How does your inner critic communicate with you?

Started by Sasha2727, September 28, 2014, 01:44:15 PM

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Sasha2727

Does your inner critic ever have a different voice then your own? Mine will hiss sometimes, insults. Since doing inner child work I will sometimes think I hear a child's voice in my head. Also sometimes in my head I hear my own voice kind of cheering myself on or vouching me to do different things example I know I'm zoning out then hear my voice say " you better get off your phone " or I'll hear a voice say " your not gay your just confused " it's just like a commentary on my life  but occasionally the voice doesn't sound like me. I don't think it's anything like schizophrenia but now that I'm listening for this stuff I do hear a lot of contradiction within my self?

coda

No it's not psychotic, just the work of a good memory. I often think that's something we share. All those voices were real once and we didn't forget them or their messages.   

Sometimes it's my mother's voice with all her wounded outrage, sometimes my sister's condescending dismissals, sometimes even my dad's terrifying bellowing. Their exact words, the phrases and intonations that imprinted themselves so deeply they feel right there. I know about hissing - the insults & accusations that were so beneath contempt they didn't require much words. Drop that now, or about to strike.

My own critical voice is always the same, and it seems ageless. I was like an adult as a child (in my feelings of responsibility and effort) and a child as an adult (in my fearfulness and self-protection). The sound is someone punished and punishing, the voice of a doomed and despicable quitter who will disparage because that's what's expected.

The good self-talk is here and now. The voice is mine completely. It can be fleeting, but it is pure oxygen when I am suffocating with ruminations. It reminds me we can only move from the place we find ourselves. There's no undoing the past.

Badmemories

I keep reading about he inner critic here and at times I didn't think that I had that part. I really do think a lot of the inner critic from the abusive people in My life I have worked on..so many of the OLD inner critic voices don't talk to me much.

I do feel OLD now. I would think of things like how gray I am now, and those wrinkles.. :sadno: I honestly am not even thinking about a new relationship but do think No one would want me the way I am anyway! So right now I AM critical of My looks..

My daughter really tries to encourage me to go out with her because she knows I am depressed. I am in such a depression, and panic that I usually won't. The other day she begged me and I conceded, and went out. Just in My normal clothes and with My hair in a pony tail.

She works in a small town bar and Knows most of the people so we went there. She proudly introduces me to her customers. It was busy that night and lots of people. I started looking around and I realized that I do not look as bad as I think I do. Inner critic? Most of the women younger than me had more wrinkles, fatter, etc. It gave me a better feeling about doing things..It gave me a better feeling about Myself!

When I was a child at home I felt that I was UGLIE! I was a short blonde, skinny, thin hair, big nose.. :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah: My siblings were tall dark and handsome., Since I was a child of a first marriage, My Mother always seemed ashamed of me. She'd leave me home a lot by myself. I was like her mistake. i always felt that way!
When I worked in the beauty shop I really DID learn some acceptance. I realized that I was normal like everyone else. I used to watch people and be so hard on MYSELF, I mean everyone has good and bad features. I finally worked on that by looking at people and seeing them as G-d sees them. I guess that is radical acceptance.

So anyway I don't feel as bad last week. when I hear that voice saying I don't look good.. I will kick it in the A$$ running! :cheer:

Kizzie

#3
I am just starting to hear my ICr and its faint so I'm not sure if its different people or me at different ages. That said, I do often have visual images of my NPDM's angry and disapproving look  (her lips would draw into a thin tight line), my F's look of contempt and dismissal, and/or my NPDBs condescending smirk, and that's accompanied by the feelings of fear, shame and anger respectively.   

I can hear my IC though, but can't always see her (so am planing on gathering some pics of me from various ages so I can have that visual image to go along with her voice).  Walker talks about "the look" as being especially triggering for a lot of his clients and I would count myself in on this one.

Interesting how these ego states and ghost memories materialize for each of us.

keepfighting

Whenever I read about what you guys have already done when it comes to ICr work, I am in awe.  :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup:

I really need to get a move on my ICr work and find out what method of communication it uses to put me down...

Rain

This is such a good question as to the voice.  I have thought long and hard on this before posting.

I first went into therapy in my twenties, after leaving the childhood home and knowing my parents hardly showed up for the job and that I had to raise myself.   With my first appointment, I went in saying I had a "nagging crotchety old woman's voice in my head that put me down all the time."    Gravely, nasty voice!!!!   He asked if it reminded me of anyone in particular.   No, it did not ...and that I hoped I was not schizophrenic as I heard this voice (oh, I was so innocent back then!)

