Self-esteem issues are ruining my life

[geckoskittlezx7900338]

I don't really know how to put this but how I'd like to be (skinny, fluffy hair, pale skin, unflappable, logical, detached, absent-minded, etc) is at odds with the way I actually am (has outbursts in public, writes on walls, can't regulate their emotions, unable to see the consequences of their actions, impulsive, impatient, aggressive, yet has no friends no social skills, severely autistic, uncool, overly concerned with what others think, extremely aware of surroundings), this results in so much distress.
It's to the point where I don't like leaving the house because strangers comment on the way I act. I get so triggered whenever strangers say something like "calm down" or "wait your turn" because it's even more evidence I am the way I do not want to be.
Similarly I can't stand it when suicide hotline email people etc respond with "thank you for being so open and honest" because it makes me remember how impulsively overly self-revealing I am when I do not want to be.

I can't accept myself the way I am. I am so disgusted by the way I actually am, I call it personality dysphoria (akin to gender dysphoria). I have been feeling beyond miserable over the past few months.

[Dalloway]

Geckoskittlezx7900338, I´m not sure if it helps, but I totally hear you. This is not my case anymore, but a few years ago I was also very disappointed with myself, with the way I am in general. Nothing I did felt right or "cool" to me, the way I spoke or dressed were never acceptable enough. I slowly started to realize that this comes from the abnormally high expectations from my M and from the message she sent to me verbally, saying "you´re not enough and you´ll never be". Of course this is my case, I don´t know your story or background, but I want to say that I hear you and yes, it sucks to be a "social outcast" as a refer to myself and I still feel that sometimes, especially when my anxiety kicks in and I feel like everyone is watching me, judging me and laughing at me.
Sending you hugs if that´s OK. 

[Armee]

Is there anything that helps? 

[geckoskittlezx7900338]

Is there anything that helps? 

at the top of my head:::
starving myself and/or cycling loads and loads and loads
actually reading those philosophy books I spent my money on
looksmaxxing my hair
Wearing adidas
Being stoned

[Armee]