Probably Need to Quit

[Phoebes]

In the past 3 years, I've kind of gone from fairly athletic still, at the very least active, to two broken wrists, one with surgery, a broken big toe, jacked up shoulder issues ongoing, and now, I have been diagnosed with osteopenia in spine and right hip, and osteoporosis in my left hip.

I'm pretty shook. I've never felt old before, could bounce back to exercising. Now I still can't put much weight on my hands, a regular dog walk threw my shoulder out, and now I need to be careful not to fall or do certain movements.

I'm planning to do all the things I can to get better, even if it costs too much. But, one thing I know I need to do is quit drinking altogether. I'm mad at myself on this, too, because a couple of years ago I quit for about 5 months and felt really good. I really talked myself into knowing that it's just simply poison and any relaxation or good feeling I had was an illusion. It seemed to work, until summer.

Anyway, at one time in my early 30's I went to AA, probably prematurely. One the one hand, I loved my friends there, on the other, I became disillusioned with the whole concept it was somehow a "disease." Dis- ease for sure. I was there 2.5 years.

Basically other than a few dry January's, or 2-3 months here and there sobriety, I have been a 3 beer a day drinker for around 30 years. I'm feelin' it. When I try to go more than one day without it, it's so so hard. I've grown pretty lonely in my isolation, and it feels like a warm hug. I know, dumb, delusional. I know I need to quit entirely and feel good like I did before. Why don't I wanna? I knew this day would come.

[Blueberry]

Hey Phoebes,

Just want to say I read your post and I hear you! There are so many things I could do with quitting too like eating sweet stuff (other than fruit I mean). It's not always that easy though. Correction: Probably never easy or we would have done it before and kept it up!

My body is falling apart as well, or that's what it feels like, getting weaker and weaker, and tho I don't have diagnoses because mostly doctors don't find problematic diagnoses doesn't mean joints don't ache and I don't have a kind of 'rolling walk' / 'rolling gait' due to foot problems, which makes me feel really old.

I wish for you that you can find the support you need to leave alcohol behind, whether that's AA again or something else! Step 1 done on here anyway: we realised our lives had become unmanageable. Being honest with yourself and others on this point   (which I'm not yet doing with food, tho did plenty of in distant past when in 12 Step program)
  

[Phoebes]

Thank you, Blueberry. I know the long timers are the wise ones. Hearing those words are also like a warm hug.

I started remembering another reason my relationship with AA became out of whack..which I now understand..I guess having a pretty messed up sense of self and still full of self-blame and loathing, when it came time to do the amends, I wound up apologizing for way more than was my place to do. Blaming myself for my abuse, I had all these remorseful reasons to apologize to my abusers and enablers. You can imagine what they did with that. People would talk about what a relief making amends would bring and I thought ya know, maybe this isn't for me. I think it would be different now tho knowing what I understand later in life.

Thank you for your support and encouragement! I can understand it's hard with food because one has to eat. Im always finding it hard to strike a balance. I really want to get back to that place of "meh" with alcohol, and sugar.

[Blueberry]

Thank you, Blueberry. I know the long timers are the wise ones. Hearing those words are also like a warm hug.

This feels like a warm hug back to me. Much appreciated today. 

I know there is another group that works kind-of-like AA and co. but isn't. It has been mentioned on the forum but I don't remember the name. I haven't been to 12 step groups for at least 10 years. Used to feel supportive for me, no longer do. I just end up triggered and go into Fight mostly. Not helpful for me or anybody else.

[Phoebes]

I toooootally get that, Blueberry..