It is quite normal to have all the various voices in our heads.

I have done much recovery work over these decades.   The old nag's voice went away, but unknown to me, the Inner Critic was still there (until reading Pete Walker's recent book!) ...and the Inner Critic simply took on new voices, like a "sweet sounding, quiet, kind woman's voice" with gross messages.   Evidently, the nagging one crushed me the most in my 20s, so that is what was used.    :yes:

I know the Inner Critic by the ENERGY of the Inner Critic, not the voice.   Think of how you walk into a room full of people, and that you can feel people's energy.   This is what I mean.

The biggest signal I get that it is the Inner Critic blasting away at me is the NEGATIVE content.   Thoughts coming through that demean me ...and, it may NOT have a voice at all.   Just as emotional flashbacks may not have visuals, the Inner Critic does not always have a discernable voice.   

When he does have a voice (and surprising, it is a "he" for a lot of folks ...and, yes ...it is speculated by some people that the Inner Critic has "ties to the bad guy in h-e-l-l"), these days it is a smooth man's voice with authority saying how truly incompetent I am.

I get "sneak attacks" from the Inner Critic these days, as I am getting better and better at spotting him.   MY huge clue I've been attacked successfully is when I am feeling defeated, in despair, and the "there is no hope" along with I'm clearly a "piece of garbage" feelings ...my head pops up with realization that the Inner Critic did it again!!    I can look back on my day and remember the disparaging thoughts that went with the activities I was doing ...like little drips of acid.   Tiny enough not to be noticed ...that is what I mean by sneak attacks.

So, these days ...I deal with an often voiceless Inner Critic.    Years ago, he took on many disguises of various voices.

I recognize the Inner Critic by the NEGATIVITY.    A Good and Loving Judge (like we were supposed to have when a kid has a LOVING parent) guides with LOVE, and pep talk...true guilt is there if we really did harm someone ...that is the GOOD Judge, the Good SuperEgo ...You CAN Choose a Good Person, and let that person be your Good Judge (kick the Inner Critic out!!!)

IF I hear negative messages with or without a voice, that are ridiculous to what I am doing, that IS the Inner Critic.   I vacuum the kitchen floor ...hey, I missed the corner as I see later ...the Inner Critic points out that I'm hopelessly incompetent, that I shouldn't even try as I always fail.    See what I mean?   That's the true sign of the Inner Critic from what I have experienced...negative, demeaning of me.   It obviously can be different for others, I can only share my experience, of course.

For me, it does not matter what voice this is delivered in ...that is the damn Inner Critic.    A bunch of heavy neurons laid down in the brain with tons of negative messages that abusive parents put in us (programming) ...yup, that is what happens to our brain with years of their abuse, criticisms, and demeaning of us.   Our parent(s) rejection and/or ignoring us had us adding to it, thinking we must be "bad" if our parents don't have the time of day for us as kids.    And, out of this comes the Inner Critic, from what I understand.

coda

Rain - what a GREAT post! Just wanted to say how helpful and true your remarks are. The voice may change, but the overriding tone of negativity, blame and condemnation (even doom) is how we can always recognize it. Sometimes even just a speck of mental disagreement, a tiny, internal squeak of objection or self-forgiveness can turn everything around. It's like an atrophied muscle we need to locate and strengthen.

Rrecovery

Great thread thanks Sasha.  The ICr that used words is defeated - it's scared of me!  But RAIN your post helped me to see that I need to be mindful of the wordless/covert attacks.  Thanks so much for this insight.

Rain

Thanks coda!  Thanks Rr!    It really helped to even think about this ...so, thanks Sasha for bringing the question up on this topic.

I'm glad it helps!!   Coda, you are so lucky a "speck of mental disagreement" gets rid of the ICr for you!!!      I have to be fierce, and very rejecting of the ICr to truly have him gone.   It seems to last from 4 hours to maybe a day, but it is such a relief!!!!   Like getting a gross, negative guest out of the house!

pam

Most of my life it has communicated with me in a loud thundering voice. Male, my father's and a little of my nasty sounding sister's voice. It uses failures and my inabilities to crush me from thinking I can ever do anything at all. It's all proof that I'm a piece of *.

Until I did some inner child work and he got separated out as only one part of my personality, I am pretty sure I was completely identified with him, and that's why I couldn't get anywhere.

It's usually in the second person--someone talking to me "You're a piece of *." But when it somehow joins in the conversation I'm having with someone out loud, it will change to first person "I'm not worth *."

