Distorted Sense of Time

[WabiSabi]

I was wondering if anyone else has this issue? Whether or not this is "normal"? 

I understand past, present, future, but in the every day I've noticed I struggle to look  to tomorrow. Not in that I don't prepare, or a 'live for today' attitude. Just that in terms of emotions, I just can't seem to see the bigger picture.

I can't seem to understand this moment will pass, or it's unimportant in the scale of things. I feel I act hastily based on my feelings, which I don't understand will pass.

If this is a normal part of CPTSD is there a way of grounding this outlook? I can't seem to see the forest for the trees.

[NarcKiddo]

I don't know if this is the same, but you saying you act hastily based on your feelings struck a chord with me. Logically I understand feelings will pass and I am getting better at acknowledging them and sitting with them. But this is slow progress for me and some things that trigger childhood emotions, especially, are so uncomfortable for me that I simply have to act in an attempt to get rid of them. Even if I realise, logically, that my action may not get rid of them. The attempt must be made.

For instance I recently did someone a favour that blew up in my face and she sent me a really unfair and angry email. It was like an explosion from my mother and I simply HAD to respond to her email within half an hour of receiving it in an effort to calm her ruffled feathers. It was a fawn reaction from me and one which I could not sit with. Luckily adult NK was involved enough that I did not totally roll over and I managed to keep some integrity against the attack. But it was simply impossible for me to wait any longer before sending my reply.

I have found that recognising my knee jerk response is happening can sometimes help keep adult NK in the room. And sometimes adult NK thinks that scratching the itch, as it were, is the least worst option. As in the case of my response to that email. My therapist has always said if I feel my emotions boil up that is generally a sign I am triggered and if I can possibly just notice it is happening I have a better chance of remaining in some sort of control.

[WabiSabi]

NK I think you hit the nail on the head. It's like you get so overwhelmed with what you're feeling, there's this clear course of action (or inaction) in front of you. You just have to act! Even if taking action means just deciding to be miserable, and doing nothing 

I'm sorry to hear about your recent experience with the favour. As they say, 'no good deed goes unpunished'.

I've been thinking there's like an urge to 'confess' with this problem. Almost no one knows I have CPTSD, but when I'm in a bad way I get so close to having to explain myself to others. Writing letters I never send helps, but on reflection it feels sort of silly and short sighted.

[Chart]

WabiSabi, yes, I think this is "normal". But that being said I don't think anything is "normal" about Cptsd :-)

When a baby is born there's no sense of time/future/past. There's only present. Hunger is perceived in the brain of an infant and the signal is sent and perceive and reacted to by crying in order to have a survival need met.

Now imagine an infant who has to cry for hours or days before the need is met. Imagine this situation goes on for years. Yes, clearly this traumatic situation will lead to a brain that develops all sorts of inaccurate perceptions to the state of reality. Not only will associations between need and expressing themselves get warped and twisted, the very concept of perception and temporal duration becomes inaccurate. Perhaps the baby will intentionally misinterpret "time" to give itself the illusion that this is less important than it really is, so as to try to feel safer. Regardless of what actually happens, the point is that trauma will alter perceptions of time (or anything) and subsequently the idea that we have to react as quickly as possible, or... not react at all can easily slip into place. For me, this is trauma.

Your strange feeling that something isn't quite right is almost certainly accurate. I sometimes play a game with myself. I ask myself, What would an un-traumatized person probably do in this situation?

Today I expressed (very justifiably) anger at my daughter. I verbally raised my voiced and made it clear I was not happy with the situation she had created and her continuing irresponsible behavior. Often in the past I would have continued (time-wise) to rant and rave angrily. In the past I wasn't aware of the amount of time that is appropriate to express my discontent. Today I felt that desire to continue berating my daughter. But just like Narco's story, there was another part of me that had the wherewithal to raise its little voice and so I decided to stop and see what happened... give it time... And bingo! Yes, I did the right thing. My message was 100% understood. More would have been an expression of my confusion regarding appropriate time limits relative to the situation... The situation would have become about my anger and NOT about establishing healthy limits with another human.

By being aware of these things, and if possible and appropriate,  expressing and sharing, the situation becomes less fuzzy and we get better, we "heal".

[WabiSabi]

Thanks Chart for your insight. I agree with everything, and can relate to not knowing when to stop when trying to express discontent. It does end up being more about venting that setting boundaries, or communicating in a healthy way.

Yes CPTSD is not normal, but I can't help but envy people who have experienced traumas and can seemingly get on with things. I think maybe part of it is to do with shame. If you can't just own your experiences, it's hard to accept them and fully move on from them.

Maybe I have to just be more disciplined in not 'entertaining' the inner child that wants reassurance, and want it now.

[NarcKiddo]

Maybe I have to just be more disciplined in not 'entertaining' the inner child that wants reassurance, and want it now.

That sentence really stands out for me. In fact it somewhat triggers me - please do not apologise. Of course you did not mean to.

Our experiences all differ but I would invite you nevertheless to have a think about that sentence and consider fully whether it is a helpful approach for you. It may be. I don't know. The reason it triggers me is because it completely evokes my mother's attitude, if you were to substitute the word "reassurance" with the word "attention".

I am realising now, through therapy, that I actually went around for years doing exactly that. The inner child realised she simply did not exist for adult NK so she just dissociated herself away as best she could, as she did in my actual childhood, when nothing mattered except mother.

For me, that approach has not worked. The distress of child NK was still there, boiling away. Occasionally it would vent out because it had to and I would find myself turning into my mother as I spewed all these forbidden emotions out. The shame multiplied and I hated myself more.

I find myself much more regulated when I acknowledge the needs of child NK before they grow so overwhelming that she takes total control. Usually she will be content with being acknowledged even if I cannot (or do not want to) do what she wants. I might need to do a bit of inner bargaining, like one might with an actual child. Of course the deals are different. I am not telling myself I can't have a sweet because I have just cleaned my teeth in advance of a dental visit but can have some cake later. I am telling child NK I see her and hear her, that I appreciate her input but that she needs to trust adult NK to keep us both safe. At the beginning it was really hard because child NK did not trust me and I did not trust myself. But as I started operating more frequently as adult NK and proving that I could actually keep us safe it became easier.

None of my experiences may apply to your situation, or even be particularly helpful. I wanted to write this because I think it is possible, and perhaps desirable, to give the inner child reassurance now but without allowing them to get in total control of the situation. Sometimes the quicker you can provide that reassurance the better, before they have time to work up a full-blown emotional storm.

CPTSD is really hard to navigate, but it's so good to be able to discuss our experiences with others who can relate.

[WabiSabi]

NK I think sharing experiences does help others. Even if ours are mostly childhood related, I think the issue raised in this post could be experienced due to different reasons too.

For me it helps to take this approach because I had parents who only attended to my needs if I had a full on tantrum. I'm an adult, I'm safe, my needs are met, I have support; this is all just phantom feeling. There comes a point in life when it's natural to question the usefulness of old methods/tools, which is where I am.

It makes perfect sense with your life experiences that you need to take a gentler approach. Hope you feel better soon