Hey

[WabiSabi]

Hey guys,

Behind closed doors my narcissistic mother manipulated, sabotaged, and regularly built me up in order to tear me down. My role was family scapegoat, therapist and carer. Gaslighting, isolation, mild neglect and physical abuse 'not to leave a mark', were the norm. I made sacrifices for my family which shaped the trajectory of my life only to never be acknowledged.

For years I had a chronic fear I might "wake up" and be back there, that the present was just the fever dream of a child. Thankfully, emotional regulation exercises have helped ground me.

I'm probably downplaying the severity of it all, but after a hermit-like existence, I have finally accepted my past as abusive, and I'm seeking therapy/support. Happy to cross paths with this place 

[NarcKiddo]

Hello, and welcome, WabiSabi. Your post resonates hugely.

It's a really big and dysregulating thing when you finally accept you have an abusive past. Especially when the abuse is not the type of thing that would hit the newspapers. If you're anything like me you will have spent a large part of your life believing your upbringing was normal. I am glad you are seeking therapy and support. You have come to the right place here. Healing can't happen until you identify the abuse, so you have made a very important step forward. Now be kind to yourself while you process it.

[WabiSabi]

Thank you so much NarcKiddo

As a child I would always hang up at the last minute when phoning a child abuse hotline. My parents' work indirectly involved vulnerable children, so I knew what horrific child abuse/neglect was. It wasn't a high-risk situation, and even though we once had a visit from social workers, in my area keeping a child with a dysfunctional family was a far better outcome than placing them in a home.

When I threatened to seek help, my parents would retaliate with the listed fall-out. So it wasn't allowed to be abuse for any of us, the price was too high. Although in reality I think the only consequence for us would have been getting some extra support.

In my head its been OK to maybe have CPTSD, but not to be abused. Reading this forum has been a real eye opener, it's great to finally not feel alone in these experiences

[Kizzie]

Behind closed doors my narcissistic mother manipulated, sabotaged, and regularly built me up in order to tear me down. My role was family scapegoat, therapist and carer. Gaslighting, isolation, mild neglect and physical abuse 'not to leave a mark', were the norm.

It took me a while to accept that I had been abused because like you it did not leave any outward marks.  I've learned that it's almost worse because you're never quite sure if it was all that bad because we weren't bruised. We are just so bruised and beaten down on the inside though and if we have CPTSD, then it was that bad. Imagine a young child who does not feel loved, safe, valuable or seen, that was us and I don't know about you but it left a big hole in my heart and soul. How could it not?

I'm glad you found your way here to OOTS because there are so many of us and that is both sad but also a relief to know we are not alone. 

   

[WabiSabi]

Thank you Kizzie, for everything you've said 

Praying my mother would slip up and break a bone to make it feel real. That was damage in itself. It's a relief to finally see things from an adult's perspective

[Papa Coco]

WabiSabi,

Welcome to this community of healing CPTSD survivors. I spent many, many years in that same fear you described, afraid I was going to wake up and be in the abuse of my childhood again. I dreamt about having to return to Catholic school (where the abuse I took was horrific) Healing from long-term trauma in early life is a lifelong adventure in and of itself. As I've slooooowly begun to heal a bit from all that I went through, the nightmares of returning to the abuse seem to have finally stopped. But when you mentioned fearing you would wake up in the abuse again, I felt your words. I resonate. I validate. I respect what you've been dealing with.

I'm glad you found this forum. It's been a powerful healing tool for me. I hope it is one for you as well.

[WabiSabi]

Thank you, Papa Coco It means a lot to know someone else had this problem they overcame. I'm really glad this place is helping you 

[Chart]

Hello WabiSabi, I found your post on Stussy 7's introduction very interesting and in line with how Ive treated my family the past three years. Ive stopped fighting them and gone to passive resistance and taken a higher position, refusing to engage or consent. It has had some moderate success. Ultimately, we have to heal and rebuild. My life is in overhaul and it's still a struggle. But my family is largely behind me now. I no longer concern myself with the past. I look to the present and avoid stress for the future as much as I can. I manage better and better as time goes on, but it's long. Very happy to make your acquaintance, Chart

[Chart]

emotional regulation exercises have helped ground me.

I was curious what exercises you perform...?

[WabiSabi]

Hey Chart    !

Ofc when the damage is done, recovery is another battle    I was advised to use this approach and even though a decade has passed, there are still NM supporters. But with old age the mask is slipping, time will tell 

Not an expert, totally clueless, a mess, but for the exercise it comes from The Crappy Childhood Fairy. It's free from their Healing Childhood PTSD workbook pdf.

I'm slightly reluctant to recommend them, but I found one of the free exercises useful: On a piece of paper morning and night you write down your fears, then your resentments, then your acknowledgment and acceptance of ridding yourself of these fears and resentments. I found scrunching up the paper and throwing it away, later to shred it, really cathartic. I was throwing away all my problems and starting a fresh day, and sleeping got a little easier.

I did a lot of other things during this time too. Meditative tasks, exercise, interrupting negative thoughts/fantasies; stuff that focused on the brain trauma. Maybe one or all of those helped, but I did notice that maybe because I could start my day feeling more present, I slowly became more present too.

[Chart]

Excellent, thank you WabiSabi. Yeah, it's all about metaphors, isn't it? How to get to the neuronal level and either snip or create a new path. Thanks again!

[WabiSabi]

No worries, Chart! (& I didn't say before, but it's really good you're able to focus on the future now Families are tough!  )

Yes, it's helpful. And also looking at things clinically really helps take the shame out of it for me. Shame really slows recovery down.