I feel like nobody understands

[sunn]

Had to end some friendships recently and I feel so alone. Last year I suddenly started feeling really unsafe around most of my social circle, which resulted in me having frequent nightmares and panic attacks. I experienced a lot of emotional abuse, explotation and coercion from "friends" in my past so it's very difficult for me to thrive in groups, but I really did try to do things correctly this time and I tried to reach out and work on minimizing my triggers, but it all felt useless.

These past few weeks have been horrible for me so me and my partner talked to one of my closest friends and told her that I just don't feel like I can stay in the group because of my mental health. Most of my friends struggle with mental illness, so at the very least I expected her to understand, but she didn't at all. She basically forced my partner to beg me to speak with the rest of our social circle, she was even happy to know I was struggling so badly, I know she didn't mean anything bad by it and that for her it reassured that I trust her but c'mon...

So I talked to my friends. They really did not get it and basically blamed me for it, they said I should've brought this up sooner even though they also struggle communicating issues and I tried to explain why that's a very hard thing for me to do, on top of the fact I did mention I wanted to set boundaries in the past... I told them I still feel deeply for them so I'd hate to lose all contact but I came home and found myself blocked by most of them... And then my closest friend confessed she doesn't think I even like her!! I've spent so much time with her and doing things for her! I feel betrayed, I feel like I never meant anything to any of them and that I'm not in on a joke everyone else knows.

I'm heartbroken, other than my partner I feel like I have no one. Nobody, absolutely nobody understands. I don't blame them for thinking being friends with me is hard, not at all, specially since I agree. But all I ask is for some acceptance and every time a situation like this happens to me I never get any. It hurts and I honestly even feel nauseous almost constantly now... I don't know what I do wrong... Does anyone relate to this? How can I deal with these feelings? Thank you

[WabiSabi]

Hey Sunn, sorry you're having such a tough time atm  It sounds like you tried to handle this respectfully, and everyone took it personally. I really feel for you.

I have distanced myself from many good friends because of bad ones. I've also experienced a similar situation.

I can see why the group might have viewed your distancing as a rejection, and wanted to take control by rejecting you first.
I don't feel that to be a healthy, balanced reaction to you needing space. Maybe on reflection it will turn out it wasn't only to do with your past, but you had problems with the group itself. 

As for your close friend, their actions like trying to get you to talk to the group, focusing on it being a mental health crisis, accusing you of not liking them; it all speaks to insecurity. I speculate they're trying to reassure themselves they're not to blame, because they fear they are.

Some people just need a lot more reassurance in relationships. They really need to be told over and over again that it's not them, and that they're liked, and x,y,z. It can be hard work, but we all work a bit differently.

It might not be very comforting, but sometimes when things like this happens it just leaves space for something new. You have time to heal and maybe focus on what you'd value and seek in new friendships.

When something like this happened to me, it ultimately ended up that everyone else had baggage. It's not always the best habit to chalk it down to "it's not me, it's you", but sometimes that's the best fit.

[Dalloway]

Sunn, I´m very sorry for your negative experience with your group of friends. I can relate to the struggle of trying to set boundaries and communicating your needs and feelings. Not with friends, but in my family, especially with my mum who always gets very defensive when I try to talk to her about these things. Unfortunately, I don´t really have an advice or example of handling these situations well, but I want to say that I hear you and wish you well. 

[sunn]

Thank you for your responses!

Now that I've been sitting with these feelings for a bit I realize that some people in the group found me to be really cryptic and difficult to read, which I understand and recognize since I can be read that way by people who don't know me well.

I understand this probably discouraged them from trying to see my point of view and made them think I just didn't like them, but it just feels like a huge step back since I've known a lot of them for several years now and I've told them that my behavior is just a way for me to feel safe around situations I'm not sure how to navigate. And well, I tried to be very reassuring during our friendship but I see that maybe the way I did it wasn't one that works well for them.

It's sad, but I know I will be okay and I'll be able to move on from this. Thanks again for your words   

[WabiSabi]

Hey Sunn,

Glad you've had some time to digest things. Maybe when the dust settles people will come round, you never know.

Ofc it was all speculation on my part, but I don't think you have to be feel responsible for your friends feelings. It sounds like you did what you could 

Now you have time to focus on yourself. I found on reflection I just don't function well in group dynamics unless we have a common goal like being part of a club/group. Everyone is different, maybe you'll find this sad experience helps you figure out what suits you best