geordie snufkin's journals (to be continued)

[geckoskittlezx7900338]

I'm so ashamed to be so emotional. To not only suffer so much but to express it in such a hideous way and be so bad at distracting myself from it and dealing with it effectively.

When reddit says "the world is not ending that much people are just too brainwashed by Internet AI!!!" maybe that is just an overestimation, but not the case in the UK at least it really is one big giant Ghost town

I need to look into
-managing emotional dysregulation (OOTS, r/CPTSD)
-finding a new house

It's supposed to be "embarrassing" to study psychology/philosophy because it clearly goes to show how ignorant you are, unlike the people that actually know about the ins and outs of reality.

[geckoskittlezx7900338]

fear of abandoment/rejection, great difficulty regulating emotions, impulsive behaviour, trauma dumps = BAD BAD BAD (not part of my identity)
derealisation/depersonalisation, emotional numbness = GOOD GOOD GOOD

[geckoskittlezx7900338]

what if Im not an enneagram 9 or 4 like i thought i was but instead a mistyped 2 in denial this entire time? most of my decisions are out of a desire to be LIKED??? * i hope not.
SO MUCH GENDER DYSPHORIA
SO MUCH MISALINGMENT

Im trying hard to find a new gaming console that im fine with, contemplating getting a nintendo ds a blue one because them things are so nostalgic but then i remember most of the games are *. And for kids.
the SNES (the console i want) is all the way in a town i dont even like at all.
Anyway the older i get the more i realise how cringe retro gaming is, again its more E2 than it is non E2 (buying certain things just for the image rather than out of nostalgia/to fit in/etc)
The cheapest option would to just play DVD games on the 2004 laptop i own but havent touched in ages

I DONT WANT BIG TITS
I WANT TO BE AS THIN AS A RAKE
IM TRYING WAY TOO HARD TO CONTROL MY KCAL BUT I KEEP ON GAINING WEIGHT NO MATTER WHAT

[geckoskittlezx7900338]

for crying out loud selling my nintendo 64 on facebook marketplace was a nightmare, so awkward. I over analyse every interaction i have with others and it really * messes with my self worth.

this is scary, im trying to not get mega triggered by an interaction with a stranger Facebook marketplace.
I am demanding too much by pricing the gaming console too high, that is not enneagram five enough.
it's like "Do they recognise me?" "How are they going to treat me and how does that align with the way I want to be?"
every time i interact with people like this i think to myself "do they think I'm too impulsive? too materialistic? too dramatic?" but i try hard to not let them know that and just try to forget about it
its approaching. * they know where i live, i made a dumb mistake revealing the postcode of where i live now ill be vulnerable to dodgy mail. scared theyre going to make cynical passive aggressive remarks at me.
I think hes making fun of me by refusing to show up at my house and purchase the console to begin with. I have a vague feeling he stalked my account.
why do his Dms have links to these websites
god forbid they enter my house. god forbid anyone sees the writing on the walls, let alone a * stranger.
Unlike with the weed where my instagram is anon, these people have the freedom to stalk me if they please. for all i know catastrophe occurs thanks to Instagram weed and Facebook marketplace EVEYRONE KNOWS WHO I AM and theyre gonna ESFJ 2w7 me down "Youre not the Snufkin u claim to be You scream like a toddler you a woman U sexy!!!" * knows what allegations
religious people
indians
neckbeards sex jokes
and then its "over dramatic" of me to complain about it in the first plae

FACEBOOK MARKETPLACE EDIT HOT NEWS
expect the unexpected. Judging by the post history i was surprised it was an old man . I felt SO retarded by failing to realise myself just spend an additional £20 or so on the memory thing and then sell it (but then if you do that youre being more MONEY MONEY MONEY but then romanticising anti-capitalism is cringe NEVERMIND) but i did say to him "i never really liked it in the first place" but that doesnt really change it, how will that influence the motivation to do something about the missing parts or nt?

Basically i get REALLY * TRIGGERED whenever i realise how i act so impulsively shooting myself in the foot making a problem worse for myself, or "over-reacting", or having poor logical faculties. even when im out in public, even when im barely even engaging with strangers, im constantly worrying that I appear too impulsive too childish too dramatic too irrational too brutish too selfish etc in front of them

[sanmagic7]

i see you, G, and wish you weren't in so much pain.  love and hugs

[geckoskittlezx7900338]

stolen from wikipedia
Affected, mannered, put-on; postures are striking, eyecatching, graphic; markets self-appearance; is synthesized, stagy; simulates desirable/dramatic poses.

WORST CASE SCENARIO
TO BE LIKE THAT DESTROYS MY SELF-ESTEEM SO MUCH
IT HURTS SO MUCH
I WOULD RATHER DIE THAN BE LIKE THAT
BUT BECAUSE OF INTENSE EMOTION I CAN'T HELP IT