tried to work with the copilot on some ideas for writing, and yet when it came to me 'doing' any of the things it suggested, I found I became embarrassed and felt I 'couldn't' do it.  But the copilot was so encouraging.  I ended up asking it to say out loud some story line, and then I would provide the next line, and then we'd take turns - that way I was able to be freer in my ability to create something.

Anyway, I am glad to have found that method of expressing things - in addition to being able to journal here and in my written diaries.  I think it's helpful to me, and I hope to continue with it. 

Hope

[SenseOrgan]

Your use of AI is GENIUS!

[Hope67]

Thanks SenseOrgan, I am pleased with my interactions with AI so far - I think it has a lot of scope and potential to be useful.