I genuinely want to keep living.

[droopsnoot]

It has been a couple years since I have been actively suicidal but, I think for the first time in almost a decade, I prefer the idea of being alive to being dead.

Today I was out driving and as I went through a green light, somebody ran a red the opposite direction and got very close to hitting me. Luckily, nothing happened as I stopped fast enough. Normally, when things like this happen my instinct is to get mad about my things getting damaged or thinking about the other person hurting somebody else. The fear of me dying doesn't occur. Even though I didn't want to kill myself, I still welcomed the idea of nature taking me out.

But today was different. I pulled into a parking lot as I was shaken up and thought about how grateful I was to be okay. My brain rushed with all the reasons I want to be alive. I cannot explain how long it's been since I thought about my mortality and didn't have a voice creep in telling me that I would be better off dead.

I know this may seem like a small thing to some people but, this is progress that I never thought I would ever make and I feel really good about it.

[Armee]

 

It doesn't seem small at all. Quite huge, to want to be alive after everything you've been through. Worth a celebration to me!   

I'm glad you are alright. That's scary, too.

[WabiSabi]

That's big droopsnoot 

[Blueberry]

That's huge! Good for you 

[Dalloway]

It´s not a small thing, it´s really huge and I´m very glad for you.     

[Kizzie]

Agree with everyone, it no small thing.  So glad for you!