me and my sisters

[Dalloway]

I am returning to the topic of unfairness every time I think about me and my sisters and what are our lives like now. I grew up with them, with the same FOO and experienced similar kinds of traumas and difficulties. Now I see them struggling in their lives, being depressed and hopeless most of the time. But they are the best people and sisters I can imagine - they are capable and talented, intelligent and open-minded. The only problem is that they don´t see what I see. The reason I´m writing this topic on this forum is that I know I´m just like them. My T told me today when I was talking about my little sister not seeing herself as I see her, that she thinks the same of me. And I know that the four of us sisters are tied together with this invisible rope made of shame, self-blame and guilt which our M created.

And every time I think about that I feel extremely angry for the unfairness of it. We were born with the same expectations as all the babies, we should have received the healthy amount of care and love and affection, but we haven´t. Our lives were ruined, our chances taken away from us.

I like to celebrate small victories - being able to stay with my feelings, getting out of an EF -, and these small things have to be enough for me because that´s all I am capable of right now. Not because I´m worthless or incapable, but because someone years ago made me believe that I am worthless and incapable. So instead of living a joyful and whole life, I am picking up the small pieces from the ruins of my childhood and try to put them together to create a life worth living.

I know that as an adult, it´s my responsibility now to create a meaningful and happy life for myself and no one can do that for me. I just wanted to highlight how helpless this makes me feel sometimes.

Thanks for reading.

[Blue_Jays]

Hi Dalloway,

Thank you for sharing. I resonate so deeply with your feelings of unfairness. Knowing we could have been so much more if x,y,z didn't happen to us, is so frustrating. I often wonder if I would be more patient, kinder, or more confident- if I was loved the way I was supposed to be. I always feel behind in life, but I also feel glad to know myself the way I do, but that is the me right now, and that changes day-by-day.I have three siblings, and I feel this sentiment towards them as well, some of them have been completely consumed by their pain, and it is hard to watch, as they had so much kindness and curiosity in them as children.

My therapist and I have also talked about building a new life from ruin in the form of a metaphorical house. Using the old rubble to create something new, but adding in "nails of friendship" to the foundation, or curtains of compassion. The house may still have the ruin, but it is slowly becoming something new. Even if there is still a pile of rubble, there is still potential for us to build something new with self-love and all our new experiences, among the mosaic of our suffering. The visual elements seem to help me, especially in being intentional with things.

I hope your journey continues to have small victories, as they are all steps to building your new home.

[Dalloway]

Thank you very much for validating, Blue_Jays, it means a lot. I agree with you, it´s very hard to see and accept that our loved ones are suffering and we can´t really do anything about it. Except from listening, validating and being there for them. I like your house-metaphor very much, it makes perfect sense to me. At the end of the day, we need to work with what we´ve got, even if it´s just ruins.
I hope your journey will also continue to have these kinds of victories. Wishing you well.