Validation Station

[OwnSide]

I wasn't quite sure where to put this, but I thought it would be helpful to have a resource of validating/compassionate/empathetic statements for times when you want support but don't feel like you can reach out. What have you heard, said (to yourself or others), or wanted someone to say to you when you were having a difficult time?

I've added some to start. Most of them are excerpts from journal entries, so they might be context-specific in a way I might not recognize. If something does not apply to you or feel right then please disregard. I also want to give credit to the parts of me that helped facilitate these conversations.


General:

"What can I do to help you in this moment?"

"That must be so hard to carry all of that all by yourself."

"I don't know what I could say that would capture what you must be feeling right now."

"It must be so hard to try to make sense of the pain."


For guilt/shame:

"Something deep inside you is hurting. You can't always do the things you want when you're hurting."

"Feeling like something is wrong with you is how your brain makes sense of the pain you are in and the things that you've been through. It's no more complicated than that. It is an injured conclusion born of an injuring situation."


For self-doubt:

"Please let yourself accept help from your own mind. You don't have to prove anything to anyone. You don't have to be 'right'."

"Trying to tell yourself that you do not feel what you feel, think what you think, hear what you hear, and see what you see is making your spirit sick. You can know that you feel it because you keep trying to tell yourself you don't. People rarely have to tell themselves not to feel things that they're already not feeling."

"No-one else was in that body, at that time, at that place, feeling what I was feeling. No-one else will ever know, so I can't pretend that they do. I just have to trust myself."


I invite people to add their own helpful phrases.

[Papa Coco]

Ownside,

What a nice post.

I don't know if anyone else is noticing this, but for me, the more I get to know the pain that my friends have suffered, the quicker I feel compassion for all people in general. I guess, I'm learning that most people have backstories. Most people had difficult childhoods. Now, because of all the beautiful souls I've met who struggle, my brain sort of automatically sees difficult people more as people who are in pain. They don't know how to deal with their pain, so they lash out. If I lash out in response, I feel like I'm going back into pain with them. I find that I just can't feel hatred anymore. It's poison in my veins.

Gandhi was almost beaten to death more than once. In every episode of violence, he chose to not press charges because, as he said, "They didn't know any better." I'm no Gandhi, but I admire him for his sentiment, and I am inspired to learn how to be at least a little bit like him.

I started to learn this many years ago. I was working graveyard shift in a machine shop. It was so quiet that I'd spent most of the night just trying to feel love instead of boredom. When day shift came in, the man who would replace me on my machine came in hot and mad. I was on a stool. He stood over me screaming at me becuas I'd made a mistake on one of my jobs. He threw it down on my table and was shouting and yelling... For some reason, I felt no malice. No desire to join him in his rage. When he was done accusing, and waiting for my reaction, I looked up with a kind glance and asked, "Did you have a bad night, John?" His anger melted off his face right in front of me. He quietly muttered, "My wife left me last night." I learned that day how easy it can be (sometimes, depending on the circumstances) that calm compassion can magically deescalate a rage. Not always. Some people are too far gone, but everyone deserves at least one check in before I react. Are they behaving badly because they're in pain? Or are they so full of pain that nothing I can say will help? I try to give everyone that first check.

That being said, I might add one or two comments. Some might be better than others:


General

We're all in this together.

We're stronger together. How can I help?

We accept the love we think we deserve.



Fear

It's okay to be afraid. I'm afraid too.

You're not alone. Anyone who isn't afraid of [whatever] just isn't paying attention.



For Guilt/Shame

(Self-forgiveness) I know how guilt hurts. But I've learned it doesn't serve anyone to feel guilt for things we can't undo.




For Self-Doubt.

It's okay. Everyone makes the same mistakes.

Like Maya Angelou said, "Do the best you can until you know better. When you know better, do better."

Courage is not absence of fear. Courage is pushing through the fear and doing it anyway.

[OwnSide]

Thank you Papa Coco for your addition.

I've been in a bit of a self-deprecation spiral and sometimes when that happens I try to write it out, and then this voice of powerful kindness and compassion comes out on the page to set me straight...   Anyway, here's a couple of excerpts that might be helpful to others as well.

"I wish your heart knew the peace you are trying to create for the world."
"It's not a waste of time to take care of yourself even if you don't feel better right away."
"You are worth the effort it takes to ease the pain."/"You are worth the effort it's going to take to heal."

[Desert Flower]

I like this thread very much. Thank you. I would like to add:

"You are doing very well. I know nobody ever told you that when you needed it to hear it before and that's very painful. I know nobody ever saw you before. I feel your pain."

"You are a good person, no matter what they told you or never told you."

"It's normal you are feeling this way, considering where you came from. You may feel whatever needs to be felt."

I needed these phrases today.