Dalloway´s Recovery Journal

[SenseOrgan]

Wonderful you're doing much better Dalloway! It's good to see you have constructive thoughts around the challenging episode.

I'm currently somewhere in between. Not full blown EF. Not very good either. Still recovering from another sleep disordered night.  Time to start a bit of a workout. 

[Dalloway]

Nothing scares me as much as feeling better. The past few days were spent in an unusually good mood. Mentally, I felt balanced and at peace. Intrusive thoughts didn´t ruin my whole day, even if they popped up in my mind. So I started to wonder, where did it come from? I can´t identify anything in particular that could lead here. I don´t understand why do I feel better now, just like that. I get anxious when I can´t figure out the answer to something, can´t rationalize the feelings and explain the circumstances. It stresses me out, cause I feel like I´m losing the solid ground.

The other question is: how long will this last? Are we talking about days, weeks or months? I need to know because I want to plan every bigger step and I won´t make big plans if this is only temporary. I´m afraid of failing. And deep down I´m aware that pain didn´t go away. It´s still in me, buried somewhere. I´m not free from suffering and fully healed yet. Maybe that day will never come. Maybe I´ll just learn how to live with the pain.

So this is bothering me now. And sadly, I can´t fully enjoy this calm and hopeful period because my doubts and insecurities are poisoning it. But it´s all part of dealing with CPTSD, I guess. Nothing comes without side effects.

[Dalloway]

Yesterday - in fact, in the last couple days - I made the first step towards an important thing in my life - I decided to go back to school. I have a profession that doesn´t fulfill my need for meaning and I´ve been pondering doing something that really matters to me. I always came back to the only thing I can imagine myself doing for the rest of my life, and it´s helping others, helping people who need it, who cannot take care of themselves. So I want to get a degree in social work.

They say that people who suffered abuse and/or neglect and were hurt often end up being in helping professions, because they´ve been there and know what does it feel like being alone and then getting help and support. I am certainly more sensitive to the suffering I see than maybe most of the people around me.

I´m scared to start this new chapter. I´ve been passive for so long that now I´m afraid of everything it may bring. Change is uncomfortable for me, because it means abandoning my shelter and becoming visible. It´s scary but it´s also exciting because I know that this is what I want to do. And maybe in the past, when I kept hesitating, deciding, then changing my mind and backing out, I really wasn´t ready. I had to give myself time to learn and heal and maybe now those parts that were holding me back, are healed enough to take this step. I hope for the best.

[SenseOrgan]

This is awesome Dalloway! AWSESOME. Such a brave step to take.
It too has come up for me over the years, to somehow make this life's experience of suffering to use for others. It's inspiring you actually are taking steps in this direction. I'm cheering you on 

[Dalloway]

Thank you, SenseOrgan, I´m so grateful for your cheering.  I´m scared and excited at the same time, constantly waiting for something to happen and ruin this. It´s so unbelievable that I was finally able to make this step, that I can´t really believe it yet. 

[WabiSabi]

That's incredible news, Dalloway. Well done! It's amazing you have been able to take the time to figure it all out, and now can be true to your calling 

[Dalloway]

Thank you, WabiSabi, this means a lot.  It´s not easy for me to acknowledge something that I´ve done, but in this space I feel safe enough to write down that I´m proud of myself. 

[WabiSabi]

I´m proud of myself. 

 

[dollyvee]

Congrats Dalloway    Good for you for making a decision about what you want to do.

When I decided that I wanted to do a master's my t at the time said, congrats even if it doesn't work out. If Im remembering correctly, at the time I took that really badly, like what do you mean it won't work out? In the end, I ended up leaving early and it "didn't work out," but it set me on a path making decision for myself when I'd been so wrapped up in what would my FOO think. It was just really, really hard to see that at the time, and didn't sink in for another 13 years. Anyways, I think it was a really important step to do that, even if it didn't "work out," and I think it's great you're doing the same for yourself.

Sending you support,
dolly

[Dalloway]

Thank you, Dolly, yes, I also think that making the decision itself and deciding to do something for myself is a huge milestone and wherever my journey takes me, this will always remain an important (first) step. 

[Dalloway]

The last couple of days I had recurring dreams every night. Those dreams that I know all too well - about people not hearing or seeing me, me screaming and yelling and crying but no one seems to notice or care and about me and my mum arguing and while I´m trying to explain my feelings and my side of the story, she doesn´t listen to me. These dreams are very frustrating and emotionally draining and I often wake up extremely exhausted and crying. Not their presence but the frequency is what surprised me these days. I usually have these dreams once or twice a month maybe, but this time it´s every single night that these dreams come.

So I started to wonder what´s the meaning of it. Not the dreams´ meaning, that I more or less figured out, they´re about my childhood and all the emotional neglect I suffered with the lack of mirroring and responding to my needs. Of course there´s always more space for interpretation, but why now?

First, as usually, I started to blame myself saying that these things are arising because I haven´t been taking care of myself properly, so they needed to warn me. That I neglected myself and all the stuff my inner critic would say. But then I switched the perspective from viewing this as a negative sign and started to wonder, what if it´s not because I don´t take care of myself but cause it´s time to turn to these things. Because now I´m mentally stable enough to face the hidden things that appear only in my dreams yet. Maybe the lessons come when the student is ready? It´s a nice things to believe.

[Dalloway]

I´m feeling very disconnected lately. Every day I wake up with an uncomfortable feeling that I don´t belong anywhere, that everyone else is happy and connected in their lives but me. I´m sad thinking about all the joy I´m missing out on and all the connection I´m seeking but can´t make work. Maybe it´s a long EF, I don´t know. Something had to happen, something triggering that made me feel like this. And all the feelings that have been bothering me for a very long time, now feel more burdening and more painful. The EF multiplied the suffering. Like the tormenting thoughts about my loved ones suffering and being hurt in the past and my inability to change that or hep them in any way.

Yesterday I was sitting on the balcony and watching my surroundings, the trees and houses and listening to the wind blowing. I felt connected to the stillness of it, but at the same time, I was sad to be alone with my experience. I thought that it´s beautiful but that I can only find solace in things that I experience when I´m alone and that I can´t share this with anyone.

This is my cross that I´m carrying along the road alone. The unchangeable nature of suffering and pain.

[Desert Flower]

Hi Dalloway, I'm really feeling bad for you feeling the way you do. Maybe that's sharing the suffering. It is a big burden we're carrying. But maybe you're sharing it here so you don't have to carry it alone. And we may forgive ourselves for the things we did 'wrong' or didn't do because we were unable/unaware at the time. 

[Dalloway]

Thank you, Desert Flower, your empathy means a lot. I feel better today, and I very much agree with you. When I was reading your comment I remembered what I felt writing my post yesterday. I started typing thinking "I want to share this, I want them to know how I feel because I matter to them and they matter to me". It was a shared humanity-kind of feeling and it gave me strength, not only yesterday, but every time I feel bad. It helps to know that I´m not alone in this, that there are people out there writing and reading and commenting and sharing at this moment, too. It really helps. This place has a huge healing power. 

[Desert Flower]

Yes, it really helps. I feel that too.