Dalloway´s Recovery Journal

[Dalloway]

I have my own journal - many of them actually. I've been journaling every day for more than a year now, so I have plenty of journals full of my emotions and thoughts. This is something new for me. An experiment on sharing my thoughts, reflexions and random trains of thought with people on the forum.

The last few weeks passed in sweet ignorance. I kind of ran away from the reality to the magical world of books and stories from different eras. I enjoyed being part of that, even if just as a guest. I always found solace in books, my sweet and loyal companions through the painful years of childhood and adolescence. I especially like 18- and 19th century novels by my very favourite Brontë sisters and Jane Austen. Their era and world is distant enough to think that I'd be happy there, their stories and happy endings with the good ones winning gave me hope and sometimes illusions of what life and people should be like. So when I felt that everything is becoming overwhelming, I turned to books again.
But this weekend, which was very silent and peaceful - ideal for reflecting on life and death - I started to feel that my stories are not fulfilling my needs anymore. And that I need to return to my life and face my real life challenges.

I knew it's going to be hard. Life is hard. It's a never ending story of fighting your demons, finding new paths and mourning your losses along the way. I thought to myself that I must be a fool to leave my fantasy world behind for this kind of suffering. And I knew that some more suffering may come. But in spite of that I also knew that I need to return. I know that life hurts, but I also know that the things that hurt resurfacing, hurt just as much as living my whole life in denial. So I chose pain from knowledge, not the pain of denial and ignorance.

That doesn't mean I won't read any more books or enjoy the stories of my favourites (I ordered four more books actually 😅), but I don't want to use my passion as a validation for throwing my life away. Escapism can be a sweet poison and I know that very well.

[dollyvee]

Hi Dalloway,

I think that's a really good insight, that books and stories for you are a form of escapism. I have been reflecting lately on having this kind of "fantasy" life in my mind when I was growing up and going through the hard times. I used to read a lot as well back then. I think it's also something that helped me survive, but you're right, it can't be mistaken for reality. I think sometimes too, it's easier to think that other people are living this "fantasy" that I'm not, or if I would just change my personality a little bit, it would be like the books/tv etc, and it's achievable, but I don't think it's like that. That sort of sounds far off, but I guess that's how I dealt with the pain when I didn't have anyone else around that would/could understand.

I hope thee hurts are a bit easier to deal with.

Sending you support,
dolly

[Papa Coco]

Dalloway,

I agree with Dolly about how insightful it is for you to notice that the fantasies are becoming more difficult to get lost in.

I find myself sometimes missing my ability to hide in my fantasy world. Novels, movies, and imaginary worlds within my head kept me going for a long time, and as I learn more about how to handle the stress of life, those fantasies are losing their potency within me. It's a double-edged sword for me as I'm glad I'm getting slowly stronger each year, but I do kind of miss my ability to get lost in a fantasy story as deeply as I once did.

I'm glad you're getting stronger and not needing the fantasy so much, but at the same time I mourn a little with you that the fantasies are fun and comforting, and I kind of miss them at times.

[Dalloway]

Dollyvee, I can relate to your comment about thinking that others are living the fantasy life very much. Sometimes it´s very hard to believe that I´m not the only one who is suffering, when there are happy and perfect people with their perfect lives everywhere. Even though it´s not the full picture, it´s something you can hold on to when real life is unbearable. I think I have to find the balance between enjoying the fantasy and staying present in my life. Thank you for sending support. 

[Dalloway]

Papa Coco, yes, that´s exactly how I feel at this moment. I remember those times when being in my head was the only way to stay relatively sane and safe from the unbearable pain. I´m grateful for the haven that books and I created to myself and I mourn the loss of that perfect paradise. It reminds me of the loss of innocence in a way that children lose their ability to see the world the way they see it in the process of growing up. It´s really hard to let go of something you loved so much, even if it doesn´t serve you anymore.

[SenseOrgan]

It's great to see you here Dalloway!
There's a sweet spot between "what you resist persists" and "what you feed grows". It's messy and it moves. Ultimately, there's no escape from parts of yourself. They will find ways to convey this. If the escape seems very successful and pleasant, it'll feel like something is not right eventually. Mine has the flavor of loneliness, since isolation is my drug of choice. It sure doesn't feel like it, but that pain is an ally in the fight for life. The fight to survive survival. Sure isolation or reading can be part of a good life. It's the dose that makes the poison.

[WabiSabi]

I'm rereading Jane Eyre atm. I wonder how many of us considered great daydreamers by our teachers were infact displaying signs of CPTSD. Hope you can become the heroine of your own story Dalloway

[Desert Flower]

Just to let you know I get it too Dalloway. I'm re-reading Dostoyevski's 'The Idiot' atm, - spoiler alert - the only 'normal' (if there is any) person in the book being 'the Idiot' and everybody suffering btw. Very human.

