To Mathilde!

[Blueberry]

Mathilde, if you are checking the forum, please come back, if you want to! Your final post makes it sound as if you still might need us. We are here for you, no matter what's going on

[Mathilde2]

Thanks. I got scared for a moment. That I was doing wrong by talking here. Thanks for reaching out.

[Blueberry]

Welcome back!  You were certainly not doing anything wrong

[Armee]

 

Sorry I've missed your journal and are not keeping up with the forum very well lately. But it's really common for the first year or two to constantly think you've done something wrong and need to leave. That's just the dumb trauma talking. One more lovely symptom

[Mathilde2]

Thanks!

I just still feel it is really bad to talk about the bad side of my family. It's so confusing. I was on the one hand spoiled rotten. On the other hand harshly rejected if I ever showed an emotion or opinion other than "family is perfect". This makes it really difficult. There was a bunch of real good stuff. Play and care and sweet words and cuddles. So it feels real bad to complain over the bad stuff.

And I see how badly I responded to all of it. I feel it is my fault. Today I spoke with a family therapist and mentioned some of the problems in my family. I feel horribly guilty now.

[Mathilde2]

I will say goodbye again.

I feel I am the bad guy in the story. They too did wrong. But I feel it isn't right to talk badly about them.

[Armee]

 

You're not doing anything wrong. That's trauma talking.

[Blueberry]

  

And just because possibly nobody responded to your posts yesterday doesn't mean they weren't seen or read or that somehow they were 'bad' or 'wrong'. I read at least one, but I didn't have the wherewithal to respond because there's a lot going on in me atm too and that is guaranteed to be the case for others on the forum too.

[Mathilde3]

Thanks.

I wasn't angry or sad nobody answered, don't worry about that. I was scared because I spoke badly about family. I think my faith doesn't allow slander. And it draws me into negativity about them. When I should forgive. I truly was wrong. I was the bad guy. They responded to my panic and anger and bad deeds.