Hello!

[BlueMoon_]

Hi, I think I probably have faced emotional neglect from my caregivers growing up (though I can't say for sure since my memory of growing up might be kind of bad) and experience symptoms of CPTSD (undiagnosed and unsure as well).

I'm afraid it has kind of made me a bad person in some ways. I have a hard time accepting other people's flaws, since I can see things  in black and white, I hold grudges, I can rely on others for validation, which is probably annoying, I sometimes think I am better than others, I don't know how to have arguments with friends and I think if someone argues with me it means they are my enemy, etc.

I don't know how to have good friendships and the guide to that. But sometimes I am stubborn and defend my issues because I think I am thinking the right way.

[dollyvee]

Hi Blue Moon,

Welcome to the forum  I hope you find what you need here.

Sending you support,
dolly

[Kizzie]

Hi Blue Moon and a warm welcome to Out of the Storm 

One thing you can maybe have a read about (use search here of Google) is the Outer Critic. When we are critical of others it can be a way of avoiding being critical of ourselves and/or facing  the pain of being abandoned, rejected or abused in other ways. This might be a place to start to figure out why you have difficulty with relationships.   

[NarcKiddo]

Welcome to OOTS. Well done for being brave enough to admit to your worries about your own personal shortcomings. We all have faults and the things you have spoken of are things that will likely resonate for many of us here. It takes time and self-reflection to work out what you need to and are able to change, but that should come from a place of kindness to yourself. The behaviours you do not like often turn out to be coping mechanisms that were once very necessary but maybe are now not so appropriate and can even be holding you back.

[Dalloway]

Welcome to the forum, BlueMoon! I think it´s one of the hardest and bravest things when someone can reflect on their behavior and challenges in their life. It´s a great place to start from and I hope that you´ll find this place supportive and validating enough to help you continue in this journey. 

[Blueberry]

Welcome BlueMoon!

I second NarcKiddo and Dalloway.

Also, having flaws - as all people do - and aspects of yourself that you don't like doesn't make you a bad person. Maybe a person with bad habits or a person who has made some bad decisions? It's pretty common with cptsd to think that you yourself are bad.