Does anyone find their birthday triggering?

[Indigochild]

Hi, its Indigo child again.
Every time i think of posting a new topic, I wonder if i have posted too many topics on here, and weather that is annoying to others. I wonder if people just think that my questions are stupid..or pointless...and i wonder if I should only post if it is a really important burning question i have to ask.
Im not sure if this is normal and its paranoia setting in, but i hope my messages are ok. 
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Birthdays...Does anybody else hate their birthday?

I find my birthdays depressing, because I feel so embarrassed at the idea of having a party, or asking people if they would like to celebrate my birthday with me (no matter what I'm doing to celebrate).
I don't like any sort of attention on me and just want to crawl into a whole and die.
I feel so undeserving of positive birthday attention, and worry that people would not really want to be there celebrating with me but they just do it as they might feel bad if they didnt.
I feel guilty being given gifts.

For as long as i remember, i havent celebrated my birthday, and i have never celebrated it the way most of the people i know have, with huge parties and all their family around.
Going to anything like that of other peoples majorly triggers me.

During my boyfriends birthday, I knew i would feel bad (didnt know if it was called bing triggered (before i found out about ptsd) so i drank all day to get through it and at another friends birthday, i felt tears brimming behind my eyes and i had such intense anger all day, and his parents were so supportive and they even played the album he had made to everyone.
My parents have never been so supportive.
I know my mum is very ashamed that she brought me into this world with a visual impairment, and perhaps this is partly why.

I just feel so sad.
Can anyone relate?

[keepfighting]

Hi, Indigo,

another one who hates her own birthday. For many of the same reasons you have given (though I'n not triggered by other people's birthdays, only my own).

I usually feel myself wishing it was anybody's birthday but my own - I like other people's birthday parties, big or small. Just nothing where the spotlights are on me - it makes me extremely uneasy. (In the past, I used to wish I could just crawl under a stone for the day till it's over so I guess it's an improvement of sorts already  ).

Do you have a birthday coming up or just had one?

But you know, there  are many people I know who don't celebrate their birthdays with huge parties of family and friends. My t made me start celebrating my birthdays, but in a way that feels nice and safe to me. I had three since then: One a short break with my FOC, next a small party of friends and we met at a nice place where we shared some activities and a picnic; this year a girl's day out with two other 'girls'. Nothing major, nothing like in the movies, something that suits my needs. I still feel uneasy about it, but I'm trying...

I know my mum is very ashamed that she brought me into this world with a visual impairment, and perhaps this is partly why.

This is so sad and so wrong. How does this make it less of a reason to celebrate your being here? 

[bee]

I hate my birthday.

It is on a major holiday. My M told me; when I was young and worried that no one would come to my party; that of course they would, their parents would jump at the chance of getting rid of their children with free child care, so the parents could go out and celebrate. Gee M that helped...not. Now I don't feel like the day is mine, I do not matter compared to a holiday.

I also don't like being the center of attention. I feel like I'm weird for not wanting a party, and weird for not being able to have one if I did, because I don't have friends. So yeah, depressing.

I'm sorry you feel this way though.

[Rrecovery]

I dread my birthdays and feel so relieved when they are over. For many years I was suicidal on my birthday; but it's been a few years since that's been the case.  For me it brings up a lifetime of having a family that wasn't there for me.  Some years none of them acknowledged it at all.  *?!  Finally I told them, "if you don't acknowledge my birthday I won't be acknowledging yours."  Then I followed through with it.  And they were so surprised and dismayed    Pretty soon they were busting their a**es to remember and acknowledge my birthday    But *?!  In the past I'd get triggered when someone's family really celebrated their birthday; I'd nosedive into a deep depression (which would totally catch me off guard) and take a week to come out of it.  It just triggered despair around having such a neglectful family.  They have improved as the years have gone by, which I'm grateful for.  But every year there is the fear of whether they'll remember, and whether I'll feel depressed/despair or not.

Thanks for the thread.  Feels good to share about this 

[Indigochild]

Hi Recovery

I am *so* glad that it feels good to share about this. Hearing that makes me so glad i made this thread!
I am sorry that your family have been so neglectful. Its just awful and extremely sad.  You do not deserve that and you deserves to celebrate being alive and living for however long you have been on this world.
I understand why you would feel suicidal on your birthdays and I'm sorry that you felt that way.

And you go girl!! Perhaps they never realised what they were doing.
*Finally I told them, "if you don't acknowledge my birthday I won't be acknowledging yours."  Then I followed through with it.  And they were so surprised and dismayed    Pretty soon they were busting their a**es to remember and acknowledge my birthday  *

I dread them too and feel relief every time when they are over and usually completely forget about it the next day. This year i am still quite sad but think i may be in a flashback.

(My parents were not completely neglectful of my *birthdays*, just never made as much of a deal about it like i see other families doing and since i have left home, they seem even less bothered.
I think it just brings up a lot of feelings of feeling unimportant, ashamed, worthless and neglected, like known else would care about my birthday. I have been suicidal too on my birthdays but this birthday, did not act upon it. Im not sure what I'm flashing back to, but
the same feelings come up of wishing i was dead.)

I hope that soon, you can start to feel better about your birthdays, and that your family get their act together!!

[Indigochild]

Hi, Voicelessagony2

I am sorry that you also hate your own birthday!
Whilst making this thread provides comfort in that I'm not alone or weird...it makes me so sad.

