Needing to Reassure My Inner Child

[GettingThere]

Hi all    I was extremely sick last weekend when I needed to prepare for a big upcoming exam. I ended up getting the medicine and rest I needed to heal, but I'm very behind in my exam preparation. I still have enough time to do decently well on the exam, but my inner child is terrified. She's convinced that it's her fault for getting sick and that she's going to be screamed at/spanked/punished for falling behind with homework.

I've been reassuring her for days that she's not in trouble, that I'll protect her, and that no one will hurt her, but she's still afraid. I've tried focusing her attention on all her wonderful qualities and all the things that make her feel safe. For some reason, nothing seems to work. She's convinced that someone (not me) is going to spank her and yell at her. She has an intense phobia of spanking as being harmed this way was such a huge and long-term part of her life; it's baked into her understanding of how the world works. No matter what I do to comfort and reassure her, the fear sticks.

Any advice would be much appreciated. 

[Blueberry]

I don't have advice but I do have a lot of compassion because my inner children used to be absolutely terrified of that punishment too - I often dissociated in various situations as a young adult and didn't even know why. My Inner Children are still frightened, but no longer terrified.

It sounds as if you've been handling the situation really well in the ways you've been showing your Inner Child care, explaining, comforting and reassuring. Your wording with "it's baked into her" is very apt and unfortunately shows how deeply, deeply we remain affected by what traumatised us as children. I still have a visceral reaction, even when just mentioning the topic. Don't worry, I can choose whether to respond to a post like yours, or not, and possibly I haven't responded earlier as self-protection or maybe I didn't see your post, I can't remember. Point is: don't feel guilty, please. None of it is your fault.

The only other thing I can say is: it does get better. It takes time, most unfortunately, but you can get less reactive, I have for instance.

I wonder how you are doing now? Are you well again physically at least? Have you taken the exam already? I hope you and your Inner Child are feeling a bit or a lot better emotionally too. 

[GettingThere]

Thanks so much for your reply Blueberry, and I'm so sorry to hear that you were harmed by that form of punishment as well. Yes, I healed from being sick, took the exam yesterday, and it went very well. I was eventually able to calm my Inner Child down by finding a fan fiction story about two mothers who adopted a little girl who had been badly hurt. In the story, they promise her that they will never physically punish her and she eventually feels safe enough to believe them.

I also used another strategy that I had been wanting to try for a long time and it worked very well. I wrote out a list of "House Rules," laminated them, and put them on my fridge. One of the rules is that there are no punishments in our house, and another one is that everyone's bodily needs (food, water, sleep, medicine, etc.) need to be met right away, no exceptions. My IC and I read the house rules together a few times, read a few chapters of the fan fiction, and got in some good cuddle time with her favourite stuffed animal and then she wasn't so afraid anymore.

I'm so sorry you were harmed as a child Blueberry and I really relate to not being able to read about or hear about that form of punishment. For about 25 years, I wasn't able to see the word, hear the word, or say the word without having a full blown panic attack. But as you say, things get easier with time and now I'm able to read, hear, and say the word out loud without feeling afraid. For me, it's become sort of like saying the word Voldemort. If you can say the monster's name, it loses its power.

Thanks again for checking in Blueberry and I wish you the best on your healing journey.