New, Seeking Community to feel less alone in my cPTSD experience

[chahn1296]

Hi, I'm a 29 year-old female living in Manhattan, New York. I've been in treatment since 2013, but since March 1, I've been in a very low and dark place - which hadn't occurred in a good amount of time. The trigger was that a roommate that I had a crush on, and she knew about but didn't reciprocate but did lead me on, moved out. Then, I started a new job, which is like my dream job, but at the workplace, I have to watch my behaviors and tendencies so I feel distressed constantly. Then, I met a new friend who has her fair share of cPTSD - it was the first time I met someone near my age with similar trauma responses. We both noticed that there was some deep connection. We both eagerly wanted to be friends, but recently we've been having communication issues and my insecurities are not helping. In order to cope, I was smoking weed non-stop since mid-February until a week ago. I came here because I am confident that this girl is not the only person with similar trauma responses as I have had as a result of my cPTSD and I would like to know that I am not alone and crazy in having had these trauma responses. I know my friends love me but I constantly still feel very different around them and that feeling is very isolating.

I'm trying to manage my sobriety, a weird work assignment situation, and the new friendship. Yesterday, I was feeling very depressed and so I went out for drinks with a friend and drank too much and behaved inappropriately towards a new friend by showing up at her apartment without her invitation or notice. She reasonably did not open the door and I left after 10 minutes because I realized how much of a stalker I must seem like. Then, my best friend reprimanded my actions but stayed with me for several hours to help me settle down and try to sleep.

I really like her, and the truth is she talked about how she always wanted a sister she could be best friends with, and I understand that because growing up, I was best friends with my little sister, but she transitioned and left the family 6 years ago. But, our communication preferences are just too different that I don't think it is compatible. I like texting my friends throughout the day, and my closest friends every day even if it's just a few words. I also expect they will pick up or give me a text why if they can't pick up a random phone call from me (whereas she just doesn't pick up). I also expect them to initiate interactions so I don't feel like this is one-sided, but she acknowledged that if I don't initiate texts with her, she will probably not be texting me but insisted that it doesn't mean she doesn't want to talk to me. She feels like she doesn't have the capacity to give me the attention and needs that I seek because she also is very busy with work (we're coworkers) and has a long-distance boyfriends, and many friends that she is already committed to. I've been feeling rather manic all day trying to address the situation but we briefly chatted this morning and I sincerely apologized and promised it would never happen again and she appreciated that. But she asked if we could talk later today about all of it. She normally stops by my office around 4 or 5pm for 10-15 minutes just to chat, but 30 minutes ago she got an urgent assignment and so I doubt she will come by, but she doesn't give me a heads up about these things. But, she's a really kind and resilient and beautiful survivor, how do I not let my non-stop anxious thoughts and obsessive feelings not hurt this potential friendship? Do others struggle with friendships more than other "normal" people seem to? Thank you.

[NarcKiddo]

Hello, and welcome. I'm glad you found us. I'm sorry you are struggling with friendships. Of course, there is not really any such thing as "normal" and it is easy to think that others are living their best lives when really they are dealing with their own struggles, too. So sometimes if we get a bit out of line and they don't take it well it is not necessarily because we are totally weird, but maybe because they are dealing with issues of their own, too. And maybe the timing is just a little off or they just don't have the bandwidth right then. It does not necessarily mean they don't care or don't want to be friends or we have done terminal damage to the relationship. But us folks with cPTSD tend to think it is all our fault, and second guess ourselves, and worry about the coulda shoulda. So, yes, I guess I am saying that people with cPTSD probably do struggle with friendships more than others might.

It does sound like you have some good and supportive friends and that is lovely. And it sounds like you are self-aware and know when you need to apologise. So I think you are probably on the right track even if it does not always feel that way.