Reading what youve written:
*I usually feel myself wishing it was anybody's birthday but my own - I like other people's birthday parties, big or small. Just nothing where the spotlights are on me - it makes me extremely uneasy. (In the past, I used to wish I could just crawl under a stone for the day till it's over so I guess it's an improvement of sorts already  :big wink:)*
-i think youve helped me figure out that perhaps part of the reason i hate and dread my birthdays may be because my mum used to say, (and the memories are not there fully) but she used to say something like...at this rate ill be cancelling christmas, if you don't....whatever...you wont be having a birthday etc etc.

My birthday was yesterday.
You are right about not having huge parties. I feel guilty even doing something small and stating what i would like...such as where to go for a meal.

I am glad you have started celebrating your birthdays and i hope it gets easier for you to do that in time.

I meant that perhaps me not being the perfect daughter my mum wanted is partly the reason she has never been so proud, or given me a birthday party, or played the songs i have recorded to anyone else.

Thats not a reason not to celebrate, i just feel so much shame.
Thanks so much for being so lovely 

[Indigochild]

Bee, I'm sorry that you too hate your birthday and that it is also on a major holiday!

That is a horrible, insensitive, neglectful thing that your mum said to you. That must of made you feel very unimportant for one.

I understand. Its like a double bind in your own mind. you kind of hope that know one will discover your feelings about your birthday, whilst at the same time, feel awful for having a party.

[Widdiful Falling]

I'm sorry you guys have to go through that. You all deserve so much better. Not everyone is the partying type, but it feels good to celebrate being around for another year.

I have never really had a big party, but I try to do one nice thing just for myself on my birthday. It's my one selfish act that I don't feel bad about afterward. I do feel weird about being given gifts. Especially if I haven't gotten anything for the gift-giver. I feel like it's just one more thing they can hold over my head, and I'm tired of keeping track of that stuff.

Happy belated birthday, indigochild, and congratulations on making it another year!  It's hard, this living thing we're doing, and there are a lot of struggles, but it will be worth it in the end if you can say you've done one act of kindness. From your responses, you seem like a very empathetic, kind person, so I'm sure you help people all the time, even if you don't realize it. 

Recovery, that boundary you set sounds like a good one. You deserve to be shown kindness and respect. Congratulations on that. And happy belated birthday to you, too. I have no idea when it is, but I'm glad you made it another year. 

Bee, what a terrible thing to say to a child. Your M just invalidated any sort of self-esteem or friendship you held. That's an earth-shattering thing to say to a child. I can see how it would destroy your sense of trust, and instill a healthy dose of paranoia to boot. Happy belated birthday to you as well. It being on a holiday sounds to me like reason to celebrate more, not less.

Thank you all for being here, guys. It's really fantastic having you around. 

A random idea: if you guys feel bad doing something purely for yourself, why don't you volunteer at an interesting place that you like? You will be helping others and doing something nice for yourself at the same time.

[Rrecovery]

Indigochild , thank you for your understanding, compassion and encouragement.  And Happy Birthday to you!   

Widdiful Falling thank you!  Happy Birthday to you too   

Perhaps we should start a "It's my Birthday" thread, we are a special kind of family here 

[Widdiful Falling]

Indigochild , thank you for your understanding, compassion and encouragement.  And Happy Birthday to you!   

Widdiful Falling thank you!  Happy Birthday to you too   

Perhaps we should start a "It's my Birthday" thread, we are a special kind of family here 

"It's my birthday" now up and running in the cafe! 

[Indigochild]

Widdiful Falling, that is a great idea! 
And no worries, any time, thank you for your understanding!!! 
Thank you very much for the happy birthday.

[Indigochild]

ps. I'm so glad that you do something nice for yourself on your birthday. It is the one day where we should do something for ourselves with no guilt attached....even though idealy, that would be most days.
Its sucks feeling like you have to keep score with the presence. Its not enough for me to rationalise it and say..oh well, its their choice to get me something, i don't have to repay them.

too Widdifull! You seem like a lovely person. Thank you for your really nice words. Right back at you!
I do to believe it will all be worth it if we can make something amazing come out of it in the end. The knowledge and understanding that others don't normally acquire as well as hopefully self acceptance will definatley be something. 

Volunteering is something i already do. I find it hard applying for new opportunities but may apply for something else when i am in a better place. Its a great way to feel good about yourself whilst helping others at the same time.
Thanks for the suggestion.

And lastly, this is such a great forum, with what seems, some really nice caring people on it. i am glad to be a part of such a place 

[littlepalm]

 

Happy Birthday to all of Us!

i hate my birthday as well. It triggers my trauma of my father dying which started me being an *orphan* as my mom did not care about me.My trauma is the neglect & abuse from my mother. In fact I dislike the entire month.

The only reason I had parties was so my mother could save face w/her FOO. They were not about me.

Terrific thread!

[Boatsetsailrose]

**possible trigger **

I get sad on my birthday - feeling the 'family ' thing
My mother once said to me she wished I'd been aborted -
That seems about one of the top worst things you could say to a child I think-

Anyway I wasn't got rid of and I am here 42 and proud that I've come as far as I have

Turning celebratory times around is something that has taken practice and I don't always get it right but what I do know is both you and I deserve to be loved whatever day it is x

[Jdog]

I love that this thread exists.  I don't dread my birthday but today is my wife's birthday and she shared that her parents never made her feel special on her birthday.  For a few years after we got together she threw herself huge parties - rafting trips, BBQs, outings to baseball games involving 12 or more people.  Then it started to become a smaller event for her.  Now it's just she and I doing something nice and out-of-the-ordinary together.  We are at a mountain resort this weekend. It is very relaxing. 

I think birthdays rock and whatever people decide to do is just fine.  We deserve love, respect, and recognition up to our capacity to enjoy those things.  Some of us are not ready to do so, and that is ok also.  Some go overboard and then find balance (like my wife).  Whatever fits your needs is just fine, I think.