Nervous to be seen

[Blue_Jays]

Hello everyone,

I have been diagnosed with cPTSD by my current therapist, and I am in the process of looking into my anxiety issues. My mental health has always been a challenge, with a lot of anxiety and panic, among many others. I have seen 4 therapists over the last 7 years, with large breaks, but my current one has been very helpful. I was extremely reluctant to seeking help initially, but I was completely dysregulated, an intense workaholic, and destructive in my relationships. My partner pushed me to get help during a serious run of agoraphobia.

I am 31, my childhood was really damaging and isolating. My stepdad was an abusive alcoholic, and he physically and verbally abused me from 4 to 17. My mom was absent due to her own unresolved issues. The damage my childhood has caused can be hard to navigate. I was the family scapegoat (family villain) my whole life (even today).

After my stepdad was gone, my younger sister continued the abuse and became our live-in aggressor, with a special hatred for me. She later became my younger sister and mom's abuser once I moved out.

My mother became a bigger issue from 17 onwards. She was extremely manipulative in my 20s. I was her mother more than she was mine; she was not able to navigate anything without me or she would lash out and make my life very hard. I have gone no-contact with many of my abusers to protect myself over the years. I only recently cut off my mom in 2023, and it is something my peers find very uncomfortable and hard to understand, which is fair. It has been the most painful experience of my life, with a lot of grief and anger throughout the last year or so.

My mom kept me in a constant state of submission and emotional flashback for nearly a decade, until my current therapist and the book "Complex PTSD: From surviving to thriving by Pete Walker" provided clarity, among other resources.

I am doing well in my healing, I am in a safe environment, with an understanding partner, a dog, relatively stable.

But the lows and anxiety have been very isolating, and very intense. I have recently moved very far away from where I spent most of my life, and it is really throwing me for a loop without my previous distractions (work, friends, etc.). I am finding I can't rely on my friends to understand, nor be there for me in the way I need. I spend a lot of time disassociating and hiding in my apartment. I am seeking community and connection with those that have experienced similar hardships, so I don't feel so alone and feel better about my place in the world.

My goal has been to reclaim my life and let go of the things that hold me down. Including fixing my family. Letting go is the hardest part of the journey for me.


Happy to be here and learn about others and myself.

[Kizzie]

Hi Blue Jays and a warm welcome to OOTS     Glad you found your way here to us and I hope you find sharing helpful to defueling some of your anxiety and need to isolate. Sometimes doing it here where you are safe and everyone gets what you are sharing can be a good first step to connection with others out in the real world. We are a supportive group for sure because we've all had similar pasts and current day battles. I'm so sorry though for all you've been through and where and what it has left you dealing with.  

[NarcKiddo]

Welcome. I'm glad you found us.

It's understandable that people who have not experienced what we have may not really "get it". Since you are in a new place maybe you could think about trying to contact a wider circle of people perhaps in a more casual way at first. Friendships take time to grow and flourish but there's no reason not to take little pieces of joy from various different friends even if you are not in a position yet of having closer friends who can be fully there for you in the way you need.

I also think that when we have mothers who engulf us we never learn to know ourselves. I am in my 50s and only just beginning to find out who I am and what I actually enjoy or don't like. In a familiar environment with all the old distractions we can continue on auto-pilot and think we are doing OK. I think you are very brave to have made your move and to have gone NC, but am not surprised you are not finding it to be an instant relief. You need to be kind to yourself and maybe consider if you need to get to know the real you a little better. That could be hard because the real you may well be someone with skills or attitudes your mother would be jealous or disapproving of. If she has conditioned you to be one way and you find you are not actually that person you have two hurdles to overcome; both the initial shock at who you are and then discarding the feeling your mother instilled that you should not be that way because your mother would not like it.

I wish you well.

[DZ]

Hi Blue Jays,

Welcome. I just joined OOTS as well as I've been looking for support in my healing journey as well. First and foremost, I'd like to commend your for taking the step to share your story and work towards a healthier you. Sharing your story can be hard and I commend you for doing so. I am glad you are in a safer and healthier environment. I know it's hard and lonely. I can relate a lot to your story as I have cut off family, been on my own, and have struggled with feeling understood. Speaking from experience, focusing on yourself is most important. Understanding, healing, and forgiving yourself for the things that you may blame yourself for subconsciously and understanding that those thoughts and feelings while they are there, they are not true. I struggle a lot with anxiety and depression myself and I find that combating those thoughts takes time but does help. Focusing on the relationship you have with yourself and validating yourself really does matter. While others around you may not understand the most important thing is that you understand you. It takes time, patience, and giving yourself grace to get there but it isn't impossible.

Remember, the steps your are taking are for you and your wellbeing. While it would be nice for others to understand, you are the one that has lived through your life and experienced what you have so it's not for everyone else to understand but rather to respect. It starts with you first. I've learned that sometimes, wanting to be understood by others was the desire to feel validated and no one will ever validate you if you don't validate yourself. You're already moving forward so keep going. It does get better.

One step at a time. One day at a time. You matter, your experiences and feelings are valid.

[Blue_Jays]

Hi DZ, NarcKiddo and Kizzie,

Thank you for the welcome to OOTS, and for your insights.

NarcKiddo:

I have had a bit of luck with the casual friendships. I just have to remind myself that they don't need to know my whole life story upon meeting me. There is some residual panic in me from when I was a teenager that is so desperate to be heard and saved. Appreciate your encouragement and reminder of the importance of time when creating close friendships.

It can be such a challenge to discover likes and dislikes and who we are. I resonate a lot with this sentiment, and it is something I have encountered many times. It is an ongoing challenge, to know myself and know what feels right for me, rather than what was forced onto me.

DZ:

Thank you for your comments. I appreciate the reminder to work on my relationship with myself. I have had so many shifts over the years around my identity, that it is difficult to remember that is the goal. I find that I have neglected myself so many times in my life that it can be a challenge to see myself.

"you are the one that has lived through your life and experienced what you have so it's not for everyone else to understand but rather to respect" - another lesson that sometimes gets forgotten in the healing process.

I find I can move so confidently through these tough experiences and decisions at times. Then others I am so exhausted and lonely that I cannot remember all that I have learnt. But I am leaning into rest and patience, as my inner child tends to be very concerned.