Relaxing

[Mathilde]

I wondered: does anybody have ideas on how to relax?

I just cannot. I used to be capable, when I still dissociated a lot. But now? Nope.

I forgot how to relax. I can have a fun. And when I am with others, sometimes I feel better. But true relaxation is difficult. I tend to zone out behind a screen, but that is no resting.

[Armee]

Have you given any of the guided relaxation meditations or yoga nidra a try? It took awhile for that kind of thing to work for me. It makes sense it is hard for us because relaxing lets in the flood gate of horrible feelings and sensations.

I don't know about you but I would physically brace myself and tighten all my muscles to keep from feeling anything and at first when I'd try to relax the second I unclenched I'd get physical flashbacks and bad thoughts and memories would come in and then I'd be back to feeling tense and overwhelmed.

I have a therapist now who is well trained in somatic therapy and the idea of pendulating. So she'd start with having me ground by placing my feet on the ground, feeling the carpet against my feet, feeling anchored to the ground,  then she'd suggest that I feel that anchoredness spreading up. Then she'd tell me to notice sensations that were associated with positive feelings and try to expand those sensations to larger parts of my body.

All the while I'd be feeling so ashamed because really I was having horrible feelings and thoughts instead of feeling relaxed and grounded. Eventually I'd tell her embarrassed that I couldn't even stay with positive thoughts or relax.

So she'd have me stay with the bad feeling for a little bit, to feel it and describe it and then she'd seamlessly transition back to the positive feeling and sensation so that I was sort of toggling between the two.

So I guess my advice is not to beat yourself up if you try to relax and find the opposite happening AND that you don't need to stop...you can pay attention to the bad thing for a little bit and then try to break free from that and go back to the good feeling too and go back and forth like that. At first it's going to feel impossible probably because those flashbacks that come up can really sink us in and there's no ability to get out. But as soon as you have some control and can feel yourself and think again try to go back to the postive feeling. At some point get up and move around shake your arms or legs make some noises just do something physical to not get trapped.

Good luck. Relaxing IS hard with ptsd. It's OK to try and give up if it isn't working. But try again the next day or week or month. Eventually you'll develop that skill. I'm sort of in the beginning of being able to relax. 7 years ago when I started therapy I could not do the relaxation exercises. They were way way way too triggering. So I kind of gave up on them as a tool instead of continuing to try and build that skill.  I think just accepting it's hard and that it's going to have the opposite effect for awhile takes some of the pressure and guilt and shame off.

The other thought I have is what if you approached the things you currently do to zone out (screens etc) as an intentional way to relax. So instead of saying you're zoning out, instead you are watching TV to settle your nervous system and give it a break. Maybe while you are watching you can try to remember to consciously breathe or do some muscle relaxation while you are distracted. 

[Mathilde]

Sorry for not responding before. I read it. And wanted to re-read. And implement. Thank you so much for the extensive response.

[NarcKiddo]

My main form of relaxation is exercise, which I know sounds really counter-intuitive. I've never got on with things like meditation. I find meditation frustrating and annoying and very un-relaxing indeed! But steady state, repetitive exercise like swimming lengths or a decently fast walk on the treadmill while listening to music, allows me to switch off. My mind will wander about and sometimes I think a lot. Sometimes I find myself thinking about upsetting things and I cry. Then I process them and recover. But for me the gym is a safe space and the monotonous movement is relaxing. It quiets my mind.

My other form of relaxation is art. It started off with adult colouring books and now I do my own art. It requires concentration and care - I won't even listen to music or an audiobook when doing art as I find it disturbing. Concentrating on the art becomes meditative for me and I can zone off and relax completely.

If you have any sort of hobby you like doing, especially one that involves a certain amount of repetition (needlework? knitting? model making? baking?) than I think it is worth considering that as relaxation and using it as such. If you end up with a nice result then so much the better.

I like Armee's suggestion of re-framing your zoning out as relaxation, if you do actually find it relaxing. It is easy for us to criticise and say we have "wasted" an afternoon in front of social media - but if you are doing something that is not stressing you then just take the time for yourself.

[Mathilde]

Thanks! Yes, I had that in the past! With movement and art indeed.

Rock climbing did this for me. Argentine tango did. It forces me to really connect to my body and nature/the other. And feel every movement. And just be there, without thinking. I should find something like that again.

Creative writing does it a bit. It focuses me outside myself. But is too heady.

I could try baking and cooking again. Baking bread is great. I've read somewhere healing is in working with your hands.

And my work does it. I need to focus on the kids and they help me play, which I think is a great way to relax. E.g. a little girl was sad. I needed to be with her. Cuddle. She crawled on my lap and wanted to do colouring together. This is a beautiful way to relax.

I do think my phone is relaxing. But it's not good. It is addictive and gets me away from what truly needs be done.