Can't stop thinking about my mother's behaviour

[Skyward]

Hi,

I'm new to this forum so forgive me if I cover well-trodden ground. Like many others here, I am struggling to get on emotionally solid ground since visiting my mother and speaking with her on the phone a couple of weeks ago. It's left me pyschologically frozen – and not being able to think of anything else. I have started to realise just how manipulative she is, and that every conversation is laden with passive-aggressive messaging. It's really compromising my mental health and I don't know what to do. I have seriously considered going no-contact but I'm not sure if I can handle the blow-back from her or my siblings (or myself, for that matter). But she's become SO nasty.

However, she is nearly 90. And I don't think I could survive my own self-concept of 'abandoning' her at an age where she is starting to decline (I relate to the concept of 'moral injury' here in PTSD – it's like they are forcing you to morally injure yourself by disconnecting). Her abusive verbal attacks are on subjects that I find deeply offensive (racism, mysogeny, anti-millenials – who happen to be my children etc etc). Nothing is out of bounds. When she bombarded me with offensive emails about a referendum here in Australia who's aim was to give indigenous peoples more of a voice in our parliament, after ignoring them, I finally said "I don't want to talk about politics, Mum". So when we visited next, she put a political sticker smack-bang in the middle of her garage door, where we couldn't miss it.

Last night I found out from my beautiful, kind adult daughter, that she is being sent similar hostile messaging through her social media DMs. The tone is aggressive. I believe she is doing it just to see our horrified reactions. This is definitely where the rubber hits the road for me. We've all been nothing but kind to her, and I will NOT tolerate bad behaviour towards my children.

But the attacks are not just confined to politics. She started with her most recent phone conversation on my teeth (yes, really). She said in an obviously fake-concerned tone of voice that she thought there was something wrong with them – she didn't quite know what it was, but thought it was probably my diet. She then offered me money to get them fixed. She said, I have money I can give you – not a lot, but some.

I thanked her and said I am planning to have a dental check up, and that we do have some retirement savings that we can use if I need any work done. She was a bit taken back and said "Where?". I said "In a fund". Suddenly things started to click. She had been making sarcastic remarks about things relating to us spending money on our daughter's wedding, in front of other people. She also said to me once in an accusing tone of voice (when I was talking about finding work), "Are you alright financially?!!!" I knew there were insinuations there but was confused. Now I'm pretty sure she had decided we didn't have any money – maybe because my husband is now retired but I still work. It felt like it would have put her in a superior and controlling position to be able to give us a hand-out.

Then she changed tone to "vulnerable" and said "I've been having headaches. Why do you think that is?" I can't tell you how many times she has pulled us into solving her 'health problems'. She has taken sleeping tablets (benzos) for decades, despite doctors warning against it. She's very dependent on them and will often take more during the night. I feel sure this is why she continues to get the headaches. I think doctors have given up trying to help her and just give her another script. I would be a really rich person if I had a dollar for every time she drew us into a conversation about how she (didn't) sleep the previous night and us trying to solve it.

This only scrapes the surface of her abusive behaviour.

Has anyone gone no-contact with an elderly mother? How did that pan out?

I apologise for the brain dump. There are so few people that are safe to talk with about this topic. My condolences to anyone going through this unique torture.

[NarcKiddo]

Ugh. I feel your pain. I share your discomfort at the idea of going NC. Mine is just turning 80. She is quite robust but realises she no longer has the raw power she used to and is adjusting her behaviour. What I have found is that they do not mellow with age. In fact they get worse because they become less able to mask aspects of their behaviour they know might get them in real trouble.

[Chart]

Skyward, So sorry for your struggles. Just a quick suggestion. You might want to start the process of going Low Contact. What I mean is taking the idea int serious consideration. Actually planning it out and working on understanding what it means and entails. There's no commitment to finally go through with it, but the process of preparing for it will be an extremely beneficial process. It will help you clarify what really is the problem and identify what limits you would like to be put into place. Setting limits can only be done if we are clear beforehand what those limits are and what will be the consequences if they are not respected. This is a lot of work, but it could help you to establish some "control" in a relationship that feels beyond your ability to manage.
Ps. I'm Low Contact with my mom for three years now. My priority is elsewhere. Whether things will get "better" or "worse" in the future I've no idea, nor do I preoccupy myself much with it. My own healing work and relationships with others is now my priority.

Good luck. Sending support, chart
 

[Kizzie]

I went Low Contact with my NM when she was in her 80's and the one thing I do know is that if that can't draw blood from you they will find someone else to get it from. We drew very clear lines in the sand about what she could and could not do/say and while at first she tried to bust through or sneak around those lines, when we stood firm she eventually gave in. She also went elsewhere for her N supply; that is drama, chaos, and FOG (fear,  obligation and guilt).

