arguably the most intense, soul-crushing, debilitating self criticism ever

[geckoskittlezx7900338]

Basically i get REALLY * TRIGGERED whenever i realise how i act so impulsively shooting myself in the foot making a problem worse for myself, or "over-reacting", or having poor logical faculties. even when im out in public, even when im barely even engaging with strangers, im constantly worrying that I appear too impulsive too childish too dramatic too irrational too brutish too selfish etc in front of them

like today when i sold my console on Facebook marketplace, the person buying off me told me that i should have purchased the missing part and then sell it, I felt so called out.
*acts without thinking*
*screams whenever she does not get her own way*
*histrionics*
*lashes out at others for the most ridiculous of reasons*
*drinks slim fast milkshakes while eating regular meals thinking it will help her lose weight*
============ BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD (so triggering)
(not how i wish to be)
this encounter is especially triggering because its about video games, I feel so invalidated because its an attack on my identity, being a gamer technical logical etc is so tied into my self worth so no wonder i feel pathetic when Im too much of a noob (e.g. failing to buy parts) even more so if its in an impulsive way.
DUMB BLONDE.

i feel like im being watched, judged for the things i happen to be mega insecure about

Past memories of having outbursts in public (because of feeling triggered, sensory overload, comparing myself to strangers, etc some kinda combination) make me feel SO pathetic. I cant look at police vehicles without feeling so uncomfortable because of this.

"am i saying dumb things without thinking? do i appear too 2+2=5 to others?"
"i have to force myself to be polite to respect others boundaries, because barging past people makes me feel so fat/heavy and visceral and impulsive (I DONT WANT TO BE THAT WAY). even people shoving their legs inwards as i walk past them is triggering. i feel like a waste of space"

i try to read self help books etc about "inner critic" but it doesnt help that much considering Im transgender and I have  anorexia, it's more than just "overly judgmental family members" or something