Greetings

[DDD]

Hello everyone,

I'm DDD (short for Double Danger Dad, which is my handle everywhere else).

I'm from northern germany and have lived here my entire life. I was born in 1986 and will turn 39 in a few months. I live with my wife and my two sons. Because of my mental condition I am a stay at home dad. It's challenging sometimes but I love it and try to break the cycle of generational trauma.

I found this forum by sheer luck. I thought I'd google communities about CPTSD to find kindred souls and stumbled upon this place. I read a couple of posts and I feel that this is a kind place with likeminded people looking for community and safety. Something that is difficult to find for me in my physical cosmos. So I hope to find and provide understanding and consolation and maybe friends.

I already started an exciting adventure to find people that feel safe and close, by streaming videogames on Twitch, which was a monumental effort for me. I have found some wonderful people that way and consider one of them a close friend. She was diagnosed with AuDHD and we have much in common. There are more people who feel special to me and who also struggle, but it rarely goes beyond sharing our hobby.

In 2017, right before my first child was born I started to see a therapist. We focused on deep psychological analysis with which I hoped to understand the childhood trauma I was already aware of and unearth what's still in the unconsciousness. There was a lot. Don't worry, I have no need to express details. I'll say that neglect and abuse were daily occurences and leave it at that. Anyway, the therapy opened my mind for self understanding and self love for the first time but I did not learn how to achieve this just then. When the pandemic happened I was stuck at home with a two year old toddler, my first son. We were literally imprisoned. Even playgrounds were closed in germany. There was nothing to do. I struggled to keep him calm, as he was heavily fixated on his mother. This took a toll on my nervous system and lead to severe physical pain. I was medicated, which helped but had to stop taking the meds due to side effects. The stress from raising a child in total isolation and the fear of the virus broke me entirely. In 2021 I stopped functioning. Prior to that I was always a good high funtioning citizen who tried to fit in. Later I began to take anti depressants, which I was too afraid to try for a long time, they help with the anxiety and I actually learned how it feels not to be depressed. Depression was my default condition since I can think back (to varying and changing degrees of course). Around the time the meds started to work I began to feel resiliance, something I never felt before. I felt like I could actually fight back and brought up the courage to cut people off who harmed me in the past. I only had done so with my father before when I was twelve. I also finally discovered my ability to accept and love myself as what I am. Deeply damaged and troubled. I started my healing journey and finally had the strength to explore my feelings and articulate them. For the first time there was an abscence of chaos. There was direction and purpose to emotion. These new experiences helped me to see that I want to be surrounded by wonderful people who are on a similar path. I only know very few people in real life who are. Most feel inauthentic and unaware of the harm they do to themselves and their surroundings. It's frustrating.
My children taught me this lesson even more I think. They are the most authentic and open humans I know. They will tell me what they love about me and what they dislike or hate. I see what it is like to love someone without condition and how easy it is to provide for them. To show up for them. They show me every single day who I want to be and what I want in my life.

I am very thankful to be here and look forward to get more involved.

<3

P.S.

My anxiety is acting up so I want to apologize if my text above is in any way inappropriate. I know it probably isn't and it's just my anxiety because this is a new place, but still.

[Blueberry]

Hello DDD,

Welcome to the forum! I don't see anything inappropriate in your post. This is a good supportive forum tho unfortunately rn I don't feel able to give much support. Just 

[Kizzie]

Yes, a warm welcome to OOTS     I too did not see anything inappropriate in your post.

[DDD]

Thanks guys. I'm glad to be here.

[Kizzie]