Hello, I’m a Narc Abuse Survivor…?

[Nikki11]

I just started my CPTSD research when I found this group. I have been very frustrated in my search for a good therapist so, true to the diagnosis, I started looking into my own resources and source of healing. Community seems to be the consistent recommendation (much to my dismay) so here I am.
The bare essentials of my trauma is childhood emotional neglect and abandonment issues leading to relationship with a textbook narcissist. Classic trauma love story amiright? (Humor is my coping mechanism, apologies in advance).
I was with my ex for 7 years and was subject to s*xual, mental, emotional and physical abuse. We moved and I was isolated from friends and family. When we divorced the verbal, mental and emotional abuse never stopped and the legal abuse began. We have to coparent and he uses that to continue the abuse. It's been 15 years since the abuse started and I've finally completely broken down. I trust NO ONE and avoid everyone/everything. After my only "friend" abandoned me when my symptoms became too much, and I began to self harm I realized the severity of my mental health. I'm finally acknowledging what I tried to fight so hard to push through and ignore. I need help.
It's hard to feel like I belong because the voice in my head tells me what I have gone through wasn't nearly as bad as what others have been subjected to and others will roll their eyes or call me dramatic. I don't want to be one of "those people" who just can't take accountability for their actions. But my hope is by facing this fear I may find others like me and at least find some validation.
I'm sending so much love to everyone going through these things. I would never wish feeling this way on my worst enemy, and knowing some of the greatest, strongest, beautiful souls suffer from it is heartbreaking.

[Kia1212]

Hopefully, your healing will go smoothly. I was with my narc for over 30 years and for some reason I never recognized the extent of my family of origin's narc abuse. It was like a repressed memory, I could not believe that my family was so viscious, and on purpose. It was extreme gaslighting, emotional, psychological & verbal abuse. My mom just kept telling me they were allowed to talk like that to me. It was insane. At 67 years old, I realized I am spending the last part of my life in peace and harmony. I never shut up for over 40 years defending myself, always considered myself to be tough, etc. But unfortuately Complex ptsd happened and I recognized the extent of it. I am angry that I am not able to enjoy my later years because of this abuse. It has affected me physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Trying my best to get through. Sucks how people can really believe they have a right to make you feel bad about yourself, when they are the ones that are sick. Hope you succeed in your journey~

[Dalloway]

Welcome to the forum, Nikki11. I´m so sorry for all the abuse you had to go through and also for the ongoing issues you have to deal with. I think the very first step to start healing is acknowledging that you may need help because you can´t cope anymore and you already did that, so that´s great. I know it´s not easy, especially when we are at the beginning of the road, but I think you came to the right place for validation and understanding. I wish you the very best on your journey and sending love back to you. 

[Chart]

Welcome to the Forum Nikki11. So sorry to hear your story of abuse. Chilhood trauma is not something light and easy to cope with. Quite the contrary. In my opinion it is the most difficult single thing a human being can confront. The impact of child maltreatment is obvious across the globe. I believe we live in a world where massive numbers of people suffered as children. As a species we seem to have lost the ability to healthily raise our young. We are just at the start of realizing the pandemic of Cptsd. The positive is that it has come to light and we're understanding it better and better. This doesn't diminish the pain and struggle, but it does give Hope. I for one need that more than ever and this Forum is one of the rare places Ive found it... and in abundance. Welcome. Sending hugs and support if that's ok...