Am I wrong here? Need Suggestions

[DrPhipps]

I really don't know what to do. I lived my life without having attacks for many years. I had attacks I suppose but they were probably brushed off as anger and I was managing with self medicating. This probably didn't help and led to exacerbated responses at times.

Without giving too much away, I am completely sober and I was diagnosed in adulthood. This has led to quite a bit of trouble. I had everything figured out already. I've been given some more skills and healthier methods though.

One of those is education of my trauma for those who are close to me. This was a very long road and met with a lot of resistance. It took many years to get the green light to proceed with my therapy plan.

Now that everything should be good and nothing is really in the way, things are so much worse. It is like my trauma is constantly used against me and my triggers are intentionally used as weapons.

Trauma responses and attacks lead to conflict instead of being handled when they are developing. I want to be very clear that I am nonviolent, I do not raise my voice, I do not hit others, or damage property. I simply retreat.

I have very clear signs of being upset and I can be fixed in moments. But any sign of trauma is an immediate conflict and I'll have attacks for days because the attack itself is a problem, not a side effect. This leads to isolation, lost wages, not eating...

In my most recent attack, the day before my therapist asked me to educate my family on a core trauma that for me - anyone really if you look from outside will see is gaslighting, victimization, and retraumatization.

While trying to explain this core trauma to my wife she said it was irrelevant, opinion, and does not match her perspective. How anyone can say this about someone's personal experience is beyond me.

She said she shared our chat with her therapist and in this chat I am doing nothing but trying to explain this trauma and asking for help to end the attack. I'm not asking for anything but for her to understand why I'm having the attack to begin with in hopes these things can be avoided in the future. Her therapist said that I'm extremely manipulative and emotionally abusive.

I was shocked to hear this. I don't believe it, but true or not for this to be said is insane. And if she really did read it, her therapist supports gaslighting because I'm explaining the triggers and then my wife responds with something that plays on these exact triggers.

I don't know what I started with in this post but I had one trouble free day. Today I was doing stuff around the house and my wife does one of these triggers and I have trauma response and she is instantly mad. The trigger is a reality denial without going into detail.

I confront her over chat and she says she has done nothing wrong and I'm not about to accuse her of anything. She also says that this is not going to be an all day thing or any other type of prolonged event. So again back to this core trauma of telling me what I'm supposed to feel or how I feel (it has a few parts).

So now I'm having another severe attack and even if I end it now somehow I won't be able to work. She just asked for help with dinner. I informed her I'm having an attack and I won't be able to help until the attack is resolved. She asked how it can be resolved. I told her by understanding the cause of the attack is a good start.

She outright refused and said this is a form of manipulation. I do not understand how asking for help is any form of manipulation. Especially when this is something she is doing and a clear pattern of continued trauma for me.

There is a clear double standard here. If I upset anyone it is the headline of the hour and it has to be dealt with immediately. Nothing can move forward until then. But if I have any feelings, it's a problem and my fault and I'm being manipulative and abusive for being abused myself?

[NarcKiddo]

There is a lot to unpack here. Have you taken it to your therapist? It is OK to need help and OK to ask for help, but that does not (as you are clearly finding) necessarily mean the other person will be willing to give help, or be able to give effective help even if they are willing. Healing from CPTSD is a tough road and much of the work does end up on your shoulders, however unfair that feels. It sounds to me like you need help from your therapist in working out how to manage your reactions to triggers. Of course one would not expect that anyone who knows about a specific trigger would deliberately do something they know will trigger you, but there is no way you can prevent all triggers. The best protection for you is to learn to recognise when a trigger response may be starting as that is the easiest time for you to try calming your reaction before it develops. That said, it does sound very unhelpful, to say the least, for your wife's therapist to suggest that you are being manipulative and even more unhelpful for her to report that back to you. I am sorry that happened.

[Kizzie]

Hi DrPhipps.  I have to agree with NarcKiddo that it's best if you discuss this with your therapist and make a plan on how you might de-escalate things. It may be that family therapy might be a consideration given you and your wife are so at odds. Again, it's something to talk to your therapist (T) about, but clearly nothing is going to change if/until the heated atmosphere can be resolved to some extent.

Also, I would mention to your T that your wife's T said what they did about you. That's not something any reputable T would do and is likely reportable.

[DDD]

Hey DrPhipps.  First of all, you assuming you could be wrong and how well reflected your text is, I don't think you're wrong here.

Judging from personal experience it sounds to me like your wife might be overwhelmed with your trauma response and goes into a defensive stance by denying your needs. Maybe she has lived through trauma aswell and gets triggered by it herself. It rather sounds to me like she is trying to manipulate you and then projects that tactic back onto you to avoid accountability. I don't mean to assume any malicious intent on her part, I can imagine she can't help it and does not have the tools to be supportive. Living with a trauma survivor requires empathy and understanding.

To me it seems like a few sessions of couple's counseling, where both your perspectives can be heard could open up new paths.

I'm wishing you all the best.