Hello, hi, it's me.

[Silveris]

Hello,

I've never introduced myself anywhere before and to be perfectly honest I'm not sure why I start now. Perhaps there is no hurt in sharing this with the forum, and perhaps this will be a first step of mine towards further progress. I'll try to keep it short.

Until few weeks ago I did not even know about CPTSD. Also until few weeks ago I did not hit my lowest low. There was a watershed moment, an event that split my life into before and after. You see, I have an unfortunate history of unwittingly disappointing and hurting my wife. Due to my behavior and state of mind I break promises, let her down, and chip away at her sense of stability in life. The specifics are not important now, but my actions have led us to a series of escalating conflicts that have wounded both of us deeply. If I wanted to save us from further pain I had to fix the problem at its roots.

That time was a resolute push for me to finally look inwards and discover what is wrong with me. There are broken things aplenty about me, that is not a revelation, but I've never dug deeper beneath the marred surface. My research online led me to the wiki page on C-PTSD. And the symptoms there checked all the boxes. I've had a notion of what PTSD is from media, but would've never entertained a thought of being affected. I'm familiar with dysthymia, Depression's younger twin. I've dealt with depersonalisation in the past. I've been to the therapist and got my magic beans prescription. But this was new. Turns out the C in the name makes all the difference.

I started reading more and discovering links between people's descriptions and my own life. Childhood is a blur with only few memories soaked in anxiety and profound sense of wrong. Socially tense situations send me into dissociative state of stupor, stressors shut down my mind and I burrow into a cocoon of emotional numbness. Extra spicy memories are just wiped clean the next day. I don't know what is my core of being, my central self. Emotions are veiled and uncertain, lack definition. The list goes on.

There are more issues, compounded into a web of interlinked afflictions, that make it hard to discern which one is a cause and which a symptom. But on the very center lies the childhood trauma that started it all.

I'm reading materials, trying to think, lead a journal and make notes. A therapist is scheduled for an intro session soon.
All of this is new and scary and deeply disturbing. I feel like a piece of me is missing and the broken off part aches with phantom pain. But I'm trying my best to push on and discover how to proceed. I will lurk and read and maybe even poke a tendril out of my shell from time to time.

Thank you and sorry if you read this so far, I hope you are doing well today and will do even better tomorrow.
Cheers!

[Kia1212]

Glad that you are investigating the whys of abuse. You will improve your life immensely, not to mention your wife & children too. Good luck on your journey!

[Cascade]

Hi Silveris,
Thanks so much about opening up about yourself.  I'm sorry to hear about the pain and trauma in your past and present.  You have already done so much in a few short weeks to take care of yourself and move forward.  Impressive!

I know how scary this is so kudos to you for taking the leap.
  -Cascade

[Silveris]

Thank you both, I truly appreciate the kind words.
I hope to stick around and maybe even be of help to somebody some day.