Does anyone find their birthday triggering?

[Rrecovery]

Boatsetsailrose Happy Birthday    I'm glad you're here. 

[woodsgnome]

First, Indigochild...yes, I'm the same as you--wonder if and especially why anyone should care about what I write, etc., that old self-esteem/compassion conundrum. I just don't feel worthy, but one reason I'm here in the first place is to not feel alone, so I plod on and yes, hope I'm not boring others...and yes, this is supposed to be about mutual support, not just info, and certainly not just to not be boring, but I'd better get myself out of this self-revelatory word-ditch and back on track...

Birthdays. Abhor them. Trigger City. Mainly it involves who's pulling the trigger, but for years even the thought of my birthday being a big deal--nah, not me. And I was able to do it, lots of times--but eventually I "allowed" some friends to make it worthy of some attention. Fair enough, I reasoned, and as it never involved FOOs or other trigger-vibes, it was usually okay.

There was one last remnant, though--my sister sent me a card every blasted year...trouble is, she factors big-time in my cptsd story and I'd brace myself for triggers that would blast me from that card, but I'd never respond (she doesn't live close either, which is cool). Nonetheless, every single year it would happen, and even if I didn't open the card, the triggers blew my psyche to shreds to think that she, of all people, would....I'm stopping myself there.

But here comes the better news--no card this year. Two friends wanted to come over and it was tranquil, peaceful, fun, and what I needed for what I still don't regard as a big day.

[Indigochild]

Hi Jdog

I am glad you don't dread your birthday.  Have you ever dreaded it? If so how did you stop dreading...and it you never have...do you know why not?
Just maybe theres something i could be missing here.

I am sorry that your wife doesnt enjoy your birthdays.
I never thought of it like that, that it could also go the other way too..but of course it could as people can deal with the same issue in either of the two opposite ways.
Perhaps for you, you wanted to have a normal birthday, and you managed to dull some how any dread you felt?

I hope you enjoyed your mountain resort break? Sounds very nice.
Whilst its a shame she couldn't continue having huge parties etc. ...perhaps there was stuff lurking there amongst all of that, and perhaps not doing it *that way* will help her figure it out...weather she's counties of this or not.

And your right- its ok if your not *ready* to celebrate your birthday yet. We all have to be patient with ourselves.  Very good to remember.

[Indigochild]

Hi woodsgnome

I am so glad you messaged! And i have to say, i do like your username. 

Trigger warning too for you.

Firstly, i would like to say that i hear you, and that I completley understand your worry, fear, anxiety, old self talk, judgemental inner critic about why would anyone care about what you write. 
I thought i was the only person who felt that way too. On this thread at the top which you may have read, i wrote that i worry that I'm boring, or irritating others and knwone replied, which plays into my sens of...oh that was so stupid...etc etc. for known to even acknowledge it, and then i think...but I'm not asking for attention..not even in my head! It probably goes back to neglect but anyways.

The fact that you don't feel worthy my lovely, is exactly why you should be here.
Perhaps you could start a thread about that and hear others experiences and about how other people feel? I know id join that, and i also know that that alone wont solve this.

I don't know about you, but do you feel that even if others say...yeah..i feel worthless too...you would feel completely different from them still...as if there is something that is so deeply wrong within you...something unexplainable in words...that you cant put your finger on?
I feel that everyone else has a story, but that I'm not worthy of that story myself. Not worthy to have a similar / valid experience and to have nice things said in the end.

Oh yes and as for boring people...i get the worry.
It is of course different when you are not moaning endlessley about your own life...and i for one, enjoy browsing on here and reading others experiences etc.

This takes time- opening up online...writing messages, and you should be so proud of yourself for writing your first message. I hope you mange to stick around and that you find this place helpful.
Its not so scary...popping in now and then, and you don't have to give away too much if you don't feel like, and you don't have to help others yet, as you are so new.
Don't be worried about asking all the questions right now, as one person on here put it, you are looking for help and support right now, and to just be heard, later you can offer any input, and you can now if you so wish, but don't feel pressured.

I am sad to hear that you also don't like your birthday.
And that your Foo is triggering for you.

I hope you don't mind me asking...as i don't know your story....but have you looked into your Foo and why its so triggering?
Why your sisters card is so triggering? And what you could about it?

I hope you don't worry you have to stop yourself writing...not sure if it was just too hard to write.

[Indigochild]

Boatsetsailrose Happy Birthday!!!  Hope you had a good one.

[Indigochild]

Boatsetsailrose,

Im sorry your mother said that to you. Know one should have to hear that, and its so sad if in her heart, she thought that.
Its awful when a mother just has the incapability for whatever reason, to love the wonderful child she has.

Im glad your trying to celebrate...and you do deserve to celebrate.
The fact that you are still around, is something to celebrate, despite all struggles through life, and its something we should all remember on our birthday.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Thank you indigo child
Yes it was the worse single thing that she verbalised to me and stuck with me for a long time and at points has really fed into my mental health ---
It has lost most of its power now - I did some work with an energy healer and that really helped me to feel born and here --
Yes thank u to celebrate being here on earth, alive and thriving it is a miracle -- my strength to thrive even blows me away
We all here are born survivors and it's so encouraging
I love this site and am v grateful to met everyone

[Indigochild]

Yes...im not surprised it effected you!


Energy healing sounds interesting.
I am glad it helped you to feel more alive.
Yes, we are all strong. I love this website too.

[sunnyday1]

I used to dread them a lot.  My birthdays were either a glut of attention seeking from the FOO or not recognized at all.  Pretty much get no attention from the FOO now, which I find nice.  I used to not really do anything. I've started just doing a few small things to make it a nice day. 

[Indigochild]

Hey Sunnyday1

That sucks! Your birthday is the one day people should celebrate how special you are, make you feel special, celebrate your life.
Im not surprised you dreaded them. 
You do not deserve that from your FOO.
You deserve people who love you and who pay attention to you.

Im so glad youve started doing a few small things. 
Thats a good idea. Just take it slow, start small if your afraid to go big and all out on the celebrations.
Thanks for that!