Why now?

[Dark.art.girl]

It's taken years to fully accept it since it was so normalized for me, but I am a survivor of CSA. Starting as young as 5 or 6 I believe, continuing well into my teen years and early 20s.

I'd been doing pretty good for a while, occasionally intrusive thoughts or images might make appearances, but nothing too serious. I had severe flashbacks over one incident when I was 18 but through therapy that's dissipated and feels a lot less uncomfortable. Now, having started a healthier and loving relationship, I'm having so many memories coming back to me. My partner mentioned something about someone I once knew--I won't disclose what it was--and it sent me into a full body event. I couldn't even open my eyes for ten minutes and by the end of it my body had been so tense it hurt so bad like I was completely locked on. I tried CBT but he had to talk me down from it. Luckily I don't feel any shame with him, he's very compassionate, and I've been very open about almost everything. And (unfortunately) he is experienced with PTSD so he's someone I can trust to help me if God forbid that happens again.

But I just don't understand why. Why now? Why, when things are going so well with this person am I having to deal with this? Am I just really good at disassociating or bottling things up without facing it and now I have no choice?? I wrote a letter to my mother who I am now NC with and that may have something to do with it, but everything feels triggering right now. And the worst part is it creates fear or paranoia and skews my reality with people close to me sometimes too.

[Armee]

Nature of triggers. Once that door to that part of the brain is opened the neurons start firing more. Wishing you peace till it settles. I unfortunately understand all too well.

[Kizzie]

Hi Dark Art Girl - As you say, you have someone in your life you feel really safe talking about some dark things with and as Armee suggests, that can open a door and cause you to trigger/have EFs. It can definitely be too much all at once. You might want to try and step away from all things trauma for a  bit just to break the feeling of being overwhelmed.

It may also be that your inner voice is trying to remind you that other people are not safe to keep yourself from being hurt/rejected again. That is, "You may have found someone safe but don't get too comfortable." Many of us are quite frightened about being hurt again so we don't let ourselves relax or trust easily. 

Whatever the case, I hope it slows down for you.   

[Papa Coco]

Dark.art.girl,

Armee and Kizzie are thinking the same thing I am about opening the door.

In fact, I've been reading up on the roots of flashbacks. It's exactly what Armee and Kizzie are saying, and here's some of the science of why that happens.

I've been reading that thoughts and memories don't carry any pain or anxiety. It's the emotion that the memories and thoughts are attached to that cause us pain and grief. And it's been noted that the brain doesn't file memories by alphabet, chronology, location, or any other way we think they do. Memories and thoughts are filed under the emotions that we were feeling when they happened.

I think of it also as a hotel with many rooms. But now that I know this about how thoughts and memories file themselves under the emotion, I see it like my hotel has 20 floors. Each floor is an emotion. From anger, to apathy, to fear, to sadness, to joy...there are only a handful of emotions that we can really feel, but there are millions of thoughts and memories filed under them. So, like Armee and Kizzie say, when we feel any emotion, we are now in the presence of all the other times we've been in that emotion.

You said that you'd written your mother a letter after you'd gone NC? I would say that absolutely, unequivocally, put you into the emotion that has a lot of memories and thoughts in it.

Like I say though, the emotions are where the pain is. Nobody cries when they read about a stranger's death. We cry when it's someone we have emotional connection with.

I've been learning from some really good books lately how to start the process of letting of the pain of the emotion and letting memory and thought just be. It's a process, and I'm finding it's actually possible to do. I started in July, and I practice letting go every single time a thought triggers an emotion that hurts. It's a process. It doesn't happen overnight.

I see that I have about 20 emotions in total, but I have thousands of triggers, or, as Kizzie and Armee say, thousands of doors into the same room. And once we open a door to a specific emotion, all the files from birth to today come to greet us. That's what I personally believe is the mechanism for why we have Emotional Flashbacks.

I hope this didn't sound too crazy.

[Chart]

But I just don't understand why. Why now? Why, when things are going so well with this person am I having to deal with this? Am I just really good at disassociating or bottling things up without facing it and now I have no choice??

Dark.art.girl, I'm so sorry you are going through this. It sounds like a major flashback. You're not crazy, this experience is truly horrible. Hang in there. It's probably not going to go away quickly, but there are some things that are important to understand. First, it will eventually ease up, but this can take some time. Be patient with yourself. Be forgiving with yourself. What you are dealing with is literally the most difficult thing a human can face. It's really the worst. But what does it mean? It means your body now wants to heal and it believes now is the time for that healing to begin.

It's happening now exactly because you have support and understanding. This is such a shocking contrast to your trauma it has triggered the return of all those repressed memories stored in places you'd nearly forgotten. But they are there, and they want to be heard and healed. The good news is you're on your way, and it Will get better. Now is the moment when all the pieces appear in their shattered form, you can see them now because your body wants them reassembled, but this time in their proper healthy innocent way.

I wrote a letter to my mother who I am now NC with and that may have something to do with it, but everything feels triggering right now.

This is how it works. I don't know what the letter said, but it was probably things entirely justified and that your abused inner child needed recognized. We open Pandora's box because we know something isn't right. (And yes, we all open it because we don't know what's in there, and yes we all regret it initially...) It's a descent into the inferno, but know that the alternative is worse. The alternative is denial and soul-death. You are not that person. You want to live and live fully. You will. And you will survive.

And the worst part is it creates fear or paranoia and skews my reality with people close to me sometimes too.

This way of "feeling skewed reality" is how the little girl felt when she was abused. It makes no sense whatsoever. Reality is turned inside out. It is infâme and horrific. You did not deserve any of that. No one does. And now you must go to that little girl and help her. Help her understand what happened. So many things to sort out. First it was not her fault. No. Second she didn't do anything to deserve what happened to her. Not at all. Third she was powerless and could in no way defend or alter the situation forced on her. All these things need to be made clear to her. History must be seen for the undeserved abuse that it was.

Write, speak, express, mourn. Do whatever you need to do now. The healing has begun, though it doesn't seem that way for all the pain it entails. But please know, Dark.art.girl, you are not alone. We're here to help. Don't judge yourself for the help your partner and others offer. You are entirely worthy of it.
Sending love and support.
-chart