[Dalloway]

I think everyone has some kind of escapism in their lives, depending on how much they struggle and how bad they want to distance themselves from their suffering. Creating and reading fictional stories is a way to have something that´s missing from your real life, or on the contrary, remove something that bothers you, so you can ignore it. I agree with SenseOrgan, that the dose is the key here and also the ability to return when it´s starting to cost too much.
I´m glad you also like the "classics" Desert Flower and WabiSabi, I personally never had the courage to dive into the big russian novels of the 19th century, but I read Jane Eyre multiple times and it´s a huge favorite.

[Dalloway]

I have this recurring nightmare I see in my dreams and also when I'm awake. It's dying with the feeling that life passed me by and I didn't live. With unfulfilled dreams, regrets and chances not taken. This is one of the most terrible feelings I have and it keeps coming back to me. I heard once someone saying that those who didn't live fully fear death the most. I think there's something to it, at least in my case. Every time I think about it, I come near to a panic attack-like state - my heart beats faster and I feel very weak. The thought of dying without living before causes me unbearable pain.

I know this comes from some wicked place and from my traumatic childhood. It's the need of constant validation that I'm not worthless, that I did something that makes me worthy of love and appreciation. As a child, being seen and heard was a life and death question. Feeling now that I didn't do anything that can be seen or heard or smelled or touched, stays a life or death question because of my traumas and the constant EF I'm living in. You have to earn people's love and care - that's what I was taught. So every single day of not doing the earning, is an opportunity wasted to be loved and cared for. I know that this cruel logic of my childhood casts a shadow over my adult life. A shadow so thick and dark and so much stronger than me that I can't help but stay enslaved to it, only hoping that I leave some legacy here before I die.

[Dalloway]

Every time I try to put my story together to write about my past and everything that led here, I get very confused and then give up this plan. I think that´s because past events and memories are not in logical and chronological order in my head, they don´t create a whole story from the beginning to the end. Those things are not always at the same place and in the same size, they are moving and changing their significance depending on my mental state and the triggers that come and go. I guess it´s "normal" when someone has CPTSD and traumatic memory. No event and memory is a closed file, taking place in the past. Everything is living and moving as if everything happened only yesterday. Nothing is over.

[Dalloway]

It´s very hard, nearly impossible for me to connect to people on any level. This is something that bothers me very much, since I feel lonely and isolated all the time and I feel the absence of human connection as a huge, dark void in my chest. There are many, many things that make it very difficult. My constant fear of rejection, anxiety about people finding out who I really am and than leaving or hurting me, and shame for everything I am - these are the biggest but not the only obstacles.

Today I feel especially close to this part of my life. Something that happened earlier this day - an encounter with a stranger - triggered in me feelings of shame and sorrow and put thoughts in my mind as "keep daydreaming, that´s all you have left" or "you´ll never find happiness in this life, it´s out of reach for you". I broke down under the weight of all the cruel stuff my mind kept telling to me and the possibility that it could be true, broke my heart.

I often think that there´s so much going on in my life that it´s impossible to find someone who can cope with all that and carry that heavy burden with me. It´s extremely hard for me to open up about myself, about my dreams and fears because of the constant fear of being hurt. I was hurt by the person closest to me, my mother. My mind and soul will never forget the betrayal this meant to me. Keeping distance from everyone and not telling anything about myself to anyone is hardwired in my brain and it´s very hard to change any aspect of it.

Maybe there´s hope somewhere under this burden. Maybe I could allow just a little for someone to help me do this heavy lifting to see what else is under that burden. Hope would be enough for me now.

[SenseOrgan]

Thank you for sharing Dalloway. The sentiment is very familiar to me. Even though they can be hard to find, there are people out there who would not hurt you in any way if you shared what you're struggling with. Deep down, everybody want's to connect like that. Certain settings have a much higher likelihood for you to meet kind people. Many people are waiting for others to be vulnerable first. Taking the first step requires courage. It often gives others permission to follow the example. I usually take a long time selecting situations I'd be okay taking a risk in. Exploiting better periods also helps to get some positive experiences of connection and belonging.

Looking back, I've become a lot more open to people in general. I still struggle with the things you talk about, but I can also see I made a lot of progress over the years. It started with giving myself permission to take up the space to talk about myself with a friend. That was normalized over the course of may years, which lowered the bar for other situations, etc.

You truly can not know anything about the future. Those thoughts and fears about it are reflecting how you feel now. It could be an EF. I was in one yesterday. It was really dark and desperate.

Big hug. 

[Dalloway]

Thank you for the words of encouragement, SenseOrgan. I also think that it was a massive EF because it felt so endless and out of context. I´m doing much better now. Interestingly, this negative experience kind of gave me a boost to take better care of myself and listen to what my feelings are trying to say. I think these thoughts and emotions needed attention for a long time now, and maybe this is the right time to finally listen to and deal with them.
I´m sorry to hear about your EF. I hope it´ll get better, just as mine did. Returning the hug  

[Desert Flower]

I'm glad you're feeling better Dalloway. And that it gave you a boost to take better care of yourself.