Mathilde’s diary

[Mathilde2]

Hi,

I wanted a new diary.

My son is here today. I notice I'm a lot more relaxed when he is. We walked to town, had lunch together and he made his homework. We joked and talked.

At the same time it makes me sad. He's doing fine here. I want him to live with me, and it angers me that dad stole my child. And CPS helped him. With nobody even looking what it is like here, just drawing conclusions based on dads gossip. They never looked how I cared for him in practice even once, or spoke to my network even once. Just dad and his network. Penning down their gossip as fact. With zero fact check.

[Mathilde2]

There's been a bunch of small annoyances with my dad. I hate the endless little bullying and alienating behaviours.

- Kid wasn't with me a few days when he should be here. So he decided to visit a moment extra. To come eat together on saturday
  evening. Dad was all pissed off. And kid didn't dare to come anymore.
- My work had an open day. Kid wanted to come visit. He liked that. Was happy about it. He said he wanted to come. Dad was all pissed
  off. And said: this will not happen. Or otherwise the extra hour with me, was supposed to be traded for an extra hour with dad. Kid
  is always late here. So I proposed we'd see that as the trade. Dad was angry. He couldn't even let my kid be happy about an extra
  hour with mum, that he wanted himself. What kind of a dad are you, if you are angry when your kid likes to be with his mum?
- Kid and I were a quarter too late with dinner. I called dad to be a quarter of an hour later picking him up. Kid is oftentimes many
  hours later, on the days he is supposed to be here. But dad was angry about the quarter of an hour. And said it was to-ta-lly
  different than the other way around.

It's tiny things. But it's always a billion of these things. It can never be smooth and cooperational. He can never be happy about kid bonding with me. He wrecks everything, and he is blind to it, so he feels he is the best dad and granddad ever. And everyone sees him as the rescuer. When he is nasty all the time. Just in a hidden way.

Today I was happy and calm though. I decided to forgive dad and distance emotionally. I'm going to be friendly. I do not want him to wreck my peace of mind and my character even a day longer. But I'm not going to trust him. That would be dumb. He is a manipulator. I will focus on my own life for myself and kid. The family stuff is not hurting today. Or barely. I have peace of mind today.

Kid will be here any moment. I will have the "what happened in the family"-talk part I.

[Mathilde2]

Something weird happened today. My body and mind is suddenly relaxed and peaceful. As if all the problems fell away. I have no clue what happened. I can look at the bad things that happen and talk about them. But with distance.

I do hope kid is okay. I had to assignment by CPS to talk about the problems with him. He is highly avoidant. Refuses to talk. Looks away. Turns away to close his eyes and sleep on the couch. Vaguely answers that he doesn't want to talk about it. It might also be that he is tired. He came back from a school trip a few days ago. But I also feel he just takes the same strategy as my family: head in sand.

[Mathilde2]

I hate myself. I had a conversation with the family therapist, the first. I was very honest. I did it wrong.

[Mathilde2]

I feel bad. Every time I decide to distance from dad or I speak up, something goes wrong. My leg hurts, I feel the dvt is back. It feels like a punishment for speaking up. Or a consequence at least: brief anger causes heightened thrombosis risk.

[Mathilde2]

I feel sad. I feel I'm as narcissistic as my family, or more so. Sure, they don't selfreflect or empathise. But I was difficult to be with, with all my trauma responses. If I had responded better, they would have not been so mean. We both pointed fingers at each other. I started to seek help and change, when they did not. But we both should have worked on ourselves, rather than blamed the other. And I should have protected my child. There was a short time when I felt strong, and my child was still with me. And I let them draw and threaten me back in. God tried to guide me out, and I was too broken. I see my child hurt. And I cannot bear it.

[Mathilde2]

The talk yesterday, followed by a possible small thrombosis (stress => dvt) aroused a big emotional flashback. I felt full of shame and hopelessness. And terror about my child.

Today I'm back on my feet again. In my adult me. I talked with my doctor. She is kind. We see there are many positive things too. Next to issues. They were amazed I'm extremely stressresilient at work. I easily manage a group of six teens with severe autism/Down/mental disability on my own, when several kids are making a mess. As opposed to in my family, where I crumble from one sneaky gossip.

