Loss of memories

[Stussy7]

With my CPTSD, a lot of my life has been erased from my memories, including one traumatic event I only found out about a few months ago.
Does anyone else have this?

I know that most people want to erase their bad memories, but I really want to remember. My narcissistic father already makes me doubt that anything bad happened...so I need my memories back so I can confirm what I already know.

For so long I thought I was crazy because I was having these random feelings come up and not knowing why I felt like that. For example, I would feel anxious and empty when my husband left for work...and a couple of months ago I found out I was emotionally abandoned suddenly by my father (after being enmeshed with him for so long).
I guess it's just frustrating not remembering so much of my life! 

[Blueberry]

Yes, it's quite common, you read about that lots here on the forum. I don't have the wherewithal to write more on it rn. I'm sorry that you're affected that way. 

[WabiSabi]

Yeah, I don't think it's uncommon. I used to get phantom feelings I couldn't make sense of.

When I first learned about CPTSD I'd been so irrationally angry all the time, I figured I was stuck in the 'anger' stage in the cycle of grief.

Once I began to focus my energies on moving out of that stage, I had a lot of repressed memories returning to me. Thankfully, they were mostly mundane things I can't recall now, but they gave me a better picture of my experiences. I don't think it could have happened had I not felt secure and been focusing on healing.

[NarcKiddo]

Even if we do not have (or have repressed) visual memories we quite often have emotional memories. It seems that these are all filed away in the section relating to the emotion rather than, say, the time period of our life. So when something happens that provokes a particular emotion we can be flooded with other instances of that emotion all jostling around. The problem is that if we don't have fully formed memories, or have filed them somewhere inaccessible, then we find ourselves apparently over-reacting to something minor and having no idea why.

I have tried to remember aspects of my childhood and have even googled places and people in case that helped. It did not.

I believe our brains will not release the memories until it thinks we are able to handle them. There has to be a reason they were repressed in the first place. Unfortunately when it decides we are ready is not always convenient. I often find myself getting snippets when I am in the gym and have cried on the treadmill more than I care to admit. My advice to you would be to be open to the memories rather than chase them. Maybe think generally around the times or topics where you have blanks. In my experience there is no shortcut and you just have to be ready to deal with them when your brain decides. I have not tried hypnotism or psychedelics or anything like that, so it may be there are ways of speeding up the process. However you would need to be very careful of the therapist and their methods. Even the most well-meaning therapist would be able to suggest things (without meaning to) and there is no point in ending up with false memories.

[Maria S]

My ex said he had barely any memories of childhood, which I now see as a sign of trauma.

I have always dissociated. Not in the sense of forgetting everything. But maybe glossing over it or minimising it. I also suspect a lot more happened than I remember.

When my kid was a newborn, ex did a few weird things against him. And when I carefully inquired with his sister, she send me the creepiest movie portraying child abuse through dance and music. Because it made the ATMOSPHERE of abuse deeply felt...my abuse memories broke open. And I went no contact. I notice this a lot. When the mood of the memory comes back, so does the memory. Often through music or movies or smells or a person radiating a similar energy or someone having a sadistic look or so. Sensory stuff. I have to admit, in such a time, all memories related to this feeling come back. And I'm often overwhelmed. So watch out. But maybe being in a really safe setting and arousing the sensory or emotional atmosphere might help.

They did this with me in exposure therapy for the sexual abuse. They would show a photo, or make gestures, or put me in a certain position, or let people smell cigarette smoke if the perpetrator smokes, etc. This was a specialised trauma centre. This was how they let people enter the memories. My guess is it is a "do not try this at home" thing. I needed a LOT of coaching through the fear.

There's also doubt with me, whether some memories are real versus imagined. Some I am 1000% sure of. But there were also things that were vague. Either because what originally happened was unclear to me (I will speak in my journal as to not derail the thread). Or because the memory is vague and c  as not be a accessed. Or because it is just a feeling of dread around a person or situation.

Anyway.

I would advice against trying to actively arouse
memories at home. And recommend seeking out a trauma informed therapist that may help you with such methods. And discuss whether you are ready.

[Maria S]

I also agree with NK that he the body and brain decides when it is ready to cope with it. People have tried to push me into processing things too soon...and I have tried to push others to speak up about trauma...and that just doesn't work. There's either a wall of or total overwhelm.