Yellow rock

[Mathilde]

Does anyone have experience with Yellow Rock?

Grey Rock makes one look cold and callous in the eyes of others. And may not fit your own character and how you want to be. Yellow rock is basically being a very warm, friendly, polite, kind...rock. In response to someone who is strategical and manipulative. Whether because of narcissism or other reasons.

[Kizzie]

Grey rock is something used with narcissists and doesn't actually make you look cold and callous, it's meant to make you boring to the N. By being "boring" you don't give them anything to aim at or to use fear obligation and guilt with. I've never heard of yellow rock but it is not something IMO I personally would ever use with an N because it invites them to engage. That's not something I want but others here may have different opinions.

[Mathilde]

Thanks. I think I didn't say it right.

Yellow rock is still a rock. You do not emotionally engage. You stick to your goals. You respond in a calm and collected way to button pushing or power play. You cut all that stuff short. You do not get defensive. You give them no ammunition to use against you. You do not feed the game.

But you add some niceties. Polite phrases. Like: "Thank you, have fun". "Hi there, how are you?/Good."

It is especially recommended if people are looking over your shoulder - judges, CPS, family. And judging the situation, to know what is wrong. Grey rock is self-protection. But it may look cold to an outsider who sees it used against someone who puts up a very caring and loving front. The niceties give a kinder vibe. And also may de-escalate, because it is less confrontational.

And to me, they also stay closer to what I want to be like. I want to treat people with basic respect and kindness. But not respond with emotion or get dragged into games. 

https://www.carlacorelli.com/narcissistic-abuse-recovery/yellow-rock-method/

[NarcKiddo]

I've only ever come across the term grey rock - but I most certainly use it very politely. Ultimately you have to act with integrity and in a way acceptable to you, while still maintaining the protection you need. So whatever colour of rock suits best seems to be a sensible one to employ - so long as you are consistently a rock if you want to be a rock.

[Mathilde]

Thanks. That is exactly where it goes wrong.

I do not want to be a rock. I hate being a rock. I am the worst rock there is. And I hate it when others behave as rock. It terrifies me. It reminds me of not being able to reach the people I loved as a kid. And adult.

I can be a rock with, say, the narcissist neighbour. He can push puttons all he wants, and insult me at the most painful spots, for all to see if it so be, and I do not care. Im calm as can be.

I just cannot be a rock with family. I love them. I want us whole, and I want kid to grow up better, and I want them to love me and me them, and all of us to love kid. I want that so. That they need only point to a button and I am in pain. They only need to throw a sliver of hope, and I want to run towards them. Which is inconsistent as can be.

I know I keep the problem going with this. So I NEED to be a rock. But I do not know how. I cry when I step on a snail, because I see it hurts. I'm not good at being rock. And I really, truly, totally want to be not-rock with family. I want us to be real with each other. And speak things out. And show feelings. And comfort each other for feelings. And heal the family trauma together. Rock goes against the core of what I want.

But I think for me to be rock, is the only way out. I need it to build a better situation for me and kid. And I also think IF dad can heal, it is through me being rock. Im throwing out all my big feelings in safe places now. And lessened being reactive in dads face. But I need to be consistent. What they do to my kid however hurts so, that I want to throw rocks, not be rock. But I'm trying.

[dollyvee]

Dear Maria,

To me, and this is just my opinion, but it sounds like being a yellow rock is allowing you to blame yourself for the behaviour of your family, and continue the hope/belief that you have done something wrong ie if only I could love them in the right way, they would love me back, or they are damaged and I can save them. However, to me, it looks like you are perhaps abandoning yourself in the process. It took me a long time in therapy, with t constantly repeating that as children, we make ourselves the bad one in order to protect the relationship with our caregiver because that's what we needed to do as children in order to survive because I was used to that dynamic. Stepping out of it, and asking for our needs to be met, felt crazy and over the top (and I still have problems with the concept of healthy selfishness).

I fully understand that you are in a very difficult position with CPS, but setting boundaries with abusers is IMO necessary for you to be a good, functional parent. You're simply stating things you don't want to do and what you need to be a healthy person. If you explained this to CPS and gave reasons why, it would perhaps come across as being reasonable. Like NK said, acting with integrity. I don't know the full extent of the situation of course, but I can imagine that when we start to make concessions in order to have a situation go more in our favour for a desired result, things can get a bit tricky. I'm not blaming or criticising and I have been in this position myself before. Unfortunately, and anyone please correct me if I'm overestepping/got it wrong here, I think that setting boundaries and the awareness/recognition of the pain that comes with it is a step towards healing.

Sending you support,
dolly

[Kizzie]

I do see what you are saying Maria and I have to admit I used some yellow rock with my NM without knowing that it was actually a thing. I was low contact but was still human although I never gave her any info to use FOG or gaslight or triangulate. As soon as she did that I reinforced the line in the sand.

It's difficult to do but it can be done. As the author in the link suggests though you need to be very firm about your boundaries, that I think is the most important thing. If you give N's an inch they will take a mile and I say that from experience. I do wonder if you do use yellow rock with your family you will be sending them messages that they receive as you being open to abuse or taking the blame as Dolly suggests. It might be prudent to use grey rock and then yellow rock just to ensure they fully know how to behave around you. 

[Mathilde3]

Think I feel best being forgiving and kind.

But not trusting them with any private information. Or going along in their stories, if they talk me down. Or being persuaded to refrain from standing up for my child.