A LONG WILDERNESS TRAIL

[woodsgnome]

My journey with CPTSD has taken me down a long, winding trail, and while I've given up searching for a "cure" I am still charting a course in which to feel healing.  While that roaming has already stretched over 60 years, I've learned to accept—grudgingly at times—and understand that what's past is passed. The catch there—it still hurts, and the ache can threaten my hard-won quest for peace. Getting "over it" is a false model of security. I haven't given up hope, it's just that I don't search so desperately for it anymore. The hope isn't so much a turning towards a new morning as it is an appreciation for tears left behind and those that remain.

I used to think I should be able to step past the biography; from a name change through exhaustive self-help reads, spiritual seeking, and more—you name it, I traveled far and wide thinking there was just one more step needed, one program to follow, a magic bullet or a miraculous revelation. The trip included nine therapists—you read that right; mine was a classic "freeze" response, and I bailed out of formal therapy frequently. In the end, all the outside pursuits could only provide a thin salve for the stinging inner wounds, and iit's primarily on  that inner trek that I've truly been able to find the trail again.

That probably doesn't surprise many on this site—it's why I was thrilled to find it. For you are traveling here too, stumbling sometimes, but you don't need to "try and understand" because you already know the route with its raw numbness, fear, and elusive peace. So I look forward to sharing in that peace, learning and living with new friends.  It's like settling down before a comforting fire on a long winter's night.  We all know so well how vulnerable and lonely this path is...I can sense you, though, through the tears; squeeze my hand and don't go away.

Thank you. 

[Trees]

hi woodsgnome, I am squeezing your hand,  I am hugging you .

Your journey sounds much like mine.  I changed my name, too, because just seeing it on incoming mail kept throwing my mind back into the childhood years. 

These days I just seek peaceful moments.  I am so grateful to have found this site where there are people like me, a place to go to soothe the loneliness.

Your beautiful message really touched me.  Squeeze my hand and don't go away . . .

[nibbe]

I only occasionally check the intros for new entries. And by totally random fate I checked in today and clicked on your intro, and the tear ducts went ballistic. Out of those few short lines I could sense, and internally feel the hurt and pain you have already suffered, and all that lays ahead. But please, "please" know this, "that you are not alone anymore!"  I absolutely wish I could offer up the Magic you seek,  but I can't. For I am, and shall always remain a simple, quiet person without magical powers. In my case I lived and suffered in un-blissful ignorance, the pain and hurt was constant but I was clueless as to why. Then last year I stumbled into the reason. And like you, the self drive kicked in to find out more. Currently today there is only one solution being offered for c-ptsd, therapy.  But research and science are actively working on memory modification, which to me sounds extraordinarily promising.

Welcome to OOTS "woodsgnome", I shall gladly take hold of your hand, and hold it tightly. (But should you read some of my other posts, you will find I am more into bear-hugs, the kind that envelops the whole body and spirit, and makes you feel secure, and at PEACE.)

nibbe
"when it is quiet, and I am alone, I am at peace"

[Kizzie]

HI  and welcome to OOTS WG, glad you made your way here to us   

[tink1382]

Hi Woodsgnome,
Im new here too and like you i  am so thrilled to have found this lovely community. It is amazing to be with people who truly know how it is to live with C-PTSD. Your introduction post was really beautiful and touching and i hope you do find some comfort by this cozy fire with fellow travelers.
I am squeezing your hand 

[smg]

Woodsgnome,

I am squeezing your hand too!

I am crying at the remembered pain of being rejected because I needed a hand to hold. I want to commit to not rejecting myself for needing support. I don't know if I'm ready, if i can. Maybe it doesn't matter ... I'm trying now to love me.

Thank you for prompting these thoughts.

smg

[Jdog]

Woods gnome-

A warm welcome to you.  In regards to there being no cure for us, my therapist reaffirmed via email today that I will have many triggers and constant challenges in my life and that a huge dose of self compassion is the best medicine.  I seem to need constant reminders to be self compassionate.  I am sitting at the comforting fire with you, happy to be holding your hand.

We will make it through, all of us.  Thanks for joining us here.

[woodsgnome]

I have to say, that I really FEEL the support, the hand-holding, those who have joined by the fire, and held and squeezed my hand. I can't thank you enough.

It's only happened rarely in recent years, but when some would try and touch me, they could sense my discomfort and didn't try again. It hurt me that they didn't, but I just never knew how to trust anyone's touch; my hyper-vigilance was so intense to even the best-intended people, and they'd not try again.

Self-love, self-compassion...yes, it's been an extreme hurdle. But thanks to your sincere touch, I can breathe easier, and feel that there are friends for me, too. And not judge myself as needy or selfish, but only as a human who has friends who can see behind my wall of pain, because they've been living there too, all along. And I'm so happy to be able to gently squeeze back, and love you for who you are.

[Jdog]