I actually did have a counselor diagnose me with Schizoaffective Disorder. Which is Schizophrenia with Depression. Yes, she was very wrong, (even with depression--I don't really have that, I have reactions to circumstances, duh) but at the time I was so scared. I was in the process of getting on disability and thought I would be committed or something. My point is not all therapists understand the difference between psychotic voices and our neurotic voices!

I sometimes (when I'm not being tortured by him) have a good view of the inner critic. I see him as keeping me from doing things where I might get hurt again. It's like he's protecting me in his own twisted way. IE Making me feel like * so I won't go out and end up having OTHER people make me feel like * by getting rejected.

Rain

#10
Sending you a hug, pam!   :bighug:

Gracious.  I hope no one ..."inside" you ...or outside you ...is wanting you to "feel like s***"!!    :sadno:

Personally, I do not want even two more seconds of the creepy Inner Critic ...he only wants to destroy me, and does zero to protect me.

I have a Good Inner Judge now (I FIRED my Inner Critic ...he's a failure!).

:hug:

Sasha2727

Thank you! All of you! Rain that is the best description! I couldn't have articulated it like that, this inspires me to be more mindful! It's odd when I'm the most frantic I cannot discern the voice but I think it's because the voice feels good in that moment as it is telling me not to show emotion at all costs so I " it " and I have the same goal in that moment! The fear of showing emotion is huge for me and causes me to either panic , punish , or check out compleatly. As a kid emotion turned into interrogation and then blame shifting and gas lighting. So now when I get panicked I fear I will be punished b/c after all... The scared look on a child's face must somehow put things into perspective for the pd parent but in there sickness instead of comfort they rage to show you why your fear is the problem not there behavior. I must be better at staying grounded now because last night I felt panic and my SO asked what was wrong and I only checked out for 15 minutes apparently I told her something about feeling disgusting and not being good enough to be loved I kinda remember it! But then I grounded I think b/c I had my first full on pannic attack in a long time. I think it was I was nervous and dreadful for the next 40 minutes, then felt with it but terrible stomach pain and a huge headache! Also just totally drained with chills and feeling I could throw up! I can't hear the critic in these moments because it's coaching me down

Rain

And Sasha2727, I learned a lot from your post just now.  Thank you too!!!   :yourock:

Sasha2727

Thank you! I have another thing to add after my panic attack and sick bout something strange happened... I got angry! I'm notorious for being anxious and codependent very submissive, however after finally feeling my fear and showing it :/ my gf was very supportive and oddly I became very angry with myself. She left to go work and was texting checking in but my response was very abnormal for myself I used the word " hate " like 4 times describing feeling afraid and feeling neurotic as things I hated? This am I found myself promising never to let anyone yell at me or control me again still just angry feeling! After my first breakup with a NP girlfriend I did this, I got help to leave her and would was having panic attacks then too. I would wake up with grey hair after she would devalue me. The shrink quickly got me into childhood talk and i concluded yes I was abused and yes this was me allowing it in adulthood. I then got angry felt anger possibly for the first time in 10 years. So from about. 12 till 22 unable to feel anger only FOG. Well once I felt it I rapidly lost 80lbs and now see got stuck in flight and flee vrs my norm of fawn and freeze. I got really vain and guarded! Was asked out by very attractive girls and boys but would not go there. Anyway it's funny how I'm in fight now this am after finally allowing the pannic to come! I by no means want to walk in anger or entitlement however, this allows for accomplishing tasks and going outdoors! Lol would I rather be a N myself that can pay bills and go outside to face the world or scared yet altruistic fawn? Ha! I'm simply saying that those modes are real and with this insight they do cover up very painful states of being! Calling the damn shrink today! I'm very hopeful as she does both DBT and emdr! Sorry I got off topic but this sudden flip to anger is astonishing to me, it has been 3 years since I have felt anger other then PMS! And even then I apologize.


Ps. I find when the inner critic is another voice sounding like " the big man down below " or a female hiss talking out loud saying " leave " or contradicting it outloud works the best!   

schrödinger's cat

Same here. I used to get angry, but never about my past or my family. It's very freeing though. I dissasociate a lot less these days, and I think it's because of that.

My inner critic has a way of taking over my entire worldview. I don't hear a voice. My critic simply changes how I see the world, other people, myself, everything. It's a lot like what happens during a depression. Cognitive behavioral therapy helps a lot  - simply identifying negative thought patterns and educating myself about what's a realistic and non-CPTSD-y way of seeing things. It's rather like unbrainwashing oneself after having been exposed to too much propaganda.