Talking with my son

[Mathilde2]

CPS ordered me to talk to kid about what is wrong. Because he doesn't understand.

Kid is 14. He is gifted and sensitive. But seems to have emotionally shut down quite a bit, and is alienated from me and mine.

I think kid secretly understands or tries to understand more than you'd think. E.g. he said he googled "narcissistic father". Without me having ever used that word to him. But I think he cannot wrap his head around the complete story (that took me 40+ years, and I'm still struggling,  so I can't blame him).

How can I approach this? What to tell, how to speak, how to make sure he is not overwhelmed and can process it? How to emotionally support him? Is this too young?

What I am thinking now, is to tell in big lines, not detail, the history starting with my dads bad childhood. But cut it in pieces. To tell him bit by bit. Chronologically. Then do something together to shake of the feelings, like football or walking to town to have an ice cream or do something creative. And I thought about asking a creative therapist I know to speak with him after, to process that part a bit. Before I come with the next part.

Kid is extremely internalising. So he will tend to process it on his own. And not seek support. I think it is important to give him time to process one bit of information, before the next. I'm frightened he will collapse under the weight of the story. And shut down further.

I'm also worried he will tell dad, and dad will use it against us. So I'm not sure this is right. Before the decision is made over living. 

I really don't know what to do. And if it is good to ignore it or talk with him in-depth or something in between. My personal feeling is to give the big structure to understand what is happening, but not the detailed story. E.g. explain intergenerational trauma. That parents sometimes are raised badly, and do the same things with their children, and grandchildren, because they don't understand it is not good. But not tell a billion details of what happened to granddad and me.

And I think offering hope is important. That God is there to comfort him. That the cycle can be broken. That because he is young, he can now learn to do things differently, so that he and his future children will not have the same problem. That we both love him, even if in a flawed way. That people who want to, can work on healing and truly connecting again. That this is a choice. Etc.

And that this is never, never his fault. That I am sorry for the mistakes I made, and that I wasn't always capable of protecting him against other peoples mistakes. And he can tell me if he is angry or fearful or sad. This I missed. As a kid. And I think it is important.

What do you think? I am obligated to talk to kid. By cps. But I'm not sure how to approach it. 

[Mathilde2]

I just really don't know. CPS demanded it, and keeps coming back to it. But I don't know what is good for kid.

[Kizzie]

Mathilde it sounds to me like you do have a good idea of what to say/not say.

My personal feeling is to give the big structure to understand what is happening, but not the detailed story. E.g. explain intergenerational trauma. That parents sometimes are raised badly, and do the same things with their children, and grandchildren, because they don't understand it is not good. But not tell a billion details of what happened to granddad and me.

And I think offering hope is important. That God is there to comfort him. That the cycle can be broken. That because he is young, he can now learn to do things differently, so that he and his future children will not have the same problem. That we both love him, even if in a flawed way. That people who want to, can work on healing and truly connecting again. That this is a choice. Etc.

And that this is never, never his fault. That I am sorry for the mistakes I made, and that I wasn't always capable of protecting him against other peoples mistakes. And he can tell me if he is angry or fearful or sad. This I missed. As a kid. And I think it is important.

I also wanted to mention that there is an article "Talking to Kids about Personality Disorders" (and other tools) at Out of the FOG here that may be useful - https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/5/talking-to-kids. They delineate by age group which may be helpful.   

[Mathilde2]

Ah! Great! Thank you for that article, I will carefully read it.

I indeed do have a feeling. I just don't know if it is right. What do you think?

[Kizzie]

I don't know your son Mathilde or the situation so I can't say, but I know what I would have wanted when I was his age and that was to be heard about how I felt as you have suggested you would do with him. 

[Mathilde2]

Thanks.

I think this would have been what I wanted: I would have wanted people to acknowledge my feelings. Both by asking and actually listening and validating. And by helping me give words to what I felt and experienced, when I didn't know.

I also would have wanted that someone acknowledged that things were not okay. That mistakes were made. That my own feelings about that were normal. That I was not crazy to feel scared or sad or angry.

I would have loved things like: "I just screamed at you for an hour. I am sorry. That was not your fault, even if I told you. I was so upset about difficult things in my life, that I couldn't react calmly. I will try my best to prevent that. Sorry."

"I am sorry I beat you. That was not okay and not your fault. I felt upset, and did not control myself. That should not have happened. How do you feel?"

Or explained a lot was wrong in the family.

That would have undone much of the damage. The twists and turns were worse for me than the incidents themselves. "That did not just happen, you are crazy" makes it all a lot more confusing. People have problems and make mistakes. It helps when they are acknowledged.

I wanted to speak with kid today. He avoided. And said no. Which I respected. I then asked if there was another time he wanted to talk, or not at all. He said another time, and in headlines, not details.

[Mathilde2]

I am actually a bit proud today. That does not often happen. Writing the above makes me realise that I taught myself a load of social and emotional skills that my family did not have. And that I may be the most obviously broken in the family. But also the only one who acknowledges she has a problem (next, ironically, to my incestuous uncle, who was the only one brave enough for admitting his mistake and making room to talk).

Which makes it possible to do differently with kid.

[Mathilde2]

I decided to keep it real short. Just painting the big picture with very large strokes. I know I could not process things, as a kid and adult. Because I had no clue how to understand what was happening to me, had no overarching theory, no words. I want to give him a quick outline to grasp his experiences. To curb the confusion. And ask him for his feelings.

Besides that, I want to wait.

I want to carefully separate his and my need. Next to offering him help, I also want him to know what happened because I want him to not be drawn into the "family perfect, mother bad" frame. To stop the idealisation/parental alienation. But that is MY need.

I feel kid is struggling at the moment and dissociating from what is happening, acting out at school a bit...which is a sign of overwhelm.

Instinctively I feel (also from his response of shutting me out when I tried to talk) that he is not able to cope with the tough things. Not now.

A therapist is now involved, and I think I want to keep it short first. Then ask their help in speaking better. Or maybe just connect better first...by making the house welcoming, sporting together, etc.

Solomons judgement came to mind. It describes two women. Both claim to be the mother of the child. Solomon says: tear the kid apart, each mother will get half. The real mother according to the bible is described as: "her bowels yearned for her child" but she says: let the other woman have the child then. The fake mother says: fine, tear it apart.

I decided to do the same with dad. He simply cannot face the truth. That sucks, because he is an adult and shoved all the * on me, so that I collapsed. But my experience is sometimes you need to bring the truth bit by bit. To not overwhelm all his defenses. He wants to be left alone and not face what he did, to have a peaceful old day. Fine. Then I will distance myself, because I do not see him as a good father or grandfather.

[Kizzie]

It sounds like you are on a good track Mathilde, glad to hear a T is involved