Cassandra came out (or: "Out of the Storm")

[Desert Flower]

This was the Final Frontier. I had been struggling with this so much. The issue being me not being able to feel compassion for my Mother because she damaged and hurt me so much. I almost wanted to stop my Buddhist practice because I thought I didn't have (enough) compassion. And I had this child inside me screaming for attention, for recognition. The child had been ignored and neglected and she had not been nurtured and loved and cared for the way a child should have been. The child wanted compassion for her, not for mother. And I just felt so stuck, I did not see any way out.

So my husband asked me how I was doing yesterday evening. I was struggling. And I knew this already, only I couldn't accept it: my mother had no intention to hurt me, but she did. She neglected me (and my brother) emotionally to the point that she really damaged us. And I had been thinking it would be best for my wellbeing to disengage myself from her, only I felt I could't break her heart like that and she wouldn't understand what she did wrong. She really does want me to be 'happy', but she doesn't see what a person (child) needs to be happy, healthy, feel okay.

And my h said: maybe you should see her as a Patient. And that opened up a whole new perspective for me. It truly was no less than an epiphany. I almost don't know how to put it into words. That's it. She is a patient. She has an emotional disability: she just has no idea what to do with emotions. There is no blame here. And everything just felt all right instantly. I feel such tremendous relief. This is an explanation I can live with. It's not okay, but it's all right. I'm Out of the Storm. Now I not only know, I can accept it.

And this is a patient who has no insight into her own illness. She has no awareness of her own behaviour, her own actions, her feelings, whatsoever. She's 82 now and her condition has gone unrecognised, undiagnosed, untreated for a lifetime. She has not been cared for properly either.

And the thing is, she's always looked so normal to everybody. She has learned how to behave socially and mask her condition very well. And nobody ever saw it. That's why we didn't recognise it. All we had was this feeling that we ended up with of not being all right, thinking it was our fault somehow. Feeling we weren't good enough.

But the attachment disorder lies with her in actual fact, not me. This gave me the recognition I needed. And the emotional disengagement I needed. No, my needs have not been fulfilled, I have not been properly cared for and that's how I ended up here. And it's part of her condition. And there's a name for what I'm feeling: it's called Cassandra syndrome. Cassandra Affective Deprivation Disorder (CADD). This was the piece of the puzzle that was missing. I'm so glad I found her. Welcome Cassandra.

(Note: Another sensitive discussion to start here, I know. I do not mean to hurt anyone here on the forum or elsewhere. Please let me know if I do inadvertently. I do not conflate autism with abusiveness. And I know some of us here on the spectrum have been abused too and I'm sorry. This is not about anybody other than me and my mother. But her condition not being recognised, she couldn't but treat us the way she did. And I hope the neglect ends here.)

[Papa Coco]

DesertFlower,

This is a very touching post. Thank you for sharing it with us here.

I see only good in it.

I estranged from my own dad a year before he passed. His meanness had escalated so badly, and he was surrounded by my greedy sister and her pet, my older brother. This happened in 2010 and I am just now finally starting to feel the release of my anger toward them.

More and more every day I see that they were just as much a victim of the world as I've been.

Your h's idea to see your mother as a patient was genius. Very wise. I'm very glad it worked.

As for me, I wasn't able to feel my love for Dad before he passed. I don't regret it. I had to leave the family because my life depended on it. So I have no guilt around leaving my dad while he was still alive, but I do have sadness over it. It was a tragic thing. And your mother is still alive, and even though she'll likely never realize that she was making it so difficult for you to be her daughter, this isn't about her. Your Buddhist beliefs need you to feel the peace that you deserve to feel.

I've never studied Buddhism directly, but it seems like every good book I read that teaches me how to let go of things, or detach, or to love everyone equally, that everything they teach just happens to blend well with Buddhist concepts of peace and acceptance, and detachment of things that don't matter...Like carrying our emotional burdens.

I hope that what your husband has given you truly helps you for the rest of your days.

I want to say that I've been reading some posts by others who are also working to forgive, or at least, "tolerate without malice", the difficult people of their pasts, and I'm finding myself learning from theirs, and your, efforts.

I thanked you for writing this post, because today, I am so open to that message, that it's stirring something within me to take another run and giving up my anger at the people who hurt me unnecessarily. Comparing their lives to mine, I have no doubt that those who are still alive here are still as broken as they were 15 years ago. Maybe more so. I'm not. I've dedicated the last 15 years to finding all the ways I can learn how to love myself. And as I learn more and more about self-love, I'm finding that my love for the world grows with it. Self-love and loving others are symbiotic. (Not sure if I used that word correctly, but hopefully the meaning is still intact). You're helping yourself by finding a way to let go of your anger at her. But you're also helping me because I'm watching and learning.

I can say that I've noticed that in the moments when I feel especially close to Love and forgiveness, I'm finding it easier and easier to feel a lack of malice toward them. In fact, they were abused too, and I'm starting to feel a little sympathetic to their pain.

Your post is inspiring me to keep working at letting go of my anger. It's a slow process for me, but the journey of a thousand steps starts with the first one.

[Desert Flower]

Thank you Papa Coco for your beautiful response.