We also talked how my family never saw my true character, and always praised me for superficial things, like intellect. I asked mum once: what good traits do you see in me? My friends said things like "openness, emotional sensitivity, creativity". Mum panicked and said: ehh, I do not know, maybe analytical skills? I was also praised in sneering ways: you lost weight, at least you aren't so blown up anymore now. I don't think they ever saw my true character or intentions even once.  I also have a role in that. Their abuse caused me to shut down my true character and have trauma responses to them. But I'm trying to dig up the real me again.

The docs were kind. I realised there's a lot of issues. But I also came a long way. I can trust people again, or know when not to trust, I can know and show what I truly feel and want, I can empathise, I can see my and others good and bad sides, I can deal with criticism and aggression. Just not in my family. :-/.

It is time I stay more and more in this adult me. And start to use this to carry my child better. And help him heal. And have positive moments with him. Rather than pick at my wounds or be knocked over by family.

I hate how I'm switching between my adult part and my wounded child parts. But I hope we (me and kid, not me and my scared parts) can heal.

I thought about the story of Lot and his wife in the bible. They flee the sinful Sodom and Gomorrah. Before it is destroyed. Lots wife looks back (to her past!) and is changed into a pillar of salt. Lot and his daughters walk ahead, to their future. I think this is supposed to be taken symbolically, to learn. A friend once said: don't look back, you are not going that way. It is not that simple. But I think I need to move forwards. I owe it to my kid.

I'm at peace again today.

My doc is helping me find EMDR treatment to curb the flashbacks, and help me be more organised, and work on forgiveness. She said: you can forgive AND be angry when he hurts you or kid again. Anger is allowed when someone is abusive.

[Mathilde2]

I had a good day.

Until I had a conversation with CPS and reality kicked back in. I hate myself. I thoroughly hate myself. And I hate how my family manipulated everyone, and nobody sees what they do. They seem like the big hero rescuers. Nobody sees their hidden sabotage. And I hate how I responded to that, so that I made all their nasty accusations come true. Or seem true.

I am fearful. I disobeyed God. Now I'm living with the consequences, and so is my kid. I want a do-over in life. I messed up everything.

I can function well with my friends and work and neighbours all I want. And did a shitload of trauma work. But I messed up where it truly matters. In faith. In motherhood. In family. :-/

My unforgiveness towards family AND my lack of following Gods lead in my dealing with family (shut your mouth and trust God) wrecked my life.

If I had been still, life would have been bliss.

And I wanted a better life for kid. I fought from his birth to correct my stupidity to let him meet his unsafe father. And failed.

[Mathilde2]

I feel I have become a narcissist too. And I hate it.

I do feel empathy. So much so that I'm inconsolable a lot of the time. About the pain in my kid, my family, the world. I can feel sad for days about the kids in the Congo mines and not want to buy a new phone because of it. Or my heart is torn when I see my kid struggle with my problems and the family problems.

But I cannot actually act on it, which is what counts. Because I despair. My dad seems to be really lacking in the empathy department. He often responds coldly. But he offers my kid more stability than I do. Because he blocks out all the painful stuff. And all the guilt and shame. He easily hurts us, with zero regret.

I also have urges to hurt my family back, which I hate. I control them now. I no longer lash out. But they put that anger in me with their sadism. And now their dark stuff is in my mind, and I do not want it. It was theirs, I want them to take it back. I want to get rid of it, and I don't know how. That is not how I was. At all. I was gentle and had very little anger of resentment. It feels like they gave me an infection that I did not want.

I want to purge even more of it out of me. But I feel I'm always behind the facts. Because I messed up with my kid.

[Mathilde2]

Positively: I planned a bbq for kid and me, we will see my healthy ex and his daughter this weekend, someone will help me better my garden for free (kind people exist!), I invited my dad for a Christian meeting about hope but at the same time shield all my vulnerable stuff from him, I refrained from lashing out in flashbacks, I found beautiful music that helped others.

[Mathilde S]

I feel horrible. I had the creepiest nightmare. I have no idea what I did wrong, but it was absolutely terrifying.

Also, I feel major guilt. I try to live well despite my guilt. Last days, I cleaned my house and garden. Making it better for my kid. I worked. I tried to be kind to kid and dad, even invited dad for dinner.

But I feel it is fake. Now I'm masking too. Because I don't want to make others sad as well.

I want to be a better person.