I don't know where I'm supposed to post this, but just feel like I need to die

[enguy]

I'm distracted a bit as I start to write this, because I had to read a lot to try and choose the right place to post this, and don't know if I've done so...

I mostly need to vent.  My life is *, and I've been actively wanting to die for years (but haven't tried doing it myself after a previously failed attempt a few years ago).  I mean, saying it out loud, even singing about it.  Almost every day, just wishing I'd die.

Actually I can't even write what I felt to write, my mind is a mess just trying to make the post, and so the feeling part is muddled with hunger and pain.  But ... let's see.  I've been living in a student room for the last four months.  This is because after years of instability, I took up residence in the Netherlands to settle down.  There is a horrible housing crisis though.  I turned 44 in a student room, and don't know where this ends.  Really, it just gets so bad to go into details, I mean the situation really is so dire, I can't even think about it.  If I don't have an alternative by 5pm tomorrow, I will be locked into more months here (new agreement).  I don't have alternatives at this point unless I simply leave the country and trash my residency and any hope of stability.  Can't do that.  Also can't go on like this.  I've barely been sleeping the last two weeks, I feel like * in this place.  I have to use earbuds 24/7 because of the noise, which is now causing me headaches, dizziness, and more pain.  I have pain from trauma stuff every day - stabbing pain in my eyeballs, spinal pain, leg pain, acute pain anywhere and everywhere.  It can be difficult to walk at times.  I am alone.  I have no one here.  I have no one, generally speaking, in life.  I have no therapist.  I have no job.  I have no income.  I have no friends.  I have no partner.  I have no pets.  I basically spend every day just either trying to solve, or avoid, some of the hundreds of problems I have (but, hey, at least a b&#^h ain't one - joke, I'm not sexist in the least). 

I don't see any other way, at this point..  I mean, I can't move forward with any of the scenarios that appear to be available to me.  I can't.  It's not 'tolerating it short-term.'  That's what I've been trying to do already, and it's now been YEARS.  I have no energy left.  I can barely bring myself to write this post.  I feel so tired and sick there are days I literally don't think to eat.  I'm probably rather dehydrated, as well. 

Anyway, I hope I die.  I really hope I die before 5pm tomorrow.  Sooner, really.  If my computer could just give me a large enough electric shock it would stop my heart..  That would be so nice.  Something.. 

[Kizzie]

Hi Enguy, I am so sorry for the pain you're in and feeling like you want to die.  What we do recommend when members are feeling this way is to reach out to a professional who can help you with the immediate feelings and sense of overwhelm (see our crisis section here - https://www.outofthestorm.website/emergency/).  If you can find some help and get things to settle down then perhaps you can get some assistance to arrange for a therapist/psychiatrist.

You said it yourself, you have no-one at the moment and no-one can make it completely on their own, especially if they have been subjected to abuse or neglect. We all need help to pull ourselves out of the inevitable pain and grief we're left with.

Many of us have been where you're at and in addition to getting professional help, part of what helps many of us is talking here with others who understand what we've gone and are going through.  That's when we learn we are truly NOT alone and that we belong somewhere, even if it's not the place we would have chosen at first.  But you have gotten yourself to a good place, a community of kindred spirits so IMO part of you does want to live I'd suggest.  I should also mention that many of us use suicide ideation as a bit of a relief valve; it's like "OK I can always use this if things get too bad" but we don't actively plan to commit suicide.

So you're here and you're welcome. It's a good first step but now you need to get some professional help.  There truly are people/resources out there to help.

 

[Blue_Jays]

I am sorry you are having such a hard time. Hopelessness is so difficult, especially when your life and environment are giving you nothing.

My heart goes out to you, and I hope things get better for you. I am new to the forum, but you can see the support and kindness that it offers. I hope being here provides you some support and connection as you navigate your struggles.

[Armee]

 

What Kizzie said.

[Kizzie]

Enguy, a fellow survivor from the Netherlands asked me to pass these resources along to you. They are also willing to PM with you, just let me know and I will put you in touch with them.

All these places can easily be found on Google with the title name.

1. Kamers met aandacht

I am not sure of their age etc. But some people offer a room in their home with some extra attention to the well-being of the person who rents. It is a lot more quiet.

2. Salvation Army - Herstart

This may sound scary, but there's more than the night shelter. There's a medium-term living department  (name: Herstart). You rent a room. They try find you a real home within six months or so. It is their specialty. So they have all the connections. They may even get you urgency: skipping all the waiting lists.  Beyond that, they screen all your goals. And help you achieve them. Mental health, job, etc. SA also offers help finding a home and help if they stay in their current situation.

3. Wegloophuis Utrecht

They rent cheap (400 euro?) city centre rooms to people with mental health problems. Sometimes within days. And in the meanwhile offer peer support and creative ideas and practical help. You can also just stop by for a talk, and they will come up with a bunch of creative ideas on how to get help. Out of the box and with a big heart and network.

4. Fier

This place offers support and living places for people with cptsd from domestic violence.

4. Bohus klinieken (ptsd clinic)
This place in the North offers specialised care for cptsd. You stay there for 3-4 months. Roof over your head + good intensive treatment.

5. Centrum '45

Trauma centre in Amsterdam area i think. They offer great ptsd care. They are mainly aimed at foreigners and veterans, so I could not get in. But they are good.

6. De hoop (The Hope).

They have specialised care for people with trauma and/or addiction. They have both treatment and places to live and jobs.

7. Peer support and community places

There are many places called "herstelacademie" which is peer support. They have courses and activities. ENIK is a famous one. It is a place to connect. There are also many community places (buurthuis), but it depends on where you are. They can be kind and helpful places, welcoming to everyone. I have heard many say: I would have killed myself if this place didn't exist.

8. Communal living

It can be easier to get into communal living than a private home. An example would be Zilt in Gorinchem or Emmaus in Eindhoven or nl.woongroep.net. There's a bunch of people seeking a renter for a room or apartment. I saw 80 advertisements. It's shared living but with adults rather than students, and decent rules.

9. There are several chats or hotlines...113 (suicide prevention)...luisterlijn.nl (shoulder to cry on)...fier.nl (ptsd/violence oriented).

I wish them well!