Still Mid-Leap and Still Floating

[Cascade]

Hi everyone,
I'm a 52-year-old woman living alone in the U.S.  I was sexually abused by my father from ages 4-12 (freeze response) and parentified to care for my mother's emotional needs (fawn response).  Of course, I also married and divorced a man decades ago who was sexually and emotionally abusive for eleven years.  I went no-contact with my family of origin almost ten years ago.  Both parents have since passed away.  No kids.  Two cats help me feel love.  😻😻

I originally found this site last year, but I may not have been ready to relate to others.  I became easily upset and believe I upset others.  I'll give this another try now because I think it would be good to be able to give and receive a little more compassion in my life.  I've been thinking of everyone, feeling very lonely in the safety of my isolation, and came back yesterday to read a bit.  Among many other things that made me cry and made me feel good, I saw Armee's comment to Mathilde.

Sorry I've missed your journal and are not keeping up with the forum very well lately. But it's really common for the first year or two to constantly think you've done something wrong and need to leave. That's just the dumb trauma talking. One more lovely symptom

I probably won't be as active here as I was last year.  I'm taking things very slowly.  Life feels like a tug-of-war roller coaster... immerse in nothing, immerse in healing, immerse in a short project, repeat back and forth.  I think I might have immersed too much here last time!  I'm trying to find some balance between everything.

My introduction (which I deleted) was titled something like, "Mid-Leap and Floating."  I still feel like I took the biggest leap of my life jumping into attempted recovery from CPTSD.  I still feel like I am floating, dissociated from everything, without much to hold on to.

I know I've made some progress.  Probably a lot of progress if I make a list.  It just takes so much time to adjust to living differently, thinking differently, feeling and emoting differently.  I've been working online with a great trauma-informed therapist since June of last year.  We do EMDR when we can; stabilization is still a struggle, so sometimes we just talk.  I don't go outside or leave the house except to get groceries.  I haven't worked in a full year, but only because I now have my portion of the proceeds from selling my mother's house after she passed away.  I'm very sedentary and don't have motivation for anything.  It's challenging to keep myself fed.  I have no routine and take my life one moment at a time.  Sometimes I manage to get up and take a shower, other times I get up and escape into TV.  It seems like any improvements are passing phases that I can't hold on to.

My therapist is good at reminding me I've been burned out and overwhelmed, probably for my whole life.  She eases my financial guilt by reminding me that quitting my job and not yet returning to work is a matter of life and death (due to suicidal ideation).  I have one close friend who comes over monthly for a couple hours in the evening.  I'm grateful for all these things and a place to communicate about them with you.

Thanks for reading,
   -Cascade

[Armee]

 

Welcome back.

You've been through a lot. I'm glad you are able to take time to rest away from work. I took 2.5 and only went back 16 hrs a week. The things done to us long term were very damaging and taxing. It is what it is. I'm also glad you inherited your mom's house and now have a financial cushion. Ironically. Me too. That's what allowed me to take time off as well.

[NarcKiddo]

Welcome back. I'm glad you have made progress that you can recognise. It's likely, as you say, that you have made more than you think but it can be hard for us to be objective about our own progress. Especially when things still feel so hard. The main thing is that you are looking after yourself and I am glad you have a good therapist. That can make the world of difference.

[Cascade]

Armee and NarcKiddo,
Thanks for your warm welcomes.  I appreciate the second chance.

Armee, I always wondered how people get away with not working!  Yes, ironic indeed.

NarcKiddo, your kind words offer some reinforcement and inspiration.

Thank you,
  -Cascade

[dollyvee]

Hi Cascade,

Welcome back to the forum and congratulations on your healing and the progress you've made.

I remember you from before and nothing springs to mind about how you might have upset others.

I hope you find what you need here.

Sending you support,
dolly

[Kizzie]

Welcome back Cascade!  I also do not remember you ever saying anything upsetting, it's likely just that critical inner voice we all have telling you that so maybe this time tell it to pipe down     I hope you will feel more comfortable here this time. I have found personally that when I tried to do too much and "rip the bandaid off" so to speak I became quite overwhelmed.  When I took my then T's advice, slowed down and also tried to look at the positive aspects of me and my life I was much less triggered/overwhelmed. Just my journey of course but maybe it will help you on yours.   

[Blueberry]

Welcome back, Cascade!

[Cascade]

Hey there dolly, Kizzie, and Blueberry,
It's great to see your warm comments and familiar selves.  Thanks for your assurances, too.

it's likely just that critical inner voice we all have telling you that so maybe this time tell it to pipe down 

Yep, I already had to tell it to pipe down just to get through the shame that popped up as I was preparing to post my introduction.  It took a second to figure out why I was feeling so anxious about coming back.  It was shame.  You all help me feel accepted here, (perceived and/or real) mistakes and all.


  -Cascade

[Dalloway]

Welcome back, Cascade, I´m glad you returned. I think it´s a good idea to slow down when you feel overwhelmed. I get overwhelmed often, especially after therapy sessions, when my buried and repressed memories and emotions come to the surface. It´s very hard, but it´s great you have a supportive T and a close friend you can talk to.   

[Cascade]

Dalloway, thanks for writing!  Great to see you again.  Yeah, this different life is hard, but I keep trusting the future peace will be worth it.

Take care,
   -Cascade