I don't know if you've been to out sister site Out of the FOG but it's for people dealing with someone with a personality disorder - https://outofthefog.website/.  They have some good tools such as Gray Rock which is a way of not giving the N any real reaction or info they can dig into (and I would add, doing so after laying down those lines in the sand because they have to understand what they can and cannot do around you). There's a saying "Don't load the drama gun" I kept in my back pocket whenever I did have to deal with her and it worked really well. If they don't have any ammo they can't shoot that lovely N gun your way. It's basically about not telling them anything except very surface level things about you and your family. 

I hope this helps. In my case it had gotten to a point where it was her or me (my sanity) and I chose me.

[Skyward]

Thank you all for your lovely responses. It's just helpful in itself to be able to talk with people who understand implicitly.

I had already started to go low contact towards the end of last year, however, when we visited (and stayed in rented accommodation) I realised what my sister (who lives nearby) was saying – that her mobility has gone into decline fairly suddenly. I think this is because she just sits most of the time and watches TV.

So my empathy was ignited and I researched people/service that might be able to help. I phoned her when I got home to see how she was, which was when I realised that I/my siblings will always be the enemy – she was going to try to tear us down until the end. It feels like she's thinking "If I'm going to go I'm going to take you all with me".

It's so sad and such an 'own-goal'. I have kind intelligent daughters – one is a doctor, and I know if she wasn't like this, we would all be there with bells on. I don't think I will ever truly understand, and I need to stop trying. The day after my gentle dad passed away 10 years ago, she said "I don't think I was very nice to him". I left the uncomfortable silence in the room. I wasn't going to absolve her of that one.

I am going back to low contact. And I do need to find the words to set the much-needed boundaries. Thank you for the tip re the FOG site. I will definitely look in to that.

Thank you all again for your support. 

[Kizzie]

It sounds like you have things in hand Skyward although I understand how much it hurts and how confusing her behaviour is. I did the same thing with my NM (was there trying to figure things out to help them as age overtook them) including getting her and my F into an assisted living facility with the blessing of their doctor (they listened to him).

It was horrible going through that move but in the end they had care 24/7 and I didn't have to worry they would fall or whatever if they were still in their own apartment. It also meant a lot of their N supply came from staff and other residents so she didn't need to FOG us as much.

There are lots of articles online (and here somewhere) about dealing with an aging N parent because typically they get worse not better and those may be helpful as well.

[Saluki]

Hey Skyward and welcome to OOTS.
I'm so sorry you're in this horrible situation with your mother. It's so hard,it really is.


I cut contact with my mother irretrievably by moving home a few years ago. The fact that she kept her address secret from me helps ease the guilt a little. I feel safe now from her hatemail and weird "gifts". I very much empathize with the moral dilemma - I still feel guilty for "abandoning" my elderly mother, but I have to protect myself and my children. Their memories of her (I cut contact when they were in junior school) were of her hostile, manipulative, highly divisive behaviour. She played the golden child/scapegoat game with my kids and they called her out. It didn't go well. I received an absolutely disgusting letter from her in response to a text I sent asking her nicely to treat my kids with equal kindness. Pages and pages of put downs.

I'm glad I made the decision to not tell her my address. I also feel tremendously guilty. But she's been lying to me for years, so I'm trying to be compassionate to myself.

I know 100% that she will have been telling her entire extended family how nasty I am to have abandoned her, using her age as an extra sting. She poisoned her family against me years prior to me moving anyway.

I miss the nice part of her. I miss who she was when she wasn't being cruel, rude, abusive, hostile and to be honest, the nice parts were often pure manipulation.

I feel awful. I miss the mum I never had, but I don't miss my mother.

Maybe I turned her into a monster in my head to protect myself,but if I talk about my experiences of her, I realise she was never a mum. Just a very lost, mentally ill individual stuck in a role she never wanted and couldn't cope with.

I thought thanking her for raising me in spite of not wanting me would break the ice and allow us to have at least an adult relationship, cards on the table,but no- it just led to denial, DARVO and aggression.

My mother would use poor old me tactics too, abusing my empathy.

Have you watched the British sitcom, Friday Night Dinner? There's a character in it called "Horrible Grandma"- me and my kids thoroughly enjoyed watching that and started calling my mother "Horrible Grandma", which helped. Comedy is my favourite coping mechanism!

It sounds like going low contact and setting some boundaries like Kizzy mentioned is a good starting place. I think my situation is quite extreme and even then, the guilt hurts and I thought I'd feel better for not having her in my life,but actually, I just feel sad, hopeless... because all I ever wanted was a mum who loved me. She doesn't.