Intro by HealN

[Kizzie]

Note: This post was made by HealN in another thread here in the Intro Section. I copied and pasted it here in its own thread.

Hi everyone. I'm in the throws of inner child work and codependency, and breathwork (not in the same) Flooded by memories, past rape and dv abuse. I didn't know what you called people who behaved this way, but he was the most ruthless kind. Covert and vulnerable who was "salt of the earth" and "Oh my God! you're so lucky you have someone who loves you so much" upon observing his pathological insecurity, and control. I couldn't use a public restroom. When I said I had to leave, he'd say ok, act like it was. Guess who was waiting outside ladies room  I got away only to meet another, learn that behavior had a name, NPD

I AM SURROUNDED! It explains so much of my confusion. My deceased son, and 2 daughters, my sadistic brother and the ladies man brother who thought smacking my sister in law (and me growing up) was good way to "keep her line." He hit her twice in presence and could sit there. My niece and nephews were pleading and I got physical with him to protect her. She, who when I lost my home, when my other became deathly ill, not a call, not a text because not a care. This the most painful thing I have ever known and I have absolutely no one. Not one friend left, no family. Just myself and my autistic, nonverbal son. So I went online but the pictures on there, the meat market vibe is not my thing on a good day. Now, intolerable and triggering. Not to mention I discarded and boy oh boy. I cant say. To think that someone who knows well the hurt, anquish, pain fear, self doubt, and soul stealing horror and agony this is. What animal would ever visit this on another human being for what to me amounts to be sport. They dont do this because they're starving or sick or somehow desperate. But because they can. Want to go thru life where everyday is have it your way. How lovely for them all. I should be so lucky, but I kind of have a thing about not abandoning people, nor put them in pain so I don't have to experience mine. They will sleep with ANYTHING. They're try sexual. But it was something. I had NO idea how meeting satan on earth was going to myt whole life on its axel. I miss my daughter. M best friend but the eldest turned her against me, and about 95% of my family. So I'm doing all of this alone. I signed up for NPD recovery and was gone the 3rd day. the woman is NARC. PERIOD. And she's playing around with minds and the live of really hurt and abused people who trust her and it makes me feel pure wrath. I always hated people who pick on weaker things. I part feel like, mind your business. But if I don't say, doesn't that make me complicate? If my speaking could save one person, it worth it.

Because I don't yet know what's permitted on here, so no names. Except if asked, and its private. I feel like I'm losing it. Yet another betray;. But in my place of recovery? Some people don't make it this is so hard and have nothing but contempt for this so called "coach." When I speak to her I say roach. ZERO apologies. The truth is the light. But, the experience makes me afraid of a coach.
I've been up for 2 days, cant sleep in the dark, endless crying, to point of being on the floor, weight pouring. I am dying inside. Coming to terms with my mom did what she did to me. And my own babies. Pain doesn't even begin to cover it. Yet understand the way around is through. It feels like the world got together and said, "lets attack THIS one." Sure feels that way. I'm praying to God for just 1 friend I can chat with sometimes, but doubt I get it. Just a year ago, I had 8 grandchildren, a guy who loved me, 1 great-grand, 2 daughters, 2 sisters, brother, to having ONE person to support in even the smallest way. I'm so lonely, feel so like garbage, while simultaneously shutting off that voice. I just wish it wasn't so darn relentless and convincing and believable!

I block it out, I absorb. Shut off the voice, then it rushes in . And this will go on, back in forth 24/7. Not one voice of encouragement, support,  and nobody to reinforce my weak sense of value. I know I've said a lot. Thank if you read it all. Don't blame you if you didn't. It still had to be said. No more running from feelings. Its EXACTLY how I ended up in this position. Sending all of you hope, joy  faith, love and light. Most of all, I wish for you, the calm that comes with acceptance. I hope I'll be back and what I'm hoping for. If not, the show must go on. I hear it gets greater later.

Thank you for having me. Hugs.

[Chart]

Welcome to the forum, HealN.

[Hope67]

Welcome HealN 
Hope