TW; Online CSA makes it really hard to feel valid

[droopsnoot]

I honestly can't believe how long it took for me to come to terms with the fact that just because the CSA I endured was online doesn't mean it wasn't equally as traumatizing.

For context, between the ages of 9-17, I encountered an unmeasurable amount of abuse that thankfully stayed online. From grooming, being manipulated into producing CP, blackmail, doxxing, and in later years being thrust into a SH habit that my countless abusers fetishized. I spoke to hundreds of men and sent hundreds of photos throughout the years. It didn't matter how many PSA's I watched or how many assemblies my schools held. It was so quick that I became addicted to the attention. I was so desperate for that praise that I wasn't getting anywhere else. But it still always felt like my fault because I didn't just turn off my devices.

I used to dream about getting SA'd in person just so I could justify the shame and anguish I was feeling. But enough has time has passed for me to finally recognize how much of a toll that had on my growth and development. The death threats and the google maps screen grabs of my childhood home were all my brain needed to malfunction.

I have been rapidly unlocking memories that I have blocked out lately. It's so upsetting to think about but, at the same time, so incredibly relieving. Being able to make the connections between my past and the daily struggles I have today makes it feel possible to actually get better. So many years in therapy, and I never understood why I wasn't getting better. I wonder how far along I'd be by now if I hadn't lied so much in the past. If I hadn't been so convinced that it was just a mood or personality disorder. It very well might have just been C-PTSD this whole time.

Don't get me wrong, I still have a lot of work to do and I still really struggle feeling like what happened to me was bad enough to warrant my issues. But I DO feel like I'm getting better, and I am so thankful for that.

I'd love to hear from anybody that went through any kind of similar trauma! Thank you!

[Armee]

I'm so sorry. From someone who was SAed in person physically, what you went through sounds so horrible and destructive and I am so very sorry for what you went through. The thing is...mine had a start and an end. Yours went on and kept a constant state of trauma and distress and there are so many pieces of it that were so so difficult. I'm so sorry. 

[Kizzie]

I wasn't secually aused online or in person but I did want to say that you seem to have a healthy understanding of what happened and how and that alone is a huge step in recovery so kudos! I also wanted to say that online CSA is definitely a situation in which children/adults can develop Complex PTSD, especially if it is ongoing. Hopefully by being here you will come to understand and accept that it was really that bad enough to warrant your symptoms.