Ups and downs

[Mathilde2]

I hate how I have happy and hopeful moments. Where I feel things can get better. I'm at peace. I can even look at the improvements I made. I have hope for my kid. I can forgive family.

And then something happens that reminds me of my pile of failures, and my family's distorted image of me, that they spread everywhere. The subtle sabotage. Nobody ever believing me. My less subtle self-sabotage. And the fact that I will not have my child back. I wonder if they are right, and I am only crazy and evil and not worthy.

And I'm crying again. Or angry. Or fearful over kids future. Or I feel scared that even God cannot love me anymore, because I know all the bad stuff I did, and I know all the good stuff I knew I should have done. I don't know anybody who messed up so badly.

I tend to look at my childhood. And I feel I've been exaggerating. There were a billion good things. Sure, there was a bit of incest. Sure, my parents blamed me when I got scared of that. Sure, they were emotionally a bit limited. But did I make it up? Was I the only problem all that time? There's people who have extremely abusive childhoods. If anything (with the exception of some incidents like the above) I was spoiled. To the point of begging them to stop suffocating me. But still. There's children with histories filled to the brim with abuse, turning up decent people. And I messed up. :-/

I stand up and hopefully plan to improve my life. And reality kicks back in and I'm down again. And I know I deserve that too, because I did the same to family: I gave them hope, and then had a flashback and wrecked their hope.

It is also in my opinion of them. I see all the sad and scary stuff, feel guilty, then see all the good stuff. It is more integrated now. I know both were there. But I still go up and down. I'm the villain, they are the villain, none of us are, all of us are.

Karma? How to cope with these ups and downs? I want to be stable. Not going in waves.

Is there hope for this to ever get better?