Kizzie, I think it is true, the anger does not last forever. Going through, into, facing the anger head on once for me was enough. It does not have to burn forever, and staying stuck in anger? That’s not healing. For me I think it took about 12 months of working through the anger from the last straw moment until it finally burned out.
And I was left with acceptance. I did not have to revisit every single moment of trauma. I only had to understand what happened, as a general pattern, to understand the pattern, and to see that it could not be fixed, there was nothing I could do, and it could not be changed. And then true sadness could be experienced for what I had never had, nor would ever have. And now I am finally trying very hard to give it to myself. What I never had. Which is:
Safety, security, trust, strength, ability to believe, confidence, happiness, a feeling of well being and a deep knowledge that I can and will take care of myself, and not let bad relationships happen to me anymore. I can give all of those things to myself. I am spending my time learning these hard, hard lessons. But day by day, with two steps forward and one step back I am slowly making progress. I can be my own best friend. I need to be my own best friend. Boundaries…
And I know one thing that helped me start climbing out. More than anything was OOTF. So many stories. So many experiences. So many feelings. All the same. And we can’t all be wrong, we can’t all be crazy, like they said we were. That helped me more than anything. And having a place to tell it where you would be heard and understood. Priceless. It was the beginning of my journey of the rest of my life.
I don’t think you can do anything with PD’s except walk away. One of mine, my sister, just texted me on Mother’s Day and said “I miss you.” I have not responded. I don’t know what to say. I’ve thought of a couple of responses, but have made none. Samples:
Does this mean you are ready to come to counseling?
I miss what I thought we had.
I don’t know what to say. I don’t want to get the pot stirred up, but I can’t just go back to abusive treatment ever again either. I need some reassurance that things will change. In my opinion? I think it was a Hoover, or else a realization that her Supply is GONE, and that now she will have to find new Supply ASAP if I do not come back.
Bee – I totally agree with you Bee. It is important to access the anger and to let it rip! What I found out when I did it? Is that I am such a “nice” person? That even though it felt like a volcano was erupting inside of me at times? I never did anything to hurt anybody. I had plenty of thoughts, but I did not actually do anything, and that helps me trust myself going forward. That I can feel the feelings but still be rational, logical, and try to do things that will help myself and not destroy or hurt others.
Though I did in the end feel like a peeled grape walking around with no protection against new hurt. That’s why I am studying Boundaries so much now. I am trying to learn a new way to be, so that I don’t leave myself open to additional new unnecessary hurt.
But yes definitely think going through the anger and just feeling it is very important to healing.
