Sudden waves of sadness

[Silveris]

You probably know what alexithymia is - trouble parsing emotional states and understanding what you're feeling. It has many forms and gradations and they all can vary from person to person. A particular one that I experience sometimes is this:

A sudden tidal wave of profound sadness.

Unprompted, it comes out of nowhere and engulfs and envelops completely. I could be sitting on a bus or walking down a street or making notes in a meeting, and out of the blue the clouds gather, light falters, strength seeps out of me and the mind is overflowing with the acute and heavy sadness. Sadness. Sorrow. Ennui. Hopelessness. Dejection. Whatever the right word for it may be.
Only it remains and everything else is pushed out. I might break down in tears if the wave hits hard enough. On the street, at work, alone or not. It ebbs away slowly throughout the day and might come flooding back at any point.

It might be once a month, might be several times. I noticed it happen more often when I'm under stress, but even then I cannot find a definitive source.
I just don't understand what these waves are and it's depressing to be at a whim of a mental process I do not understand.

[Little2Nothing]

I have those moments as well. It comes unbidden and can last a short or long while. Those moments are quite painful. They are connected to something but I can never figure out what. 

[Blueberry]

I used to have those, never knew they were part of alexithymia. I often got them when I was in somebody else's family, like on a visit, where things were seemingly good, at least where I was definitely emotionally safer than in my own FOO. I don't seem to get them any more, tho I didn't work on them disappearing, they just did.

[Silveris]

Lttle2Nothing:
I hope you find the connection

Blueberry:
Lumping it with alexithymia might've been an error on my part. I have no idea if they are related at all. I just have both and they seem to be co-morbid.
I'm glad your went away.

[Kizzie]

Silveris, I read in your intro post that you have arranged to see a therapist soon. Has that happened yet?  If you can find one who is familiar with Complex PTSD (and not just trauma or PTSD), that would be your best bet.  They would be familiar with repressing or stuffing emotion. dissociation, etc., and it leaking out in waves as you have described.  They can likely give you a hand to start unburying slowly and safely all the emotion that seems to be packed away underneath your day-to-day self.

I am mostly free of that experience these days due to talking here and in therapy, but every once in a while I will get a shot of sadness.  It's nothing big or overwhelming like you but it's enough for me to pay attention to what is happening in my life to see if I can get to the root of what has brought the sadness on. 

I hope you can work on this with your new therapist and talk about it here because it is fairly common when we're getting nearer to our truths to feel these bursts of emotion, sometimes more intensely than others.  It's a signal from within that there are wounds that need looking after.

[Silveris]

Hi Kizzie, thank you for your input. I am going to intro sessions with two different therapists next week. One of them is trauma-focused. Bringing up this issue - and plethora of others in due time - is on my agenda once I click with someone.
If I'll ever find out the source of this I'll share my insights.

[Kizzie]